dream jobs and more...

sometimes i think i want to be:

a street fashion blogger: hopping all around the world, documenting all the creative people i see.
a high fashion hair stylist: doing hair for avant guarde photo shoots and runway shows.
a museum curator: traveling from museum to museum, picking out what i would like next to be featured in my gallery.
a color theorist: working with movie directors and artists of all types, developing the color palettes needed to complete their projects.
an illustrator: working on projects for fashion events, magazines, books, small and big companies.
a professional artist: putting on my own art shows and spreading my art around the world.
a professional musician: widely know, but not to the broader public, just those special people everywhere who can appreciate an artistically minded music maker.
an art professor: inspiring young art students to push and broaden their artist minds.

and then i think... hm... what really is the best choice. really really.
i mean best choice NOT in the money making sense, or the fame sense, or the "what benefits me me me the most" sense, or what sounds coolest sense or what does everyone else expect of me sense.
i mean, what is the best choice as directed by God. What is it that God made me for? What are my gifts and talents constantly being cultivated for?

purpose versus momentary fun.
i can quickly figure out what jobs would be really fun for a little bit of my life. but i cant settle on one "job" that God has directed my life toward.

in the end, i think God has just made me to be very interested in a lot of things. he has made me excited about the beauty found in the world, and the beauty that is to come later... hopefully. i don't think he expects me to, or even wants me to stick with one job. but making art and making music and making clothes and cutting hair are all things i can do in and out/throughout my life. one thing will rise and one thing will fall.

sometimes i even get made at myself for my interests. i was raised really really really poor, aka dumpster diving for toys sometimes. and money has always been a big burden in my family. i am humbled daily by the fact that i get to go to a really nice college and learn about all the things i am interested in. thank God for scholarships. but then i look in my closet and think... uhg, why do i have so many clothes when that money could have gone somewhere more important.
i really like clothes not because of the name of the brands or because i want people to view me in a certain way because of my style. i actually hate spending money on clothes and i have huge guilt trips about it all the time. i dont even going shopping very much... and honestly kind of hate it! but i really am happy with i feel like i can express who i am through pretty fabrics and buttons, piecing together and outfit like it is a piece of art. and thank you to my grandmother who basically buys me all my clothes that aren't from thrift stores.
i really hope people understand that about me. that i do not dress the way i do to get attention or to show of or look "indie" or whatever the crap that is. i dress the way i do as an expression of the woman God made me. i am creative. i love art in all its forms. i think fashion is an art. i hope people can respect that idea!

really what it all comes down to is that God created me to be an artist. its in my nature. it brings me joy, but more importantly, it brings other people joy and connects us together. i can express myself better through art than any other form of communication. it is unfortunate that so many fields of art can appear so superficial... and well, can be so superficial. but i think God makes me drawn to the true beauty behind the facade of superficiality with things like fashion and hair design. i am half of the time repulsed by the people within those industries while the other half, drawn to what i could communicate to people, and what i could show people about true beauty through those means.

i feel like i am thrown into a paradoxical way of living most of the time. but its probably a good thing. God likes to keep me on my toes. he knows i am stubborn and defensive sometimes. he knows i am drawn every which way easily, so he is very dramatic with me and makes me think too deeply about absolutely everything. but i guess it is the same for everyone. she just makes things so obvious in my own life that i dont even have the opportunity to be really stubborn about things. Hes so sneaky! i cant argue with him... uhg. its tough trying to argue with an all knowing being who created you.

anyway, i like pretty things.
some may only see me on the surface and say, psh, shes just superficial. but my dears, God made me to appreciate His beauty on a deeper level than you may judge. there is beauty and art in so much more than a quick glance can capture.

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