another epiphany...

so God has made me really think long and hard about relationships lately.

lately...as in, the past couple of months...slash...the past 2 years.
and i am finally reaching a happy conclusion.

here is the story:
fall quarter was a long time ago it now feels.
those days, i was still missing ex boyfriends in my immaturity. i had gotten over the bitterness of 2 of them finally. but i then sank in to longing the good of the past. and my best friends in seattle were all still single at the time, so we were all in single person, longing for companionship mode together. but we were all leaning on each other.
but then winter quarter arrived.
all my best friends started dating. literally...all of them:

now, seeing my friends happy is the one thing that brings me the most joy. so in all of their pairings up, i was so happy for them all! but of course, i was still in that longing for companionship mode while they were all being fulfilled in that through dating. it was natural for me to become lonely because everyone else had an "other" to go to for fulfillment, and didn't need me as much.
i got sad again. i became bitter towards God for what he was giving my friends, and i regretted how i had wasted my heart already so much.
i have been in love twice now, and i've dated more than any of my friends. seeing what my friends had in the present, and looking back on all that i done... i was sad. i was jealous. i was frustrated with myself, and i felt like i had wasted my time in past relationships. i felt like everyone else's hearts were being filled, while mine was missing too many pieces that i had left in the wrong places.
i felt unresolved.

but God gave me hope and conclusions that i have been praying for finally.
Spring break, i went home. and a couple of days i was in the city over from one of my ex boyfriends. the one who has kind of haunted me since high school. off and on and on and off we dated with no final conclusion. and finally, i saw the end of it with events happened that break. he is someone who i would always want to run back to when things were not going well, or when i was feeling sad. but i always knew he could not complete me. he was wonderful and kind. but he wasn't "it". and i always knew that he was not the one that God wanted me to be with. repeated little events of bad communication between us over break led up to me taking a new mindset finally. we never saw each other that break. and i finally realized that this was best.
i had breakfast with a different ex boyfriend/friend from high school the last day of being home. we didnt date long in high school. and we were definitely just meant to be buddies in the end. and having breakfast with him was so great! fantastic conversations. and great unexpected resolutions arose because of just chatting about the old days. things were resolved in my own head about dating, ex boyfriends in general, about our little silly relationship, about how i am effected by relationship and most importantly... a resolution to the ex boyfriend who haunted me for too long. the friend who had breakfast with was/is in the only person who knows both the haunting ex and i both pretty well. and he gave me better encouragement and insight into the torturous relationship than anyone else ever had.

i left that conversation finally feeling freed from the haunting. freed from missing not only the past in this one particularly long on and off relationship, but all my old relationships. i felt freed from it all. and along with that came an appreciate for it all. i had learned so much. and i feel completed in my learning process in a way.

for awhile i thought that i wanted to do the casual dating thing. but i know deep down that i dont want to. i have had enough of that. i dont need to learn anything more from or about casual dating. i can be freed from all that stuff. i dont need it!
i dont want to search out love anymore. its so exhausting. i dont need to pursue only out of my own selfish desires. what is the use in that! its so tiring!

i have been thinking about my friends' relationships lately. and i am no longer jealous. i am inspired. i am joyful. and i am thankful to God for the beauty he has sparked in my dear friends. i am thankful that he is giving me examples of truth, of real joy. of unity that is based in Him.

one of my best friends called me the other night and told me the most INCREDIBLE story about the girl he knows is the one. she is his match. they were made for each other. it is so beautiful. it made me cry because i was SO happy for him! and it gave me such inspiration.

i was told a couple weeks ago that i may have to "settle" when it comes to finding my match. that broke my heart. no one wants to hear that while everyone else around them is paring up.

but my friends have given me encouragement in showing me that one day, i could find the one man made for me. i may not... i mean, i could just end up never finding him. but i know there is at least a chance of it happening one day.

i went on a couple of dates within the past month or 2 or 3. but i know they were useless. i mean, nice people. but my friends are showing me that when things are meant to happen, God will guide it, not me so much.

i am being pretty vague... but that because its the internet haha.
what i am trying to say is though that i am inspired by the stories of my friends relationships, especially the ones who have gotten married, or are about to get married. God planned them all! and i am learning to see when God does not want something to happen too. He is finally giving me the mature insight i need to understand healthy quality relationships.

i love Sierra and her wonderful man's story.
i love Jessy and her wonderful man's story.
i love Lindsey and her wonderful man's story.
i love Curtis and his wonderful woman's story.
i love all my seattle friend's good relationships.
God is creating such beautiful things! and i am joyful to just watch for now.

i was talking to allie today and while i was speaking, i kind of formed my final ideas. things make so much more sense once they are out of my mouth, rather than muddled in my head.

if i truly believe that God is in control of my life, then why am i impatient? there is no point! He will tell me when the time is right. He will show me what is good, as long as keep my eyes and mind open; as long as i guard my heart; as long as i remain joyful and optimistic; as long as i let Him guide me and keep faith!

i now really really actually believe that i could go a long long time without dating. i am just fine with out it! if i wait, i know God will fulfill me until he chooses to show me a new kind of fulfillment through another person. i could go months, years, even forever without another as long as i trust that whatever happens is what God sees as best for me.
I will and do have faith finally that relationship-wise, God has it all planned out for me. and there is no need for me to worry, be upset, to get lonesome or bitter. i am free.

i swore off dating for a year to try to get my mind set on straight again. to take time to listen to God one on one in that way.
and it has now been a year and 4 months that i have not had a boyfriend. good job me! for awhile i was really really missing it. and then i almost got into a stupid relationship again. but i thought through it and didn't even start it. i tried causal dating after the year of no dates was up, and realized that i didn't need it. Thank you God for being faithful to me when i am faithful in my promises to you.
i will always be faithful because you have shown me truth and real beauty, real happiness through those around me.
i will be patient.
i will be joyful.
i am these things.
and i always will be.
i am yours.

1 comment:

Blaze said...

Moorea, I appreciate your honesty so much! You are a very special girl, and the best catch! Seriously! I am confident that you will meet Mr. Right! :)

As for this afternoon, what time did we agree upon? I have some fun ideas of what to do. Give me a call whenever you please!