well i feel the burning sensation in my chest. its a strange compelling overwhelming feeling.
its good. but nerve wracking.
it makes my body shake. it makes my eyes flutter and my fingers move in jagged motion.
i am an adult.
this is the realization i am going through.
ah oh my gosh. wow, the past 5 mins have been very overwhelming.
i dont really understand what is going on! God is really pushing me in 60 different directions all just in these moments that i am writing!
so first i was overwhelmed with the realization of being an adult.
then i was overwhelmed with realizing that i am so much more of an introvert that i realized.
then minutes ago i suddenly felt compelled to look at my dad's facebook profile, yes he has facebook.
and on it i noticed he was in a group for the little village i grew up in, in England. AH! i was shocked! there are only 400 people in that village! how is there a facebook group about it!?! I am overwhelmed and overjoyed by the random, ridiculous, distant connection to the place that i connect my childhood to.
i added one of my best friends from my childhood on facebook from my home village immediately.
then i went on a quick but fervent search for any other kids i was raised with. i found one girl i am pretty sure was one of my childhood friends.
i am SO overwhelmed.
all of a sudden am i connected back with my childhood. i am so overwhelmed. i cant even explain how traumatic it was for me to leave that place and move to America when i was 8. i felt like my childhood ended as soon as i stepped foot in America. i have held those years in England on a pedestal ever since. i only visited once after i left. when i was 11.
it has been 10 years since i have been in England.
am i british?
am i american?
and today, i know i am adult.
and i have all the motivations of an american. i am driven and passionate about what i can accomplish. i believe that i can do anything i put my mind to. i am living the freakin american dream, arent i? dammit. who the heck am i?
i know myself. i feel completely happy in the person i am.
but one thing that defines "me" is the inability to place myself racially and culturally.
who am i in the context of my past?
i am a drifter. my mind is always floating in the past or future, while my body is set in the present.
the british girl in me has her head in the clouds. she is the one who spawns my creativity.
OH my GOSH this is crazy. i am literally going through an intense sudden understanding of "me" while i type!!!!!!!!!!!! this is really surreal.
the british girl in me is the creative source. she is the dreamer. she is the peaceful serene child whose mind entertains her more than anything in the real world. she is the lone wanderer in the wheat fields. she just wants to be alone. she is forever patient. she is frightened by any attention given to her. but she wants the connection with the loved one who rejected her so badly.
the american woman in me is the business woman. she is the passion and drive that pushes her to produce produce produce. stay on track! she is finding ways to further herself. she is the one who wants attention. she needs people. and still, she rejects the love and affection of the one who originally hurt her, but has changed for the good. she is not patient. but she has the drive.
i am a living contradiction, and yet the two sides sometimes work in unison.
i make art BECAUSE of the british girl, but i need the american woman to get to points of success, i need her to finish each and every project. she push through when the british girl gets lost in her daydreams.
i make music BECAUSE of the british girl, but i couldn't finish any song, couldn't play guitar, couldn't sing well, couldn't promote myself, couldn't perform if the american woman wasn't the one directing the soul of the british girl.
the pre-teen years and the teen years are blurry to me. they are the bridge from England to America. they are the airplane that bounced back and forth too many times. they are the re-directed routes. they are the time spent drifting in one land, when i should have been in the other.
in this moment right now i am experiencing more heartbreak and mending of my heart than i have ever felt or at least understood. the veins are breaking but making new pathways all at once.
i am so confused. finally understanding. lost. found. uncomfortable. contented. distraught. joyful.
i have some things to work through.
Thank you God for smashing this all down on me all right now. i don't understand it! but i need it so badly. this is growth. this is the beginning. this is the end. this is circular. this is a point in space. this is contained. this is open ended.
this is a mind boggling, heart wrenching explosion of confusion and final understanding.
i have somewhere to start. somewhere to begin.
i am finding my real voice right in this moment?
this is all a little too profound for this heart to handle.
God, you have made me more unique and complex than i have ever thought. i knew these things all along. everyone is unique and complex. but you have shattered my built up understandings of "me." i am scared. i am humbled. i am sorry for my stubbornness. you have cracked me.
and it is good.
God and i have a lot of talking to do i think. i know. i am in fear in the greatest, most beautiful sense possible.