down and up

this is going to be a long post, because i'm venting.  you dont have to read it all if you want.
this one is skip-able.
but i just gotta release a little.

today was a down and up day.
most times, people say, "oh it had its ups and downs."
but today definitely went from down to up.

i spent the night on campus because i knew that i wouldn't wake up early enough if i slept at home.  and it takes an hour to get to school by bus.  and i couldn't waste an hour this morning..

i made a poster for the KSPU show coming up on the 19th

come to the show!

and then i had to do some homework for my class at 4:30.

then i started getting really really stressed out.  i had to turn in my project late last week for my figure drawing class on monday nights.  and i still havent turned in what was due last night.  its not because i am a slacker.  i know that all the professors in my art dept know that i work really hard on my work and they know i am very serious about what i make.  but i just have been sick so i havent been able to stay up till 3 am every night like i ususally do, trying to finish all my work.  so its been inevitable that have to turn a few things in late.

i was hurrying trying to get to my 2pm class on time.  and as i shuffled in to my figure painting class, the glass bottle of juice in my paper bag ripped through the bag and shattered on the floor of classroom.  right in the doorway.
alex was passing by and saw what happened and ran in and said, "ok moorea. i dont want you to have a breakdown, just let me clean it up."  so he cleaned it up for me, because he knew how stressed ive been lately.  very nice of him.
then i ran back to the senior studio room where i keep my art supplies, and while running there, i have to pass my Monday night professors office.  she was in there and called me in.  I said, "i need to talk to you about my late work, but i am in a rush right now to get to my 2am and my glass bottle just broke and i need to help clean it up."
and then i started crying.
i tried to explain to her that i am just having a hard week because being sick i cant push myself as hard as usual.  and i cant just make half assed work just to fulfill an assignment and turn it in.  if i am serious about myself as an artist, i cant just make shit that doesn't represent who i am.  i can't just make something quickly and not care about it and just turn it in to fulfill the requirement, and thats it.
thats not making art.
thats just making crap.
if i am learning how to become a professional artist, i'd hope to be encouraged to make good work that represents the serious artist that i am.  and if it is late, then that is at least better to turn in a late quality assignment, rather than a pointless useless piece of crap on time.

she said, you know you dont need to prove anything to anyone Moorea.  you are on the top list of ____ (one of the other art professor's) top student list.

i said, well that is appreciated.  but i dont make art to please anyone.  i dont do this to try to prove anything to anyone.  i do it because it is me.  this is who i am. this is what i love.  this is my passion.  i do it for self fulfillment, for self expression first and foremost.  and i cant just make something that i know i wont be proud of.  i cant do that.  i have to work hard.  what is the point in working on something i dont care about.  if i dont care about it, i have to change it into something i love!

she said, well you can always just turn in whatever you have at the moment, and then later maybe turn in the completed assignment as revision.

and i said, yes but i cant do that for every single class.  i am taking 4 art classes and i cant just be slowly working on every single assignment for every class all at the same time.  i dont think anyone really does that.  when i work, i need to sit down for a couple hours just working on one project.  then move onto the next and so on and so on.  so its hard for me to turn in 3 beginnings of 3 peices for your class, when i am expected to be working on each one individually while working on the beginnings of at least 10 other things for classes as well, you know?

i basically then just had to run to my next class which had already started.

needless to say, i was really upset.  i dont like crying in front of my classmates.  class time is not the time to be crying.

luckily, painting always brings me to peace.
it is in art making that i find hope and joy, that i find comfort and relaxation.  i have learned to take my time with my art and not rush it.  i have learned in my 4 years of college that its better to just take my time and work hard while enjoying the work rather than rushing it and hating it the whole time.
i cherish the process and the outcome.  if this one professor is going to mark me down for being sick an unable to pull all nighters right now... then that just sucks.
i've cried and cried.
and thats the last straw.
i can only do what i can do.

i wont let myself get depressed and sink to making shitty work i am not proud of.
i would rather feel joyful and fulfilled by my art and get a bad grade for lateness because i am sick, than get a bad grade for just straight up rushed/bad work.


but on a good note.
jessica and andrea's art opening was beautiful.  i love both of their work.

and i am so happy i got to see cilla and lizzie (my ex boyfriend's little sisters).  i miss them.  am i allowed to say that?  i think i am.  and i do miss them.  they are such quality young ladies.

and a strange experience:
i ran into this guy who i havent seen in 2 years.  i met him at a dinner party and he memorized a song i wrote that night.
i saw him at the art opening and i said, hey arent you that one guy i met at the dinner party 2 years ago and you memorized my song?  and he said, woooah!  wow i didnt recognize you!  i just was playing your song the other day when i was in mexico!
we talked for a long time about what has happened for each of us in the past 2 years.  i guess for me the most significant thins that popped into my head was the almost year long relationship i had that ended a year and a half ago.
woah, wait, i must have met this guy more than 2 years ago i think.  i wasnt dating my ex back then yet....weird.
anyway, he had some really really intense stuff happen to him since then.  gosh... but i think things are on the up for him.  i'll be praying for him.
and i showed him a bunch of my art that i had in the art center.  and she showed me some of his art online.
and then his friend, who i happen to know through my roommate brenna, showed up.  elizabeth.  she is wonderful.
and then elizabeth said that she was at my apartment last night.
weird.  i didnt know that!  she hadnt been over in quite a while.

and when i came home, i was telling my roommate devyn about it and she burst out, wait!! whats his name?  weird! he was at our apartment last night with elizabeth!

random.  i didnt realize he has been in my apartment the night before.

so anyway, that was really strange i thought.  that this random person i havent seen in over two years was at my house last night while i wasnt home.  and then i run into him randomly when i have to open the door for him in the back of the art center while i am blowing my nose.  gross re-introduction haha.


conclusion of the night:
sometimes i just need to say, you know what, i deserve a break sometimes.  i work hard.  and i cant be the perfect student for every professor.  i want to do well in every single art class.  i want to produce work that looks professional.  but sometimes, i need to cool it and allow myself to take the heat of stumbling a little.  i am not perfect.  and i am allowed to cool it sometimes.

and i need to not trip out on cosmic ideas sometimes.  i am too much of an existentialist and i just totally believe that everything happens for a reason, and everyone you meet has some sort of meaning to add into your life.  i believe too hard that God guides every single person into your life for a reason.  is that a good thing, or a bad thing?  is it weird, or should it be normal?
anyway, i just want to understand why this kid all of a sudden showed up in my life again.  not like i even really knew him at all before.  i only met him once before anyway.  but life is just so circular sometimes.
and that was one thing he and i talked about.  the circular nature of things.  and theories, and other ideas and dreams.
maybe God just showed me a like minded person for a second to remind me that its ok to have the dreamy state of mind that i have.  that is ok to entertain theories and crazy future dreams.  artistic minds unite.
well.  even if i never see this random kid again, it was a nice re-meeting.  hopefully things will go well for him in the immediate future, and the far future.

down and up.
and always.

lets pray that life always goes up and up.
so many things can start down, or can begin on a downward track.  but lets pray that all things will curve upwards.
lets pray that if everything is circular, that its always rotating in the up and up direction.

1 comment:

Allie said...

I hope you had a good night reading. I'm glad that you had this realization. We are not machines; we are human beings, who need rest, and who can't do EVERYTHING.