growing old

sometimes i get scared that life is rushing by to fast, and i wont have time to fulfill the needs of the people i love.

i watched half a movie with allie tonight and it kind of made me really anxious.
it was just about these two grown siblings having to take care of their elderly dad.

i am not scared of having to take care of my parents. i am just scared that life will fly by so quickly that i will have to take care of them sooner than i expect to.

if i just lived to fulfill their wishes, i would have popped out some kids by now because they want to be grandparents so badly.

but unfortunately for them, i don't see myself even getting married for another ten years, let alone having kids anytime soon after that.
i dont even know if i need to get married.
i dont even know if the marriage we call marriage today is even a true sort of marriage.

in my heart of hearts, and if life could run as smoothly as i choose, i would love to have some sort of life long companionship within a couple of years and have kids maybe in my late twenties. as long as it were easier than it really is haha.
but in real life, nope, don't see it happening.
i am too scared and too immature to jump up to that HUGE step anytime soon.

my hope is that, and my prediction is that, my younger sister will get married before me and have kids before me. hopefully my parents will feel fulfilled through her.
though, she's a whole 4 years younger. and she's only 18 now. and i don't think its a good idea to get married really young. so... yea.

i just want my parents to feel like they are involved in the lives of their grandkids. they want to still feel young with grandkids, they want to be able to still play with them and be silly.

i am turning 22 in less than a month.
my sisters are 18, and almost 13.
my dad is 58 today.
and my mom is 56.

my dad will be 65 when bella is 20.
my mom will be 63. i will be 29, and zandra will be 25.

my dad is obsessed with being fit. he is extremely determined to stay active as long as possible. but he uses each year that my grandparents are alive as markers counting how old he will live till.

my grandpa and grandma have lived longer than their parents and grandparents.
my grandpa will be 84 in a few weeks, and my grandma is 82.
my grandpa and grandma havent gotten to do much within the past couple of years because of health stuff.
my grandpa shouldnt be driving.
and my great uncle toby is 84 and looks fit as a fiddle, but hes had cancer and cant do much traveling/driving these days.

i just want my parents to feel like their wont "run out of time" with us, with my sisters, with whatever people we add on to our extended family.

i guess the best way i can do that is not worry. i need to remember that life doesnt have a marked end point.
life can be given and taken away at any moment. so all i can do is be thankful for the past, how it has shaped me, and live in the present, looking forward to the changes to come in the future.

its annoying growing up, and pretty much knowing you wont get married until way way later, but meeting wonderful people along the way thinking, damn, i wish i had met you 10 years from now. i havent dated anyone for a long time now, and i like it that way.
i dont expect to date anyone for a long long time.
and i dont want to waste time dating "for fun" when i know i am only interested in really intentional dating relationships. ones that are slow and silly in the beginning, but at least have some hope for never ending in the future.

i just dont see God intertwining my independence with another person anytime soon.
i love companionship. but i can find that in friendship.
i know a lot of really really incredible guys, but i dont expect to date any of them. most of my best friends are guys, and i adore them, but more as brothers. and sometimes i think, hm if i had meet these kids in 10 years, instead of now, would i be interested in them in a different way? i have no idea.
but i do know that for now, and for awhile, all i want is friendship. and i think that that is all that is wanted from me too, which i am completely happy with.
i hope the guys that i am friends with right now, and who i love like they are my brothers, will meet really sweet girls in the future who will treat them well and love them dearly. and i hope the guys will feel the same way about the lovely girls they meet.

a lot of my best girlfriends have gotten married already. crazyyyyyyy.
and i think i will wait until a lot of my guy friends have gotten married too until i consider it for myself.
if it happens, it happens.
if it doesn't, it doesn't.
i love companionship, but i dont think companionship has to lead to marriage.

maybe when all the people i view as companions to me right now, find life long companions of their own, maybe then, God and i will chat about a life long companion for me too.

basically, God, if you let me know ahead of time when/if you were thinking about that whole permanent companionship thing for me, that would be cool.
i dont even know if "marriage" in the way people make it out to be these days is even how it should be.
is it truly biblical? really? do i even need it?

God, if you want me to have kids some day, cool. i love kids more than anything in the whole universe. what is more precious than the innocent spirit of a child?
but if you dont want me to have my own, ok. so be it. just as long as you give me ample opportunities to better the lives of as many kids as possible.
if i never marry, and if i never have kids, i will be ok. just make sure that my parents will be ok, more importantly.
make sure that what i lack will not hurt them. make sure that they obtain the fulfillment they seek in other ways than i can deliver.

and i kind of just realized the other day that this young man i have know for a long long time is kind of exactly the sort of person i'd hope to end up with. basically... exactly. and i am glad i didnt realize it fully sooner because it would have tortured me.
but i also kind of wish i had met him in 10 years.
oh well.
to those of you reading... maybe only 1 of you knows the person i speak of. so dont even worry about it babies.

as for parents wishes: all i can do is live in the present.
as for my own future wishes: all i can do is live in the present.
as for my questions: all i can do is live in the present.
as for my prayer requests: all i can do is live in the present.
as for my life: all i can do is live in the present.

and trust whole heartedly in God's greater guidance, knowledge, understanding, strength, compassion, and plans.

phew...i wear myself out. no way am i ready for someone else's mind to wear me out too.

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