life's colorful painting.

I thank God that there is a schedule to life.

when i have bad days, or weeks, or months, or years... i think a lot about how thankful i am that those time periods have ends to them.  isn't it a gift that there are ends to days, ends to months and so on?
what if all of life was lived in one continuous day.  i mean, in a way life really is one giant day.  you only live one life.  but what if there were no marker points within that life?
that would truly distinguish the optimists from the pessimists.
i think if life were un-markable, i would fall into pessimism very easily.  but thank God that days go by.  then end, and start anew.  i can't stay pessimistic for long.

this was really just a bad week.
bad moods.  bad events.  bad luck.  bad advice.  just a lot of bad stuff...
and tonight especially sucked.  at least the first half of the night.
but thank God that there are new hours every hour.  thank God i had a nice show to go to with my little friend.

I saw laura viers tonight.  ah, it was just what i needed.
i'll admit, i am still feeling really shitty.  thats the only way to put it.  please excuse the vulgarity.  but a lot of hope came to me while i was watching her play...

i have been feeling really bad about my music making lately.
my lovely friend allie interviewed me for the school newspaper last week, and the article ran this week.  i felt like i wasn't worthy of any notice.
and then tonight i had this psuedo show on campus at this fundraiser event...ai yi yi...

it was a bingo night, lets preface it with that.  and i was asked to perform at it for half an hour.  my ex boyfriend, who is a wonderful person and extremely talented musician, was asked to perform as well.  and another guy was asked to play too.
i stupidly double booked plans so i asked if i could play first so i could run to the Laura Viers show at 7:30.
so i didn't get to practice more than 20 mins before hand because my dear friend patrick had borrowed my guitar.  and when i got to the event, they didnt even have the right equipment.  so scosh had to go get his own equipment.  then the speakers weren't working.  then finally i got to do sound check, but the whole shebang was running late.

so finally the few people there got to play their bingo games.
and then they had me come up and "entertain" for a half hour, but no one was listening.  obviously, if people are coming to play bingo, they aren't interested in listening to a folk musician, who sings melancholy songs, sing and play.
i was feeling pretty bad about myself, lets be honest.
i invited all my friends to come, but only allie came.  thank you allie.
and as an extra tid bit... its also a bit lonesome seeing someone you once loved looking so happy with their new girlfriend while still, after the bajillions of years ago you two broke up, still no one is interested in you.  i love seeing people in love and happy.  i am so happy to see that he has found someone new!  its very cute.  his new girlfriend is so beautiful and is a nice girl.  good match.
but on my end, its hard seeing everyone you care about, and once cared about, with a companion.  you know?
but it's very silly and immature of me to feel sorry for myself.  i just need to stay strong and hopeful.  one day... one day i'll meet my match.  i have faith, though it does flitter away sometimes.

anyway, i was just feeling really down and i guess unappreciated would sum up the whole feeling of the night perhaps?  the guitar accidentally got left behind too...oopsies.  but i have faith that someone nice picked it up.  right?  i hope so.

so little friend stephen and i went to the laura viers concert.  ah, and it was so good for me.
she is SO inspiring because she is just SO herself, and that person that she is, is so sincere and honest, creative and talented.  inspiring.
her music made me cry.  and it gave me hope that i can maybe one day make music that effects people the way her music effects me.  maybe i will never achieve it.  but i need to keep faith, for my own little heart's sake.
and there was a daddy with his little daughter in the front row.  that made me tear up too.
one day, i really hope that i will be lucky enough to find someone who will love me just as much as i will love them.  and i hope that there will be enough love to make that pair of "us" become of a trio of three loves.  dear God, i do hope.
sometimes i really doubt that will ever happen because i see it happening all around me without my own self jumping on the boat.  but i have lots of time.  i need to remember this.  love is patient.  the right man will come at the right time.  right God?  and mama mia, i dont need or want a kid for many years haha.

I was inspired to write 2 songs during the concert.  the inspiration may sound silly, but they will turn out great if i have faith in the process.  i want to write one song about grizzly bears, my favorite animal.  and i want to write another song about my horrible memory, and how it effects my relationships.
we'll see how, and when, they turn out.

ah this week has been so hard emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.  every which way.

but time rolls on.  life starts anew.  days begin and days end.
thank you God for each new day.  thank you for the hard things, the sad things, the challenging things. because it's from these things that i grow up, i grow stronger, i grow in my reliance on you.  without hope in something greater, what would make life worth living?  there is beauty in the hard parts of life.  there is joy to be found when you really have to hunt for it.  the struggles make life more interesting.  they can be maddening, but they give you reason to be passionate.  life needs highs and lows.  how else would i compare good and bad?
thank you good for each new day, new hour, new week.  thank you for showing me good friends like allie.  thank you for inspiration.  thank you for hope, for music, for art, for film.  thank you for letting me cry when i need to.  thank you for Your listening ear when no one else will listen.  thank you for kind words from friends, even if they are few and far between.  thank you for lasting friendships that cannot die over long distances.  thank you for You.  thank you for my life and the things i cherish.  i cherish it all.  this is a beautiful life.  it is turbulent.  but it is colorful.  and there is nothing more that i love than the colors you push around on this beautiful painting of life.

1 comment:

gala said...

oooooh girl. i hear this. sometimes it just pours (or dribbles, incessantly). this was like reading one of the psalms of complaint that turns up at the end, out of desperation and maybe even the relief of expressing distress. but i just hear this. by the way, you've got vision and passion and ability in spades, so hold the course...