turning over a new leaf

i have felt a time of change coming.

i think writing a song usually sets things in motion. but this time, i think the changes will be more extreme.

the school year is ending. i am going home for just a week then going to work at a camp in santa cruz, Camp Hammer, from June 16th till Aug 25th.
i can only bring as much as i can move around every 2 weeks. so thats a lot less than i own...

i have been thinking a lot about material things. i love expressing myself through clothing. to me it is making a piece of art everyday. but i have been feeling God telling me to let it go. not the self expression, but rather the desire to express myself through clothing as much as i do.
i have so many beautiful things.
but i think i need to free myself from a lot of it.
i need to simplify, to find comfort in just the little things.

i am going to sell a large portion of what i own next week. let me know if you want to buy anything.

i dont need all this jewelry that i never wear. i dont need all these shoes, these pretty dresses. they are beautiful yes, but i dont need them. i need to find beauty in less materials, and more something else.

i am an artist, and cant help the inclination to gravitate towards things that i think are physically beautiful. it is in my nature.
above all things, God has instilled in me an appreciation for beauty.
yes my dears, it is a spiritual gift. we each have one, plus some.
but i want to be seen as more than an artist.
more importantly than what others think, i want to fully believe that there is more to me than the art i make.
I want to fully believe who i am is rooted in Christ. and i want others to really see that my "being" is centered in God. to be a Christian is to truly "be." i cant explain it any other way.

i love making art. and i will always make art, all my life. but there is more to life than what i can make. there is more to life than the beauty of pictures.

i want to explore my intellect. i want to develop my intellect. i want to read and learn, explore different ways of thinking, beyond what i have explored before.
friends always tell me i am wise, and i am thankful for the insight i have developed through all the hard things i have been through. but i want to learn things beyond my own experience.
i want to comprehend ideas and trains of thought better. i want to be a scholar, though its a bit too late for that haha.

i want to feel like my mind is growing at the rate i want it to. i want to be respected for more than just what i produce with my hands. i want to be respected for my mind too. for my drive, my passions. above all, my passion for living, for loving, for pursuing God.

theres a long list of authors whose worlds i want to jump into. different philosophers i want to explore.

so here is what my journey looks like:
selling a large portion of my "things" to free up my desires from objects.
reading even more than i usually do, especially exploring philosophy.
i seek understanding.
before my own desires, making sure my life is centered around God and the kids i will be serving this summer.
and above all things, growing in my faith and learning how all the things i desire need to first be centered in God.

God, show me the way. i dont believe there is one perfect road to you. there no one perfect Christian way of thinking, other than truly understanding what it means to LOVE and to completely follow you.
a Christian is not necessarily a conservative, or a liberal, a rich man or a poor man, and so on and so on. You call us to each find our own path to you, and to helping and loving those around us.
show me the way you want me to go. show me how you want me to lead my life. show me how my desires and passions should be involved in what i do, how i live, how i learn, how i love.
show me God, and i will follow.
speak to me, and i will listen.

i hear you calling. and i am thankful you gave me ears to hear, and a beautiful world for the sounds to echo in.
i love you God, and i will give up what you ask of me.

remember when the word protest actually was a part of the protestant church?
show me what it is to live a full and powerful life as a Christian. Show me what it truly is to give up everything to live for you. Show me what it truly means to do all things for others. i work hard to understand it all. but teach me how to pursue at an even stronger rate than i am going.
show me your love God. i will always show you what i have to give.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful! I am feeling new change too, and it feels wonderful! :) A break from school will set us right! :)

I would totally be interested in buying a few pretties from you! When are you leaving school??