15.5.08

weird.

weird.

school will be done with in less than a month.  22 days.

weird.

my little sister is going to be 18 in 2 days.

weird.

i will be 22 in a month and a half.  i feel really old.

weird.

its finally warm in seattle.

weird.

i just realized that i basically cant really rest until... september.

weird.

but i do get to be busy with making art and spending my last couple moments with friends in seattle which is good, but also...

weird.

and i get to spend the one week and a half that i am home rushing around, trying to see everyone in the brief blip that i am there.  
and help Lindsey darling with wedding stuff since i am her maid of honor and i adore her.  
and let my family know i miss them.  
and then i'm off to camp.

weird.

i will work at camp, make new friends, hopefully effect lives for the better, for 2 months.  and then it will all end suddenly.
and i will go home for a couple days maybe.
and then i will move back to seattle.
into a new house/apartment with new roommates.

weird.

i wont get to spend anytime really with my family until... christmas vacation?

weird.

and i will go to school for a quarter.  and then i wont have to go to school for winter quarter.  but then i will be back for the spring quarter.

weird.

and what should i do in the winter?  should i go back home and cherish time with my family for one last breach of time?  or should i focus on starting my career in as an illustrator in seattle?  i'ts a bit hard to figure out when its so far away, and yet rushing at me like a snarling dragon.

weird.

i miss my family.  i miss my home.  and yet i dont call enough.  i dont call at all.  they call me and we exchange check ups and stats on life.  but i never call when i am in need.  never.  why is that?
i have been sick almost 2 weeks, and i never once called my parents for comfort.  i dont understand it when my friends say, "yea i was crying about blablabla, so i called my mom and she made it better."  or  "yea, i got sick, so i called my mom and she told me what to do."
i dont get it.  i dont know how that is.  
was it ever my fault that i dont understand it?  i think somewhere along the line, it did become my fault.  but it began with some really rough things that happened in my childhood that drove my relationship with my parents in the direction it is halted at now.
bleh.
when will i have time to fix this?
and how do you fix a lack of reliance on your parents?
i know lots of people who are too reliant on their parents.  but i dont know anyone who doesnt rely on their parents like i do.
what is a healthy relationship with family supposed to look like?  i dont understand it and i dont know what it should be like, feel like, look like.

i think i want it?
but i am not sure, when i haven't really experienced or remember a healthy reliance on my parents.

weird.

i realized that, although i haven't dated anyone in a year and a half, going past the point i had promised to God to be single, i still haven't finished the promise.
last summer, i still had a pseudo summer love in just sinking back into the weirdness between my really old ex boyfriend and i.  no dating though.  and we didn't see each other much.  but the emotions were still there.  and we talked about it a lot. uhg.
and so, i didn't fulfill my promise to God completely i dont think.  i still tried to fill my empty hole with a boy, even though there was no dating involved.

weird.

this will be the first summer in 4 summers where i will be entering into it thinking, you know, i dont like anyone right now.  and i haven't liked anyone for a long time now.  and i don't see myself liking anyone in the summer.  so i am finally reaching the point that i promised God i would get to.  it just took an extra 6 months.

weird.

God, it will be weird for me seeing all the beauties of the entrance into summer without someone to enjoy it with.  it is/will be weird and hard for me knowing that i dont have anyone to lay under starts with, to talk about the beautiful serene night time things with, to watch movies in the summer night with, to walk in the dark with, to go to all the summer events with, to dream about and with, to be free and silly with.
God, i am glad that i love you more than walking or driving around in the summer night time with someone i love.  And i want to love you more than that.  But you know that below my love for you, there is nothing i love more than love with another!  and the time spent with someone special in the night times of the summer is just beyond beautiful to me.  special.  romantic.  memorable.
But here i am!  i have done over a year without love from another for YOU God.  i had a brief moment of confusion last summer.  but you made me logical in that time and let me see that it wasn't the best idea for me.  i prevented what i stupidly wanted to happen from happening.
and this summer, i see no opportunity for me to fall stupidly again in the same way.
i have no plans.
i have no hidden agenda.
my heart is completely and utterly resting in your hands God.  for reals.  you know it.  i know it.  and it is so hard.  and you know it and see it too.  but you have been there for me.  and you have fulfilled your promise to me too.  you let me be tempted at the right time, and i resisted.  and then you haven't dangled any real prospects in my face ever since.
you have made me see clearly.
and i thank you.
i know now what i should look for.  because you showed me.  and there is no looking really at all.  you will show me when the time is right.  all i can do is just live my life the way i think is best.  to follow my heart, to follow you and do what i am passionate about!  i just need to keep living life just the way i know how.  and you will show me when it is ok to finally turn my attention toward another.  i am ok in waiting.
i will learn to rest the romance of summer nights, deep in my heart.  build it up and store it.  and later, i will give it all to someone made for me, to someone i am made for.
the things that are beautiful now, but make me a little sad, will be so much more beautiful later.  i just have to have joy in patience.

weird?

no, thats good.
calmness and patience.
you are teaching me.
thank you.

1 comment:

obsessed with moss said...

Very good post, it's so human and I find that comforting. I can relate so much to most every section of this. Weird?