tonight was the night of lindsey's wedding. it was beautiful. i'll tell you about it all later. i'm exhausted.
here is the blog i began to write a couple of days ago but never finished because life is too busy:
i am home from camp for Lindsey's wedding.
i have been at camp for a week and a half. it has been so good for me.
i am a counselor for the high school groups, "apostle program." campers come for 2 weeks at a time. for the first week, half of the 40 high schoolers camp in tents a short hike outside of camp base. and the other half sleeps in cabins within the main part of camp.
after the first week, the campers who are "in" camp (innies), and the campers who sleep outside of camp (outties) switch.
the campers who are innies do a couple hours of service projects for the camp during each day, and the outties do different games and competitions, hikes etc everyday.
at least half of the day, the outties and innies are together in small groups, or in team building groups, or just as a whole.
the first week of camp was just training for all the staff at camp.
i was a bit shy at first.
the fact that Patrick had died only 2 days before camp was just so hard to bear. the drive to camp felt so confusing. i felt torn between wanting to just close off into a hole by myself, spiral into depression and mourn Patrick's death beyond a a healthy point, and going to camp and just putting behind me.
thank you God for finding a balance.
i am so thankful i got to camp on the day that i did. i don't think i could have handled another day at home alone, crying and crying over Patrick's death.
being at camp has helped me keep moving, to just pay attention to what is happening in the present without forgetting about the past.
the first couple of days there, i felt pretty alone. especially when i crawled into bed. i didn't cry at night because i was so exhausted from the day's happenings. the first night, i had a dream that i was there when Patrick was killed. I woke up shocked and confused, thinking maybe that it was all a bad dream. but reality clicked back in.
i felt very shy and vulnerable during the first day.
and on the second day, i felt extremely anxious. there was this twisting writhing serpent in my belly, trying to get me to completely crawl up inside of myself and close off from the world around me. my heart was racing and pounding like i had never ever felt before.
during the first log meeting of our Apostle staff on Monday, X (Daniel) was going over all the logistic of what the next two weeks would look like. i felt like i was about to burst out in either crying or just fall on the floor writhing in pain.
once he was done talking, i said, "can i please ask for a prayer request?" very timidly and quietly. He said sure. I started to choke back tears and said, "one of my best friends was killed in a biking accident just two days ago and its just a bit hard for me right now. i feel especially vulnerable right now and would appreciate it if you guys would just be aware of it and be praying for me."
The 6 of them all got up and came over to where i was sitting and laid their hands on me, and closed their eyes and prayed. i started crying pretty hard, but once it got to the last person's prayers, i finally stopped crying.
for the rest of the day, i felt a lot more at peace. and as i opened up to more people on the greater staff, explaining what had happened to Patrick, i felt more and more comfortable.
the people on my Apostle staff are wonderful.
Daniel (X) and Bree (Oodalollie) are our head leaders in the group. they just got married 3 months ago, and are the sweetest people, kindest more genuine people. X is really calm and shy and goal oriented, and Oodalollie is more outgoing and has the greatest laugh and is super relational. they are a great pair. and have the best story of how they met, started dating, and got married. they give me hope in relationships.
Jess (Trumpkin) is such a sweetheart. she is super mellow, introverted and sweet. she is incredibly intelligent, driven, intellectual, passionate, and uses more big words than anyone else ever. i adore her. She will do a great job of really challenging the campers intellectually, and treating them as adults, driving them and helping them keep focused.
Rachelle (Eureka) is hilarious. she is so true to herself, ridiculous, loud, outgoing and hard core extroverted. She is great at relating to kids exactly where they are at. Its so funny when she cant understand what Trumpkin is saying because of the big words she uses. Eureka just totally understands how to get people excited and knows how to motivate people. she is crazy funny and pumped up and the perfect balance to Trumpkin.
I'd say that if the three of us girls were a body, Trumpkin would be the brain/mind, Eureka would be the spirit/physical body, and i would be the heart/emotions. we are a great trio for really relating to the kids. and i am so thankful for the balance they create for me too. they are wonderful support.
Sean (Sundance) is real chill. Hes extremely extremely relaxed and just kind of floats along. he's really witty and entertaining without being a show off. It is SO adorable watching him with Phoenix (Birdie) who is the camp directors', Eric (Mossi) and Sarah (Shasta), youngest daughter. she is 3 i think? He loves hanging out with her and playing with her. adorable. Sundance highly cherishes family. Hes nervous about working with High Schoolers because he feels like he relates to little kids better. But he is prepared for the challenge. His calm spirit and humor keep our group at peace and relaxed.
Brad (Steamboat) is really rad. he loves to be active and knows how to connect people through activity. he just recently kind of realized the need for him to learn to be still and to learn how to be comfortable in peace and quiet. I think he will do super well connecting with the guys in apostle. He carries himself in a powerful way, but also in a way that is really relatable. I think the fact that he really relates to other through activity will be a great balance with Sundance's demeanor. though they do both love basketball so thats kind of something that they can connect with the guys over.
If you are confused by the weird names i've been calling people in this blog, my apologies.
At camp Hammer everyone on staff, and all the high schoolers in Apostle, get camp names.
My camp name is Indigo.
How each staff member gets a name is through the naming nights.
Each person gets up and gives a one minute schpeel about themselves. and from that, everyone else gets to choose a name for them.
this one kid Alex got up and talked about how he was from Dallas, Texas. he likes making music, interior decorating, and really likes his soul patch. from that, different people on staff tried to name him things. names that had to do with texas, names that had to do with music, names that had nothing to do with anything.
if you want to name someone, you raise your hand to be called on. when its your time to pitch a name, to try to build up the name with a good story. some times the stories are pure truth, sometimes they are all made up and funny.
when they get to the end of the story they then say, "and thats why i think he should be called...WATERBUCKET!" and then everyone who likes the name starts to chant the name with their fists in the air, and everyone who hates it "chings" it. Chinging is when you put out your hands with your ring finger, pointer finger, and middle finger out on each hand. and you kind of scratch the air and say, "ching ching ching!" over and over until people stop cheering for the name.
basically, this kid alex got so many names thrown at him and so many got chinged. it took about a half hour to name him.
finally someone said, "ok. so this has officially been the longest naming ever. lets keep it short and sweet, and remember this day in history by naming him...LEGEND!"
so finally he got the name legend. and when he announced himself he said, "I am Legend." haha. it was good.
anyway, so my camp name is Indigo.
Jess (Trumpkin) named me after figuring out the name with Mossi, Shasta, Oodalollie, Eureka and Jon (Zosima).
this is all for now.
its sleepy time and i have had an exhausting week. i planned on this post being much more informative of my life as of the past few weeks. i started this posted a couple of days ago. but with Lindsey's wedding stuff, i didn't have time to finish it.
maybe in a couple of days i'll have more time! eek.
i miss you all. love you all. pray for me. i'm praying for you.