i miss patrick.
here is a post from his blog a couple months ago, when he was deciding to take a break from school.
"I am very nearly a college dropout, thats harsh. I do need a break though.
sometimes its funny to me how many times I can listen to the same song over and over again.. recently anyhow.
for example, this song (fuck everything) by talons ( of the six parts seven )
you see I haven’t told her or anyone here I’m quitting yet. which hasn’t really helped much, with this feeling of someone standing on my chest. I’m sick of just getting through time, drunk, driving home.
and then there’s that song by Headlights, where they sing “if home is where the heart is, then home is here”. If that is true then I have homes all over the place. So I guess I am just getting a bit over-anxious to leave one home, and go back to another home, ride my bike, drink a beer and clear my head.
It is also weird, how I can be so emotionally detached and then reattached from the whole leaving situation. ahh fuck, you know? right?"
here is the video he posted around the same time:
its scary looking back over the things he said within the past months, over the things he did.
so many things had to do with bikes, and death, and sleep.
here is his last post:
i love carissa's wierd.
Tonight starts to fade
And i’m starting to think things aren’t so great
Life would feel alright if i could just remember what i did last night
Why drag the hours from the clock on the wall
Didn’t count at all
It always breaks my heart
Its not right at all
Its just the worst they’ve done
We took a plane and waited all night
Because you felt like finding someone
She might wait by the phone
Just in case he called and he didn’t get through
Its the only thing that makes any sense right now
Some days are better than others
Some people are too
Some feel a lot better than others
Just look at you
when i searched for Carissa's Weird music, i could only find their myspace, (since the band is no longer together anyway."
i found it jarring, disturbing, and somehow also comforting when i read the headline of their page.
Carissa's Weird is Patrick's all time favorite band.
the headline on their page read:
"When you go away, heaven's a distance not a place."
sleep well in heaven.
have sweet dreams of bike riding, while your favorite music lulls you on in the background.
find love in heaven.
i don't know when i'll reach the end where you are, but life is really the path leading to heaven, isn't it?
so even though you are gone, i can find comfort in knowing that i grow closer and closer to you everyday my friend.
heaven is a distance not a place?
maybe its both.
Tyler, Alex and Katie visited me on my birthday at Camp Hammer.
katie drove down all the way from Seattle and surprised me!
i needed their comfort so badly. i needed to see friends who love Patrick as much as me. i needed support, to know i wasn't alone in grieving.
We sat by the pool while they told me about the funeral and the wake.
(they had all flown out to Cleveland to go. i wish i could have gone.)
They told me about the huge amount of people who showed up. They told me about our other friends who were able to come. They told me about talking to Patrick's family and friends from his hometown. They told me about it all.
Alex took beautiful photographs of everything.
he flipped through each one and explained them all.
i started shaking, and broke down.
none of them cried. i guess they had already gotten all their crying out of them.
but mine really irrupted in that moment.
and i cried.
they finally distracted me by all beckoning me into the pool to play.
i'm still crying.
i still don't want to believe it. even with proof in photos. i don't want to believe it.