6.7.08

apologies and miscommunication

i must apologize to all my friends, even the closest of the close friends, for my inability to communicate when i get really busy.

camp is ridiculously busy, but i am loving it so much.
i KNOW God has placed me here for so many reasons. this is a time in my life that i can most definitely say i was destined for.

i get little time to be introverted, and little time to process and think, so when those moments do come, i am flooded with ideas and realizations.


to my good friends everywhere...
i am sorry if you et frustrated by me sometimes with my inability to communicate over long distance. i wish i were wired like everyone else, and had the drive to pursue people over long distances. but i honestly feel like i was created with an inability to do so.

i dont know if you have realized it in your time knowing me, whether that time has been a year or ten years, but in my deepest deepest of crevices in my heart, i am a recluse.

i am torn between the two sides of my heart. one side being the gift of compassion and care for others that God has given me, and the other side being the natural recluse and the intense need for alone, thinking time, introspection and pull away from everyone and everything.

i am realizing many things about myself this summer so far. the things inside of me that twist and pull against each other. it is strange and curios how, in all of us, there are particular attributes of who we are that actually can seem to work against each other sometimes. and if those things are worked on enough, maybe they can be trained to work in unison.


i am realizing some things about myself that i think i need to just change a little bit, or alter. well, let me explain it better.
there are things about me that sometimes seem to be arch nemesis's and sometimes cause the opposings sides to not function to their full potential, or almost cancel each other out.
basically, i need to figure out how i can change these little things just barely enough so that they can become perfect compliments for each other, rather than letting them fight against one another.

kind of like Lindsey and Blaise, my friends who just got married, haha.
when they were kids they fought a lot and loved to pester each other and foil each other's plans.
but once they reached particular points in their lives, the passions and drives that were unique to each of them suddenly were in perfect harmony.

i need harmony.

i know i was created to love others and to show compassion. but i also know that i was created to be alone in a lot of ways. not alone in a lonely way. i think people quickly assume that being alone is a negative thing.
it's not!
for extroverts, perhaps it can be really negative because it depletes their energy.
but for introverts like me, it causes us to thrive, to gain energy, to help us keep going, inspiring us, giving us freedom and motivation.

i am very spontaneous in that i will most of the time be up for whatever someone around me wants to do. but if i am by myself and in alone moorea mode, trying to process and think, i wont want to move. i wont even want to talk to anyone.

i am good at ministering to the people who are in really immediate proximity of me, but i am HORRIBLE at ministering to those farther away from me.
its not that i dont care about them, its just that i cant even explain the intense exhaustion i get from just trying to call someone far away.
i also just hate having to use technology to try to gain a one on one connection with someone. it drains me.


i feel bad that i cant give as much to others as i would like. ways in which giving seems easy to other people, for me usually feels absolutely draining. the simplest things. i dont understand why. i and know that some friends must get so frustrated with me.

being at camp, i am kind of realizing the sorts of relationships that God created me for. or at least the relationships in which he created me best to serve within.
does that make sense?

some people can make a ton of friends and can give and give and give to them all, forever.
some people only make a few friends and can only give to those few fully.

i, for some reason, can make a lot of friends quickly if i choose to, and often people want to be my friend for a long time, and i really want to be friends with everyone for a long time too. but then i also know deep down that i wasn't made to serve most people.
i was made to fit really well a few particular types of people.
i was made to be energized by just a few types of people.
but i do love to get along with every type of person, and i love to bring joy to everyone, and make everyone comfortable.

so often i feel bad sometimes when i invest a lot in people that i know i actually dont work that well with, or who i get no energy from, or who i dont feel encouraged by at all. i feel bad when those relationships exhaust me, because i still care for the person deeply. i just cant give to them like perhaps someone else should.

i am learning my need for balance.
how do i show everyone love, without exhausting myself and wanting to run off in seclusion?


at camp, i feel like i am doing well in learning. i am learning my boundaries.
but i still feel bad for all my best, great, good, and acquaintance-y friends everywhere else. because i SUCK at communicating from far away places!

my apologize my friends!

step one:
the best way to communicate with me, and a great way for me to feel energized when communicating with friends far away is through WRITING LETTERS, much rather than email or phone calls.

so write me letters.
and i will write you back when i have time.
i mean it.

and i apologize.
and love you.

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