he guides my steps, and it is frighteningly beautiful

God has been speaking to me SO LOUDLY since i have been at camp.
it is overwhelmingly beautiful. it is powerful, it is painful, it is frightening, it is good.

first God sent me patrick to visit and to let me know he is alive and well. overwhelming. yes. stunning. yes.

then he sent patrick to me in a dream. pure comfort.

then he told me to share my testimony with the entire camp. woah... frightening.

then he brought a girl into my life whose life mirrored mine in SO many ways. in the most painful ways, and the most beautiful too. God showed his purpose in desire for me to tell my story. it was meant for her, and for so many hurting campers.

and then, he shouted at me louder than i have EVER heard him. God, you are whirling me around and its crazy!
its crazy its crazy its crazyyyyy!!!! it is unexpected!
you are shocking me. you are stretching me farther than i ever imagined i could be stretched! you are forcing me to believe in the things i never ever would have imagined to believe in. you are in COMPLETE control of my life. it is AMAZING.

God told me i HAD to sing a song to a friend. someone i have been scared to try to become close to, but who i also know God has been drawing me to deeply. it scares me. and i dont want to listen. but i cant not listen. God is SO LOUD right now.
i sang.
and he cried.
God i see your purpose in my actions, vaguely. it is so strange. but so necessary.

you tell me to do things that i dont understand.
i listen.
i pray.
i get scared.
i gain strength to follow.
and i go.
i fulfill the actions you tell me to do.
i say what you want me to say.

but i rarely understand each action in its entirety.

you said, tell your testimony.
i said, what! now? really? can we wait awhile or something?
you said, no, i said now.
i said, ok. i dont understand why. but i do feel the weight of darkness, hovering over these campers. please use me to bring them comfort. use me to communicate whatever they need to hear. i dont know what they need, and i dont know what you want me to say. but i will act, and trust that whatever i say is what you want me to say.

i realize now, mostly what i was speaking for, who i was speaking for. well i cant even say that. i know that i was absolutely meant to speak words for one particular girl. it is apparent now. but wasnt apparent before, or while i spoke. but i know you are using me to bring hope to even more kids than this one incredible girl. she is so incredible.

you see that i am completely devoted to you, and no other.
you see the compassion that overwhelms my soul.
you give and take from me. and i see your purpose in some things.
but most importantly, i hold COMPLETE faith in the fact that you move lives with utter purpose.
i may not see reason in all things.
i may not see purpose in all things.
i may not have utter wisdom in each situation.
but i KNOW you have ultimate wisdom.
you have ultimate power.

i am happy in the mystery of you.
i am joyful and strong in your mysterious movements.
my feet are guided by you, my eyes, my hands my mouth, each thing is YOURS.
my mind cannot grasp each movement you make.
you pull me in directions i cannot comprehend.
but i FOLLOW.
i will always follow.
you show true power when i am most scared but still following.

you yelled at me. talk to him!
i said, err scary. how about i'll just pray for him.
you said, alright well here is the weight of his heart.
i said, show me.

it was heavy. it is heavy.

you showed me what it looks like in dreams.
i was scared. i didnt believe that real things could be communicated in dreams.
but then i remembered that you brought me patrick in my dreams. i cant ignore the strange ways in which you communicate to me.
i have to believe that even the day dreams are guided by you. you are in my every thought.

his mind was floating high above his head, and his heart was low in his palms. his steps were heavy.

i kept praying.
you said, talk to him.
i said, ah! its still scary!
you said, talk to him.
i said, help me.

two of them were in conversation, and i was sitting nearby. i heard the vague words and realized God was telling me to listen, God was talking through them. God was talking through the confusion and pain of one, and the wisdom of another.
the wise spoke of mysterious things i would NEVER have believed in, if it werent this particular situation. he was explaining the exact thing that happened to me a long time ago.
he was explaining my biggest turning point.
he was explaining my life.
beyond me though, he was explaining how God worked through me. less to do with me, more to do with God.

you said, LISTEN! this is it. this is the final time i will explain as much as i can to you. think of your turning point. think of the song you wrote. think. think of the words you wrote. you were the one writing, but i was the one guiding your pen.
i said, ...God you are shocking me. you are stunning. i am scared.
you said, no listen. think. use your heart, use your head.
i said, ok. i finally see. and it is frightening. i never expected this to happen. i believe that all things are connected. i believe than things from the past can have greater purpose in the present sometimes. but this is shocking me. i wrote words 3 years ago that i once thought were for myself. i once thought were meant for my sister. the words filled their purpose in those times, but never fully. i knew they were meant for something bigger but i didnt understand what for, or who they were for, or when i would really use them for their greater purpose. and now is the time, isn't it?
you said, now is the time.
i said, i am scared.
you said, talk to him.
i said, ok.

i told him i needed to sing him a song.
i tried to explain, but it felt completely overwhelming and disjointed. i told him that i have felt God putting him on my heart for the past month and i didnt understand why. i told him that i had visions of him with his mind floating above his head, and his heart in his hands hung low. and i told him about the song.
i told him how the words were written by me, but that God created deeper meaning in them than i could create for myself.
i told him that maybe the words were meant for me when i first wrote it, and maybe they were meant for other people at other times, but i think that beyond anyone else, they were meant for him.
they WERE meant for him.
and he said that he knew God was telling me to talk to him right now. he believed.

so i sang to him.
and it hit his heart. i know God was talking to him while i played and sang. i didnt feel like i was singing, i felt like God was singing. i felt like God was using me to talk to him. it was an experience i never imagined to have. it wasn't me. it was me, but it wasn't JUST me. i was a paint brush in God's hand. the music painted a picture to give to another.
i was scared.
i was nervous.
i didnt understand.

i still dont understand.
i still dont know what my exact purpose was.
i still dont know what God was communicating to him.
i still dont understand the need for me to be a part of this moment in another persons life.
i dont understand.

but you told me to talk to him.
i was scared.
but i was faithful.

show me purpose God.
i dont need it right in this instance. i need it when you think that i need it. i dont know when that is. but i do know you will show me meaning sometime. sometime. when you think it is right.

God i love you.
i am loyal to you, beyond and above any sort of loyalty i understand in loyalty to others. i am loyal to others because the greatest example is found in you.
i am COMMITTED to you. i will never run away from you. i will always listen. i will always follow. sometimes it takes a while for me to get to the point of taking action. but it is because i want to make sure i moving because of you, not because of impulse or selfish desires.

this is what you have been teaching me.

it has taken me a long long time.
but i have learned ultimate patience. i have learned to listen. i have learned true compassion. i learned to truly follow you. i have learned to find joy even in the hardest turmoil. i have grown up. i am a woman. i am a woman because YOU are my God. all that is good in me is because of YOU. all that is of value is based in you. all that is changing is based in you. all that is flawed is based in you, because you are telling me, here is what you need to work on. you dont put me down, you just say, keep working, i am proud of you even when you fail. keep going. have faith.

God. i feel more real than ever in my life.
i KNOW that each movement is based in your step.

i feel complete. i feel more and more complete every second.
i am complete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and you will break me again. but i will still be complete, completed, and looking forward to further completion.

i am READY.
i want what you have prepared for me.
i am READY.
i am willing.
show me what you want of me.
show me.

my heart is SO restless. it is bouncing off the caverns of my soul. it is ready. it is excited. it seeks you in your glory. it seeks new understandings. it seeks unity.
it is restless and excited.
i am restless and excited.
i am joyful.


kahte said...

this tiny glimpse into what you are experiencing my dear moorea overwhelms me. but makes me so happy as well.

Mama's Losin' It said...

I love you're writing. Sometimes words like these can turn people away who are not ready or willing to accept God. You have a way with words that is inviting...and welcoming...and lovely.

Rachel.d.Hurley said...

indigo, I am so so so blessed to have met you. you're amazing and wonderful and i love reading your blog. it inspired me to start my own: www.interpretiveknoll.blogspot.com
love you,

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post! I am praying for you and miss you so much. I am glad to her that He is using you in many ways. You are surrounded by prayer!!


Murphy said...

thank you for the warm welcome
I still get shivers reading this post
you make God so visible to me,
he shines through you, and your
right it is frighteningly beautiful
I miss you and love you so much
counting the minutes til
I see you again love
and I agree singing with you was the
highlight of my summer as well
I'm bringing my guitar on the 7th
tomorrow I'll miss you,