a note on companionship

gosh, mixed emotions about this subject.

this summer i learned something about myself thats kind of scary for me.
perhaps i just learned to admit something to myself finally.  it goes along with the whole needing other people thing.
i am made for community.
i am made to get married and have kids someday.

freaks me out.  and yet makes me so excited.

today i was reading one of my friends', who graduated a year ago, blog.  she posted a bunch of pictures that she has taken at all of the millions of weddings she went to this summer.  and she discussed her own yearnings for marriage with her boyfriend who she has been dating for the past 4 years.

i got this distaste in my stomach from reading.  i dont know why.  i thought at first that it was just a freak out inside of me, a voice saying, "eek suffocating!  why would i want to join in all that marriage making?"
and then that voice died away and the real voice came out.  "oh dear, look at all the people around me getting married.  look at all the beautiful and healthy relationships.  will this ever happen for me?"

the tonight, i ran into an old friend from high school at our local coffee shop Mekka.
he was there with his girlfriend and another friend from high school.  my, his girlfriend was so precious!  and he was just as sweet and openhearted as he once was.  He asked for my number so we could hangout if he is ever in Seattle, and if i am in the LA area.
he said, "is your last name still Seal?"  ...uhg.
we went on a little while joking about how everyone from high school has gotten married or had a baby or two.
nope.  i am still extremely single.  nowhere even near those things.

then the friend he was with... whose name i cannot remember.  shoot.  we were in Poetry Club together.  anyway, she straight away mentions how she and my ex boyfriend are going to hangout in Berkeley and go rock climbing.
...uhg again.
punch me in the face.
it seems that every time i am in Nevada City, and i am NOT thinking about my exboyfriend.  every time i feel freed from him, i seriously run into this girl and she mentions him!  why?

why, why.
i didnt tell her to say hi to him from me.
i was in the bay area for the past 3 months, and i never called him.  i was in Berkeley for a couple days, and i didn't call him.  i am free from him.  and yet, i cant escape him huh.  am i still running?  what is up God?  i dont get it.

So conclusion of the night:
i am feeling very weird about companionship ideas.

i DONT want to admit it.  i DONT.  this is the thing i least want to admit in the world.  but what i want more than anything in the world is to be married to someone who matches me so perfectly.  i want to raise kids, love them, encourage them.  i want to find freedom and creativity within a family unit.  i want to go on adventures with a husband, and with kids later down the road.

i am only 22.
ONLY 22.
but when i add up the numbers...i feel like i am getting closer and closer to never finding anyone.  to never obtaining my greatest desires.
you cant search out love.
it has to come naturally.  and i havent been close to obtaining a naturally moving love with anyone in years.
i want to learn to love freedom that can only be obtained within a unit.  i love my independent freedom.  but i want to learn the freedoms and new sources of inspiration within a pair.  i want to know!  i want to learn!  i want to be humbled.  i want to learn to work with someone.  i am sick of being stubborn and self fulfilling.  i want a challenge.  i want to be sacrificial.  i want to give.  
if i count it out...it freaks me out.
if i were blessed enough to begin dating someone who is actually meant for me, within the next month... we probably would date for what... 2 years or so?  and then be engaged for 6 months?  so i'd be almost 25 when i got married.
and then wait a couple years to have kids.
i'll be almost 30 when i have my first kid!  i dont want that!  i want to be young and energetic when i have kids!  i want to be able to have as many years with them as  can.  with kids.  with grand kids.  with family.

God, how long will i have to wait?
go ahead and keep throwing all this crazy dramatic stuff at me while i am single so i can see why i need this time alone to grow.
but please please God, give me a chance to grow WITH someone else too.  give me a chance to learn about you through someone else.  give me a chance to open myself completely to someone.  give me a chance to show your love completely to someone.  give me a chance to find a unique freedom in loving one other person forever.  give me a chance to give to them forever.  give me a chance to love, nurture, dedicate my life to young ones that are made of me, a good man, and you.  give me a chance God.  when you are ready.  and when you see i am too.

i'll be actively waiting.  i'll be living this single life, preparing myself to be a dedicated wife and mother one day.  i will one day, right?  please God?
i see what i am made for.  please don't deny me of the life that i know i can honor you most through.

i wrote my future husband a letter this summer.
i hope he gets to read it one day.  and i hope it brings him joy.


Rachel.d.Hurley said...

keep this in mind: my parents were in their 30's when they got married. I believe my dad was 36 or so. you have time, PLENTY of time. also, something I'm learning is that God is constantly showing us how we can grow, that never stops, and that we can't jump a step ahead of where God wants us. i ALWAYS try to take the next step when God wants me to stay exactly where I am. this reminded me of that. God has you where he wants you and someday you are going to make such an AMAZING AMAZING mom.
don't worry, itll happen.
love you, miss you,

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, Companionship... Disparity. Evoke.