questioning myself

i took a short personality test today.
not sure.

here are my results:

Type 4: The Artist. The intuitive, reserved type.

and then i also scored a 4 way tie for 2nd place with these 4 types:
Type 1: The Reformer. The rational, idealistic type.
Type 3: The Motivator. The adaptable, success-oriented type.
Type 5: The Thinker. The perceptive, cerebral type.
Type 7: The Generalist. The enthusiastic, productive type.

i scored really highly for Type 4.  go figure.
i am an artist.
more than anything, i seek mystery and beauty.
i am an INFP (meyers briggs).
i am heavily intuitive.
i am reserved... though most of the time wish i wasn't this way.

and as for the 4 other types i seem to fit within, yes.  i think they suit me alright.

here are the other types i didn't score very highly under:

Type 2: The Helper. The caring, nurturing type.
Type 6: The Skeptic. The committed, security-oriented type.
Type 8: The Leader. The powerful, aggressive type.
Type 9: The Peacemaker. The easygoing, accommodating type.

its funny... at camp i think i was given the chance to have my really pleasant attributes shine.  and i think during that period of time, i was heavy in the Type 2, and Type 9.  but now, i didn't score anything for those two.  why is this?  is it just because i am taking the test while in an environment different from camp?  probably.

i guess i am pleased to see what i scored.  
it makes sense with my mindset these days.
i think this year, i will be the person that i want myself to be, or the person i have felt restrained from being?  well... more, i will just do the things i put my mind to.
i am a super senior.  this is my last year.
i have my senior art show to prepare for.  i want it to be powerful and stunning.
i want to be respected as an artist.  i want people to see that i am serious about my work, that i am becoming a professional.
i want people to see my drive, my passion.

this year i am entering into a new humbled state.
i have needed to be cracked like a delicate little egg.  i have needed to be more honest with myself, and those closest to me for a long time.  i am learning this.  and i am happy to be working on it.  its scary though, because i have to let my guard down.  i have to.  i need to admit my failings and my fears.

here is a fear:
by being completely me, i am continually afraid that i will be forever unnoticed.
its true.

by being an artistic person, and unable to not be that way, i feel a lot of the time that people only want to be my friend to use me for my talents.  art, music, hair cutting, etc.
i want to give and give and give to people, please them.  but its exhausting if they don't give back.  i should not let myself be taken advantage of for the things i feel created to be and do.

i am reserved.
i am outgoing sometimes, and can be a good leader when assigned the position.
but most of the time i am really bashful and reserved.
i can't parade around in front of people, like a lot of girls do.  i suck at being flirtatious, i just don't understand how to do it.  i despise the idea of presenting myself in a light that is not true to me.  i am nervous in the spotlight.
i am very reserved i guess.

this year is the first time i am realizing my jealousy of girls who are dissimilar to me.  girls who can be false.  girls who are more comfortable faking it and putting on a facade.  its a strange feeling.
i don't know how to not be myself.  i feel suffocated and disgusting if i am not true to me in my own nature.  
i am reserved, and so a lot of "me" doesn't stand out immediately.  i am very jealous of girls who get attention for "appearing" to be things that i know i am, but i don't broadcast to the world.

i want to, and need to, be sought out.  i need to be pursued.  i need to be desired.  i tried a long time ago to be someone who tries to throw it all out there, who pursues and puts their interior life on display.  but it felt false.  i dont want to exploit myself.
i need to be patient.  i need to remember that i am a hidden treasure.  i'm not a bag of candy that can be dolled out to anyone and everyone.
i am an artist.  the intuitive, reserved type.
its true.

1 comment:

Rachel.d.Hurley said...

"i am reserved, and so a lot of "me" doesn't stand out immediately. i am very jealous of girls who get attention for "appearing" to be things that i know i am, but i don't broadcast to the world."
i can so relate to that.