break it off

i need

i need

no, i will

i will stop perpetuating my thoughts, that if i do particular somethings, that people will think certain things about me.

that makes no sense.

heres another something i realized this summer, having to do with being frightened.
i am scared of people labeling me. i hate hate hate people thinking false things about me. i am paranoid that people think certain things about me.

i let myself perpetuate the labels that were placed on me during my childhood and teenage years. i need to believe that people don't think those things about me anymore. and if they do, i need to just say, fuck it.

i need to get over it. get over it moorea. i need to hear myself say that, and believe it.
katie is a good friend to me. she confirmed in me the fear i have, tonight. she said that i let myself think that people label me certain things, when maybe they dont. or i let myself be afraid of peoples judgement when i want to do something, so then i dont even do it.

i need to, and WILL stop this. i hate that about myself.
in some ways, i am completely confident in being myself. but in other ways, i am so scared.
and it ALL relates back to how i grew up. basically, it all relates back to every year leading up to my 3 years at SPU.

being a british girl, moving to america and everyone expecting me to be a certain way.
being a pastors daughter, and everyone expecting me to act, and just be a completely different person than i felt i was.

i feel completely out of the loop with SO much popular culture in america. i feel SO out of the loop with girls my age, pretty much almost all the time.
i feel out of the loop of this culture, and i cant make myself be just like everyone else. it is suffocating, so i try to just wade through it, or sit through it without a peep. no expression of distaste, dislike, ir rejection of what seems so natural to everyone else.

i dont want to offend anyone.
i dont want to appear snooty for my dislikes.
i dont want people to think i am a bitch.
i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont want anyone to feel as if i am personally attacking them for just simply disagreeing with them.
i dont want to be rude.
i dont want to forever be that girl who cant relate to what seems so normal for everyone else.

Gosh what is this that i am realizing right now?
i am a chicken!
i am exactly the same as i was when i was 8!
i dont ever expect to fit in, so i dont try to. but i dont ever voice how out of place i feel, so i just let myself steep in the saturation of all the things i detest.
i am STILL that awkward, weird girl who just doesn't feel like she will ever fit it.

but just like since i was little, its not that i want to fit it. i just dont want to be JUDGED for simply trying to be true to myself.

theres 4 things. its like a timeline, the progression from one to the next to the next.
conformity, resentment, complacency and true freedom.
i want to think i am free, but i am still complacent.

uhg! stop this myself! how shameful to finally realize this and own up to it!

i need to let myself just BE myself!
i need to let myself have the opportunity to be judged.
its ok if people judge me, or place false stereotypes on me. they will always be false. i have to trust in the unspoken truth.
i need to walk out, when i feel like i am wasting my time on a shitty movie that everyone seems to just love.
i need to just leave the group, when i feel like all the other girls around me are falsely orgasmically laughing to try to attract the attention of the alpha male.
i need to just leave when everyone around me feels like they are competeing, and i dont want anything to do with it.
i need to not speak at all, when i hear gossip and rude words mixing all around me.
i need to not feel the need to prove myself when people all around me are trying to one up each other on this or that.

i need to say, i dont care what you think when...
i expect people to think i am a prude because of what i DONT and WONT disclose about myself.
i need to not give a shit when people trash talk me for doing something that i see as worthwhile and sacrificial.
i need to not be embarrassed when people chuckle at something that i see as being beautiful or worthwhile.
who gives a fuck if they dont relate to what i DO relate to.
i need to be totally firm and happy in being a bit obscure and unique. i need to be proud of that, not ashamed.

i need to be proud in the healthiest ways, and rid myself of my defensive-ness.

i dont want to be defensive! i hate that about myself!

i am promising myself right now.
no more stubborn, being defensive shit.
no more being embarrassed, scared and bashful.
i will be strong in the ways i have been avoiding.
i will let down my defenses.
i will give myself the opportunity to disappoint people for my choices. my being me. my being true to who i firmly believe God says i am.
i will not be afraid of being judged.
God is the only true judge. who gives a shit what anyone else thinks.
people can guess, and try to come up with reason to judge.
but God is the only one who KNOWS. he can judge as he chooses.
and right now, all the things i am not doing, or being, by trying to defend myself against others, even good friends, those are just barriers between me and God. he wants me to be true to myself, and to Him. even if it causes dischord among people i thought were friends. even if it causes people to judge me. even if it causes people to think less of me.

be bold in EVERYWAY.
be strong in EVERYWAY.
keep faith, and know that you are LOVED!

uhg. life is so tricky and exhausting sometimes.


Jessy O'Brien said...

moorea you made me laugh a lot in this one... cause of course I can relate. so can mostly everybody. it's called the battle of the flesh. i appreciate you dear, and love to hear your heart.
God IS good and has such a full life for us, eh? how exciting. peace to you and i look forward to the day when we can hang out.

abigail deon said...

i love hearing your heart moorea. i've admired your thought processes from a distance for a long time now. it's about time we were better friends. you should come over to my house for soup on a friday night. tonight?

Anonymous said...

When I think of you I have a hard time describing just who and what you are, you are simply beautiful. You are rare and unique, and I hope to have a chance to get to know better.

the rumination reading room said...

you are extremely sweet. and i have no idea who you are ms or mr anonymous. who are you?