I had a hard day.
I almost started crying a couple times in my New Pictures class yesterday.  I realized suddenly that i would never be in an art class with patrick ever again.  i'll never run into him in the art center.  he'll never be there physically ever again.
I wrote all my friends a song about him.
No one has heard it yet.
Some professors and friends in the art department have been asking me about how i feel about Patrick being gone, and how his death is affecting me now that i am back in school, in the art department.  i held it together for awhile, but i started crying once a professor 
asked me to help her plan a sort of memorial event for everyone in the art dept to honor him.  i felt honored to be asked to help with it, and i started crying, realizing that there was the need to honor someone in their death.  i dont want to have to say goodbye, or actualize his passing.  but i know i really really need to.
its so scary.
I had talked to my professor earlier this week about how i should present my song to my friends, in what context, when and where.  And it seems as though this will be the event i will need to do it at.  i am really scared that i will start crying while i attempt to sing.  but i think i need to do it for my own sanity.

i have needed a lot of comfort recently.
here are somethings that bring me comfort:

"Boots of Spanish Leather"  Bob Dylan
"Swept Away"  The Avett Brothers
"Good Night"  The Beatles
"Winter Love"  Animal Collective
"On My Way"  Ben Kweller
"Red Right Ankle"  The Decemberists
"Overdue"  The Get Up Kids
"Naked as We Came"  Iron and Wine
"Trance Manual"  John Vanderslice
"Spelunking"  Laura Veirs
"Pitseleh"  Elliott Smith
"Grey Whale Winter"  Mariee Sioux
"Monument"  Mirah
"House Carpenter"  Nickel Creek
"The Lemon of Pink"  The Books
"Graceland"  Grizzly Bear
"Batteries (1:00 am)"  Scott Johnson
"Caspian Can Wait"  The Velvet Teen
"Golden Brown"  The Stranglers  (my most favorite song ever)

"The End of History"  Fionn Regan  (amazing video)
"Veneer"  Jose Gonzalez
"Seven Swans"  Sufjan Stevens
"The Milk-Eyed Mender"  Joanna Newsom
"Mignonette"  The Avett Brothers
"Greatest Hits"  James Taylor
"Riot on an Empty Street"  Kings of Convenience
"Ulwandle Oluncgwele" Ladysmith Black Mambazo
"Trouble"  Ray LaMontagne
"Love is Hell pts 1 &2"  Ryan Adams
"Greatest Hits"  Simon and Garfunkel
... any of Mason Jenning's albums
... any Elliott Smith albums

my bed
my little sisters
my very closest friends
sleepy baby kittens
snuggly sleepy babies
small things
someone holding me
long hugs

layers of warm, colorful clothing
writing songs

dunking chocolate chip cookies in 2% milk, or whole milk
Haagen Das chocolate and peanut butter ice cream
Reeses peanut butter cups
anything chocolate and peanut butter

all so cozy.


Schlaeps said...

We're all praying for you. :)

Julianna said...

Ah I loooooooove Jonathon Strange & Mr. Norrell!
love love love it. I've never known of anyone who's read it yet yay we should chat about it!

Meow meow

Anonymous said...

i love you friend. you are always in my prayers

Rachel.d.Hurley said...

you'll be amazing at the memorial. i was at camp this weekend, and was so sad you weren't there. we played your music though, so you were kinda there. your voice at least : )
i'm praying for you.