but i have an incredible God. he showers me with so much love through all my friends and acquaintances, even the people i babysit for. God is so good and just.
i talked to my roommate and best friend Anne last night about my fears.
i was talking to my friend patrick the other night about my bad luck, and his roommate jokingly said, "don't tell guys about all that or no one will ever want to marry you."
it was a joke... i know.
but it hit me really hard.
my biggest fear is that i will never get married. i do trust God finally, that if i am supposed to be married someday, that God will make that happen at His timing. but i am human, i do get scared sometimes.
i see so much beauty in being single, and i am happy to be single as long as God wants me to be. i have been in love twice now, and did a lot of dating in the past. but i am tired of it. when i date next, i want it to last. and i don't need to rush that. i have my entire life ahead of me. i shouldn't be afraid though that a healthy steady life long relationship will never happen for me. i shouldn't be so scared if i really trust God.
i haven't dated in two years. perhaps that is why i get so nervous these days about never falling in love again. i am not just going to date for fun, because its not fun for me anymore. i don't want to waste my heart on people who wont last. when i date again, i want to be in it. i want that person to know that i am fulling committing my heart to them. i want them to know i am intentional and loyal. why would i waste that on a lot of people? i only need to give that to one more person.
so i will wait.
i will be patient. there is no need to rush anything. i should celebrate my time now, because it is leading to something.
i realized something important this summer, which i explained to Anne yesterday.
i realized that every second i breathe, everything that happens to me or within me, everything is forming me to be a perfect match for that one man i will meet in the future. every good thing that happens to me should be celebrated right now. every bad thing that happens should be worked through and accepted because it is giving me reason to be humbled, its giving me reason to grow and change to become something and someone better suited for that one person.
i can't change myself for someone once i meet them. they need to take me exactly for who i am in each of those future moments. and i have to do the same for them. so i should rejoice in each moment that i have leading up to meeting them, because its not even time waiting for them. it is time preparing me to meet them.
its not lonely waiting. its joy filled, humbling, patient preparation.
i almost forgot that when patrick's roommate made that kind of rude comment.
but i remembered it again when i was talking to Anne.
i am completed in each moment, i am continually being completed. but i am still complete each second i am alive.
i live in the eternal present. all i need to do is BE. find contentment in the exact space that God places me within. When its time for me to be placed in the space that i meet and get to know that special someone, that is be wonderful! i am so excited for those days to come! i am excited to say i love you to only one more person for the rest of my life! but for now, i will keep those i love yous safe and tucked away, till God shows me that man.
it will be a beautiful day.
and i will rejoice in God each day that i wake up, and go to sleep. be it alone in my twin sized bed, or on the couch. or one day with the the love of my life. i am happy in the present, and i look forward to what God is preparing me for.
God is good.
i have faith in Him to do exactly what he sees fit for me.
its hard sometimes, and i have moments of doubt and confusion. but He reels me back in, and i remember.
i am sorry God for the times i let my trust in you leak out a little bit. cracks show up in the wear and tear of life. this temple inside of me gets worn and battered with turbulent weather. but the body inside keeps working and fixes the new problems. the cracks get sealed up. the body prepares itself for the storms to come.
We sang this in church today. I almost started crying. God is so good.
In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.