song: "B.M.F.A." Martha Wainwright
listen to it while reading. perhaps you will laugh at me and not take my own words so seriously. hint: the words that B.M.F.A. stand for are bad words, so don't listen to it if you can't laugh at bad words.
so some really shitty stuff happened tonight.
and ooooh the irony. God must be laughing at me while i scream fowl language in every direction. i am very angry.
heres what happened.
i went into my basement, which my room is also in/attached to. there was a GIANT pool of water covering the floor near the drain/sink.
i went into my room to see if it leaked through the wall.
reaction: F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK!!!!!!!!!!! God, forgive the language.
yes, the wall it leaked through just so happens to be the wall that my bed is against. and i have NO money, NO money at all, so my "bed" consists of a matress on the floor. if i didn't owe my roommate $800, i would have a real bed. but i obviously cannot afford it.
the mattress is leaned up against the outside wall of my house while water streams out of the bottom.
other various things were soaking wet: bedding, books beside my bed, clothing, rugs.
my roommate and her friend/new interest came running outside and down the cement basement stairs to see what had happened, after hearing me scream F*CK repeatedly.
we tried to suck up all the water with all the towels we have in the house. failure.
we then tried to suck up all the water with a shop vac. failure. we realized there was a hole in the floor that was just bubbling up more and more water. we put a heavy bucket over it to hopefully hold it down till morning.
all of this took place between midnight and 1am.
i moved all my stuff, art supplies, clothes, etc, upstairs. hung up things to dry inside and outside.
and then grabbed my computer to vent through writing a blog. and lo and behold... my computer froze which it has probably only done once before.
i tried to reboot it, and all that came up on the screen was a big NO sign.
once again, this word came out: F*CK. Apologies God.
i am now using my roommates computer to write this.
i am angry.
and yet... i hear God laughing at me.
because i knew something bad was going to happen today. i KNEW it.
God speaks to me through loss, through the smallest and the biggest.
yesterday the strap of my favorite moroccan leather backpack broke while i was wearing it, trudging up the hill to my house from school.
i thought to myself, oh no... here we go again. i'm going to lose something again. something important.
the last time i had a series of loss, it was the end of the school year, this past spring. it all started with a small turquoise in the ring i wear everyday. more and more things kept being broken and lost, and then 2 weeks later, Patrick died.
my backpack is such a trivial thing to even care about being broken, but i KNEW it was a hint at something else being ruined or lost or broken in the near future.
i just said in my last post how my bed is a huge source of comfort for me. how i have been needing comfort so much lately, and now that is taken away.
i just said how music is a HUGE source of comfort for me, and that is ALL on my computer which is now broken and taken away.
AND, on top of that. here is something i JUST wrote in response to a friend's blog yesterday:
i HATE losing things too!
but i have found that God communicates to me the most deeply through loss. its very hard. but i guess he finds it necessary. from the smallest things, of losing a gemstone in my ring, to losing the life of a friend, God speaks so loudly.
i was walking home today and my favorite leather backpack broke, the strap just snapped off and it fell of my shoulders. its a subtle reminder to me that all things fade away, even the things that you hold onto the closest. at least we can learn to love that thing, that person, Gods creation while we still have it. cherish things until they become lost. its inevitable. they just go away to the place God calls them to.
God, i dont understand what you are telling me.
i am sorry i haven't been reading my bible since i have been in Seattle. i am sorry i haven't been paying as much attention to you as i did at camp. i am sorry. i need you as my comfort. i am sorry i didn't even mention you in my list of comforting things. i didn't mention your Word. i didn't mention your Son. i am sorry. please bring me comfort.