Replacing Investments a.k.a. my Life

i hate wasting money. i have become very careful with my money within the past year especially. especially especially the last couple of months.

money can turn into something so evil if you aren't careful. so i try to respect the money i earn because money = time. i have little time, and little money. but i work hard in my time, to get that little money.

when i put money into something, be it a mattress, a book, a piece of clothing, or even music, i think of it as an investment that is to be respected and held as a gift on loan from God. all things are a gift from God. so i don't like misusing or disrespecting objects that can be utilized for a long time. especially things that can further my future. and as for music, it is a huge part of what brings me joy and fills me up, brings me intense inspiration. so i view music as an investment too.

now that i basically have to start all over again... i have to be particular about what i put my little money into.

my computer was a gift from a dear friend a year and a half ago.
heres what happened:
i had saved just enough money to buy a computer but then a ton of medical problems happened, and other money draining crisies all in a big swoop, and all my money went away.
i was devestated, and she saw that. unknowingly to me, she had saved her own money to give to me to replace what i had lost.
what an incredible gift.
that computer gave me SO much freedom, inspiration, direction as to where i want my life to go.

that computer had all the programs i needed to start my illustration career. it was my launching point. i utilized that a lot within the past year. a lot.
a part of me has been erased.

that computer had the program i needed to record my music. i had over 25 different songs recorded. i was especially proud of the ones i have created within the past year.
now those are ALL GONE. i cant rerecord a lot of them because of how i did the recordings. i never saved a backup. i dont know how to reproduce them. a huge part of me has been erased. HUGE.

that computer had 9000 songs on it. within the past year, i bought a lot of music that was especially inspiring to me. i am guessing that i probably lost $400 worth of music that i bought within the past year. i guess to some people, investing in music is a waste of time or money. but music has always been such an essential part of my life. its hard to suddenly be without the sounds of who i am.

that computer had all my millions of lists on it.
i am a bit of a perfectionist, and probably a little ocd. and list making is my very favorite thing. i am a bit of a maniac when it comes to researching everything and anything online, and then making a big bookmark folder of my findings. so many resources for art, music, design, fashion, faith, learning, and millions of other things.
wiped away.

i probably had hundreds and hundreds of photos on there. of friends i see no longer, family, places that are important to me, peices of art, so many memories. crash, and they are gone.

i had a big folder of music, art, and photos that remind me of patrick. gone.

important papers and research. intensly sought out inspirations. everything.

i have the worst memory of anyone you will ever meet.
so my computer basically held a huge part of my life in it. everything that i cant seem to keep in, or retrieve from my head.
it was THE resource i need to pursue my goals and dreams! art and music. its all in this one ridiculous piece of machinery.

i have to invest in quality things now. with backup.
add things to the top of list that i have been making for a long time.
i haven't ever bought the things i think i need to further my career goals, because i always just hope that i will have more money later. i think i just need to invest now that i am starting all over.
1. a new, big harddrive
2. a big external harddrive
3. a scanner
4. a microphone for recording
5. a quality camera

things i need to find for free or close to free:
1. a matress
2. a bunk bed
3. a dresser
4. a desk w/ lots of shelves
5. beddings
6. towels

things i need to figure out how to get back:
1. my own recorded music
2. all the music i listen to
3. adobe illustrator, photoshop, indesign
4. garage band

i need to try to remember all the illustrators, musicians, all the people i am most influenced and inspired by. i need to remember them for school right now, and for the future too.

i wish my memory actually existed outside of a computer's memory.
my life feels significantly drained.


Anonymous said...

i came across your blog while browsing blogs and japanese street fashion. so sorry for your loss.
the best of luck recreating some missing links.
this site is rich - http://www.style-arena.jp/index_e.htm and i hope it will help in the reconstruction. :)

the rumination reading room said...

thank you!

thats my favorite japanese street fashion site!!!