its official, really really official. i am really over "college life."

and by really i mean, i pretty much want nothing to do with any of it.

not that i haven't adored my years at SPU. oh goodness, no. i loved my time here. i loved the introverted points, and the intense extroverted sessions. but whew, i'm so over it.

i like just having a few close friends finally. during my time at SPU, i've been pretty outgoing extrovertedy and its been true to me at the time. but i am feeling especially settled in myself these days, and that person is a much more outwardly tamed down person than who i've been i guess. i would die if i had to go back to living on a floor of 30+ girls. i loved being an RA at the time. but i'm burnt out man. i would hate it now. i no longer want to stay up late socializing with a trillion people. i don't want to attend every single event on campus anymore. i don't really want to go to... any of them anymore. i have had my fill. and i think that this is all natural to just growing up and being a stable 22.

in addition to not feeling a part of the "college world" anymore, i also feel very disconnected from the post college world.
and by "post college world" i mean, the people who have graduated but are still into partying constantly. bleh. over it.
in addition addition, i have never, and will never really be into the bar scene. bleh bleh.
i have never been a fan of random pricks staring me up and down. no i do not want to talk to you mr sleezy. i do not like going out with the purpose of getting attention from people i dont know or care about.
i never was like this in the past, and never will be, thank God.
i've never been a big drinker. i am cautious and responsible. and i just don't like being irresponsible, immature in an unhealthy way, and dumb. well what i view as dumb is relative i guess. what is idiotic to me may be the only way to find fulfillment for other people.

basically, i feel my age.
i feel old.
but in a good way.
i feel free, but weighted with a good amount of responsibility.
i am silly and free spirited, passionate and goofy. but i do not like to be in the spotlight. i don't like flirting. i don't like heavy drinking. i don't like bar hopping. i don't like feeling like i am trying to prove myself.
i can be dumb, can't everyone? but i am ok with the dumb silly things i do because they aren't detrimental to my heart, mind, brain, soul, spirit, body, self confidence, self worth. they are just silly things.
i know what i love. i am driven, and i am excited for what lays ahead of me. i have so much to live for and it has nothing to do with the 20 something party world. phew.
well i guess the art world and music world can really revolve around the partying world too. but i don't give a shit about the party world. so i'll do what i do, and say fuck it to the rest.

all of this is spurting forth because i went, for about 20 mins, to a party where everyone dressed like they did in high school.
my purpose for going was solely because i just wanted to see what people wore. i wanted to see a little glimmer into their past.
but as soon as i got there, i just wanted to leave. i just hate most parties. and i realized, you know i would have never fit in with 90% of these people in high school. has anyone really changed anyway? perhaps not really. some yea, but most... mmmm i dont think so.
i realized, wow you know i feel pretty much the same except for i am not depressed and i am an adult now, and not a kid.
in high school i was passionate, silly, driven, bashful and caring.
i loved music and art.
i am still the same.
i was defensive and stubborn, and i battle against those things still.
i was shy, but always kind to everyone.
i knew barely anyone my freshman and sophomore year. but i was kind to everyone, so by the end of high school, i knew a lot of people.
i was "cultural diversity commissioner" on Student Council.
i was in the Free Tibet Club, Gay Straight Alliance, The Book Club, Key Club, 2 other Volunteer Work Clubs.
i sang in 3 choirs at school, one that had 60 performances a year, one met an hour before school everyday at 6:30am.
i was in a quartet singing group.
i was in a classical singing group with some of my friends outside of school that a huge performance at the end of my senior year that made $600 in just donations.
my high school choir won 1st in the World Music Festival in Austria. We toured Germany, Austria and Hungary.
i was into Feminism and Socialism.
i was sincere in my faith as a Christian.
i was obsessed with "indie/alternative/folk" music.
i was really into Art History, especially pop art.
i cared about the environment.
i loved animals.
i loved my sisters so much.
i was an idealist, a romantic.
i dressed really really quirky and didn't give a shit of what anyone thought of how i dressed.
i dyed my hair various colors and cut it a ton of different styles. long long, to shortest short.
i loved reading and daydreaming.
i loved making art.
i loved writing music.
i didn't let people's criticisms direct my life and my loves.
i tried to do what was true to me always.
i was sweet, but tough.
i was very independent.

i am the same.
i have grown up A LOT and fixed and worked on a lot of things. but really, i am just the same!

i am SO THANKFUL i can see stability in me in this way. i get scared sometimes that i am just not a stable person or something just because i am not ... i dont know. not, what is expected? i'm not conforming to what some may thing is normal or something like that?

i am thankful i don't need to fight as hard against stereotypes as i once did when i was in high school. i am thankful i can calm down a bit in that way. i feel like i will always need to fight to have my voice be heard, (fighting in the figurative sense. not literally.) but i am so thankful i don't feel like i need to prove anything to anyone. FREEDOM!

i have always had freedom. and i am glad i can look back and see that when i thought i was fighting to be free, i was actually just living out my rights while other people were just giving into the crowd.
i'm glad that when friends in high school would tease me for being the "crazy liberal" or "the artsy one" or "the christian prude", i would just say fuck it, in my head, and keep being true to who i was. who i am.
thank you God for your love, for the strength you give me, for the wings you spread over me, for the independence i find in you, for the joy i find in you. for everything. for the life i find in you. i owe you every breath.


Anonymous said...

I really appreciate this post. I too am feeling old and that I am totally done. I'm glad someone feels the same way as me!! ;)

Is it strange to want to grow up and just paint for myself??

118 said...

I like you