Sweet Face

wonderful Zeek made a beautiful slideshow of all the pictures Patrick Hickey took in his photobooth on his Mac before he passed away. 
 And watching this just makes my heart so warm.  He is such a sweetheart sassy kid.  


i am getting used to the fact that he died.  it's taking time.  but i'm learning to find comfort in the fact of it.  but at the same time, its like he is not gone at all.  at all, at all.
maybe the more i get used to him being gone, the more i feel him alive in everything?
the more i realize it, the less i feel like it is a reality.  i am not sure how to describe it.

when i finally started pulling my things out of boxes again to set up my studio, this past weekend, i found the picture/art piece i had made for Patrick when he went back home in the Spring.  I had mean't to send it to him before summer came, but i ended up just saving it when packing up and the end of school.  I thought, "oh i will just save it and send it to him in the Fall.  it will be nice for him to get a little reminder of us once we are all back at school and he is on his new journeys."
i can't send it to him now.  but i know he can see it.  for now, it will hang on my wall so i can think of him and smile at him.
it was kind of silly when i made it.  i realized i had barely any pictures of me with him.  i never take pictures, and i don't like being in front of the camera, so i just lack pictures with good friends it seems.  but this pictures was from when He, Booker, and I were in the school newspaper randomly.  We all thought it was pretty goofy, so i kept the newspaper clipping.  and i used it in this as kind of a memorial of our funny friendships for him to keep.  I guess now i will keep it and think of the silly times sweetly.


                macbooks united.

I wrote a song about Patrick.
I think i wrote a couple months ago about how i had a dream where Patrick came to visit me. I dreamt that i was swimming in a really rocky ocean and the water was really scary, but Patrick was swimming directly in front of me and was just smiling at me calmly.  I felt totally at peace as his eyes glowed bright blue.  So i just kept swimming forward, smiling and feeling so safe just following him.
Later this summer, I went to the beach with my Camp Staff and i was really intimidated to get in the water because there was a huge group of guys swimming out together.  I didn't want to run in because i just felt this stupid nervous fear of people judging me for jumping in the water.  I didn't want people to think i was going in because all the boys were in.  I wanted to do it for myself.  I finally did go in, and ended up swimming for like an hour, far far out in the ocean by myself.  it felt incredible and peaceful.  when i stepped back out onto the shore, i just had this sudden realization, connecting my life, the ocean, and my dream.
I realized that the whole dream was really metaphorical for my life.  Swimming alone far out in the ocean is my very favorite thing, and where i feel most at peace.  Its like life really.  Life is so rocky and unpredictable, but beautiful.  And i get scared so much, so frightened of what people make expect of me, or scared of how people may judge me falsely.  But i need to just be in it!  I need to just swim and soak it in, and trust that Patrick is there guiding me, and smiling.  

So here is a video of me singing the song:


He Visited Me in a Dream
(Patrick Hickey)

Friends of mine don't fear
our friend is hovering near
Friends of mine don't cry
Patrick's by our side

He's on all sides, on all sides, on all sides...

Friends of mine jump in
the water's cool on your skin
Patrick's swimming too
his eyes a bright shade of blue

He's on all sides, on all sides, on all sides...

The waves are rocky you see
but he's swimming in front of me
And if you're in here too
He'll guide with eyes of blue

He's on all sides, on all sides, on all sides...

If God's alive in me
and those who die are with the Trinity
Then he's alive in me too
no matter what I do

He's on all sides, on all sides, on all sides...


obsessed with moss said...

Great video, I'm sad he is gone too. Your voice is so good!

R said...

i remember when you played this song and many others in the yurt while i just layed on the couch. it was so peaceful. i love your music. it is such a gift to everyone who gets to hear and what a wonderful song for your friends.

the rumination reading room said...

<3 thanks both of ya.