what is wrong with 2008? car crash...

my first car crash.
fuck this.

how much more shit can go wrong in 2008.
i'm sure plenty more. but i'm sick of all this.

i was driving my friends car tonight, and was only a couple blocks from my house, and about to turn around and park at my friend's house to go to her halloween harry potter party, but while i was turning, and car fucking t-boned me.
i'm in shock. i'm spacey. i'm angry. i'm upset.
i feel so guilty for my friend whose car i was borrowing. i feel SO GUILTY. i am so sorry.
i just...
what is wrong with this year?

someone i love more than ANYONE in the world was abused in the most vile way.
and justice wasn't served.
one of my best friends died in a biking accident 2 day before i left for camp.
my room floods and i lose my bed.
my computer crashes and i lose so many comforts and necessities.

i don't even have a fucking bed yet, or a dresser, or a desk.
the only item in my house that i own is a tiny little side table.

fuck this.
i just took out out a 6,000 dollar loan because i have no fucking money and have to pay for school by myself.
i have to buy my own health insurance.
i just need to make it through school, through LIFE.
and now i am going to have to pay for more fucking shit that i can't afford.
lets dig a little deeper into the debt hole.

i am so angry.
why tonight.
why 2 days before the memorial service i am planning for Patrick.

my wonderful mentor is coming to visit from Santa Cruz tomorrow till Monday. i just wanted to have fun with her a feel free and relaxed and calm. i don't want more shit to deal with. i'm already going to fucking counseling once a week. i am growing and learning and fixing things and feeling more and more positive, proactive. and more shit always happens, always will happen. this is my luck.

i dont want to ever drive again.
i dont even have my own fucking car. i never have. never been able to afford it.
and now i fucking ruin my best friends car on halloween.


i have good friends. i have good friends. i know i am ok. i know i will be taken care of. its good that Sarah will be here this weekend to be here for me. i know i will be ok. i am strong. i am weak and will be protected. i am loved. i have God. i have God. i have God.
i am so upset.
but i have God.

God show me love, understanding, acceptance, and protection. bring me a shield. bring me warmth. bring me love.

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."
“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain”
-- c.s.lewis

my heart has pain. my mind has pain. my ego has pain. my being has pain.
but i'm not stained.

i need a fucking hug. and a shoulder to lean on.


Rachel.d.Hurley said...

I am continually praying for you and so are so many people here. I believe God will step in soon and turn this all around. I love you!

blazedanielle said...

Oh dear. I am soo sorry for all these crazy things. Trust in the Lord through the good and the bad!

I am praying for you!!! And I will always be there to talk!!