9.12.08

Nightmareland

I have extremely vivid dreams that haunt me long after i wake up.
I have nightmares pretty often.

I had one of the most fright inducing dreams of my life last night. it hit me in so many sore spots. fear of being taken advantage of. fear of being ignored, uncared for, unwanted, neglected. fear of the safety of my inner self. fear of the safety of my outer self. fear of having no control.
It was so disturbing.
I had gone to bed in a really good mood around two, and woke up suddenly very early.

What scared me about this dream is that something so disturbing and sad happened, but then life just kept going on, and no one cared. in the moment, the people who should have cared the most didn't even blink an eye. and after the fact, they just went on with their own worlds, and ignored the whole thing.

I woke up so scared. I sometimes get really frightened when i wake up from these intense nightmares, because it takes me a long time to shake the fact that it was just a dream. It didn't actually happen.
I have to lay in my bed for a long time and deliberate as to why it was not real. I get so scared that maybe the events in my dreams are just suppressed memories. This one couldn't have been real in my life.
But what hurts my heart is that it is real in the life of someone i love more than life itself.

The memory of my loved one's sad story haunts me everyday. I think about it often and it breaks my heart over and over and over. Life can be so wretched sometimes. And each event effects the future. There is so much beauty, but there is still so much pain and suffering.
I thank God for the life he gives to the ones i love, for the life he has given to me. And i thank him that he can heal us from the traumatic experiences of our pasts.

But i really doubt i will ever be freed from the guilt of not being able to save someone in their time of need. I helped heal in the aftermath, but i couldn't prevent it.

I think my dream, though it was about me, was really about how i feel helpless in the pains of ones i love. the darkest pains.

God, let me rest well tonight and free me from the guilt that isn't even mine to bear.

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