1.1.09

bye bye 2008

well 2008 was a pretty damn difficult year.
kind of glad its over.

2009 is here.
and my first conversation of 2009 was... rough. sigh.

but God, i'm just keeping faith that things are going to be ok this year. i survived last year. i can handle the coming year.

pain release from 2008:
i've already experienced my deepest fears.
the worst thing happened to the one i love as if she were my own child. i felt like i died a little.
a pattern of continual loss in the spring, knowing that someone else horrible was going to happen.
and then one of my best friends died. another part of me died a little.
all of my best friends went through the pain with me, and separately from me. we all are still grieving. some are better than others.
i faced so much rejection in the spring that i was absolutely determined that i would never ever date or marry. i was pretty much set in believing i was meant to be single forever.
a lot of friends and family had brushes with death, with cancer, with breaks, tears, and strains.
i lost my bed, my room in a flood of sewage water.
my computer crashed and i couldn't recover anything.
i lost all comforts this past year.
i hurt a lot this past year.

and where would i be without God?
so empty.

God, what would i have done if i didn't trust in you this past year? I have never been so angry at you as i was in the past year. But you still love me, you still forgive me, you still comfort me while i kick and scream.

you still showed me such beautiful things amid all the loss.
you showed me...
i can make it through even my deepest fears.
the ones i love can still make it through my deepest fears.
resiliance in the people whose hearts quiver and tear the most.
you showed me that the weight is not on my own shoulders, its all on you.
how can i ever thank you?
you have pushed me to keep going when i felt like i literally could not get up.
you were there holding me when i collapsed, getting the two worst phone calls of my life. i was alone with no person around me, and you showed up.
you gave me words to speak when i felt like i had nothing to say, no way to reach out.
you gave me mentors in Sarah and Eric, words of wisdom, comfort, sincerity and ease, simple listening ears and examples to follow.
you gave me kids to take care of and who inspired and gave me strength to keep going during the summer.
you gave me a retreat, and home, a refuge this summer in camp hammer.
you fueled my inspiration.
you showed me love when i felt i was unable to receive it.
you softened me.
you healed me.
you gave me such good friends.
thank you for the friendship of Alex and Justin in the spring time. my friends, my brothers, my family. what would i have done this year without them? they kept me motivated when i wanted to just go to sleep forever. they pushed me in my art making, in my physical strength with rock climbing, in my mental and spiritual growth. they have been two of the most inspiring people i have ever known.
thank you for the friendship of Katie and Anne this fall. my friends, my sisters, my family.
what would i have done without these girls these past few months especially? i cant even express the love i have for them. they have loved me, supported me, inspired me, pushed me on just by their sincerity of heart. their care and understanding.
thank you for the friendship of so many people at camp hammer this year. thank you for showing me that i am worth being pursed as a friend.
thank you for showing me a man who thinks deeply, feels deeply, and seeks to learn and grow. who is always in conversation with you, even when it hurts.
thank you for showing me my value is not found in what i do, but in the sincerity of my heart and my thoughts, my intentions.
thank you for showing me how to live without reliance on the material things.
i can and will always lose things, but you will always be there.

2008 was so hard.
but one thing i never lost, and never will lose is God.
thank you God.
thank you God.
thank you God.
i am nothing without you. my life is so obviously yours. i can do nothing without you.

2 comments:

Schlaeps said...

You are an incredible person and I am ernestly praying that 2009 is a wonderful year for you.

Proffitteer said...

love love love :)