5.1.09

Long Beach

man, i have such mixed emotions about everything right now.
so many good emotions, and so many frustrated and annoyed emotions, sad emotions, the whole lot.

i am in Long Beach, CA.
i had planned on staying here from Dec 30th till January 18th, originally.
i needed to be back in Seattle by the 20th-ish so that i could see the whole Swanson Dexel family and Camp Hammer crew when they visited Seattle to recruit.
but now i have to get my wisdom teeth out. uhg.
and the earliest appointment dates i could get were f0r January 27th for the dentist, and the the 29th for the orthodontist, and then February 8th for my wisdom teeth to get the big yank out.
i'll need at least 5 days to recover.
so looks like i am stuck in California till February 15th-ish.

AH!!!!

that reaaaaaaally stresses me out for these reasons:
1. i do NOT like letting down people who rely on me. in this case it is the family i work for as their nanny in Seattle. i adore them. and i told them i would be back around Jan 18th. now that is postponed a month! i feel so bad.
2. i really hate not feeling like i am set in a structured atmosphere for my work on my art. its hard for me to really get down to business with art workings when i am feeling constantly in transition.
3. i really really really miss my friends in Seattle. really! i mis my roomies. and i miss all my friends so much. SO much.
4. i cant do all my senior art show planning with the Blaze and Matt in person. it all will ave to be via phone or internet for the next month and a half. this HARD for me as a visual learner/processor.
5. i can't start another job or internship for another month and a half. NO MONEY! ahhhh! freak me out.
6. its not very safe here. i can't walk outside alone at night. i can't even walk outside for very far or long because its pretty dangerous here. so weird.

bot the good things about being down here longer:
1. i get to spend person to person time with my boyfriend. yep everyone, i'm finally sayin' it via blog world. i wont go deep into it on here because some parts of life need to stay private private. but he does live down here, so being here is so great, getting to spend time with him! lalala. he has been my best friend for quite some time now. and its wonderful to just get to spend quality time with him. woo!
2. i get to spend a lot of time with my grandparents who i adore.
3. i get a lot of alone time to focus and think.
4. i get a lot of time to just focus on myself and get myself healthy and structured when it comes to sleep, eating, working, scheduling, all things good.
5. i get to see a few friends i haven't seen in awhile like Jon from camp and Steven, my best friend from my freshman year at Redlands.
6. i get a bit more sunshine than Seattle. plus it is way way warmer here that Seattle. but everyone here thinks it is cold. BAH, they don't even know what cold is.
7. i get to go to the beach and watch the ocean and feel the sand.

sigh...
so there is good and bad. and i am stressed. but i am happy as well. this is life. this is growing up. always being a little bit torn in different directions. but i am learning, i am growing, and i feel myself maturing. i get stressed, and annoyed about some changes. but the changes are really good for me to learn from and just BE in.


also, i just got an email from my friend Erin who is moving to New York in the fall. and she invited me to come live with her, our friend Jess, and a couple of their friends. OH SNAP!!!! another huge change to think about.
it could be so good for me, with art, cultural influences, access to so many new avenues for art and schooling. but its pretty damn scary to think about too. i'll be praying about it. thats for sure. and i would miss my Seattle friends so much.
man, i am growing up. there is so much to think about. but its so good for me. i feel my age.

well, its getting dark outside. i need to walk over to my grandparents before the sun has totally set. i don't want to get beat up by scary SoCal people on the street. guh.

be praying for me that i can sort out all these thoughts! phew. tiring. i miss you my friends!

1 comment:

Murphy said...

oh man that is SO MUCH to deal
with in such a short span of time
I'm praying for you
and I know God will bring you peace
so you can just be.
love you and miss you!