hi.my back hurts. the seats on the plane really put my back in a weird position.
listen to this while you read.
listen to this while you read.
maybe it was just a combination of all types of heavy feelings, physical, emotional...
well i am back in my hometown. i flew home today. the drop off at the airport was hard. if you are reading this curtis, yes, i went and cried in the bathroom a little. you probably guessed that. the hours and days leading up to my flight have been a little weighty on my emotions. oh well. i'd rather feel than not feel. i am human. and with the little weepy moments, i feel huge waves of joy and gratefulness. its the beautiful rattling of my heart, by being overcome with thankfulness, that makes salty tears fall from my eyes.
it is strange being at this point in life where there is no set one place that i am supposed to be, want to be, obligated to be. i have copious reasons for being lots of places. and i love lots of locations. and i love lots of people in lots of locations. i can easily miss lots of places just about every second really. but rather, i'm learning to just appreciate where i am at, and praise God for the things that are worth missing.
i have so many things i can miss! thats kind of a really beautiful thing i think. i have so many things to think fondly of, to appreciate, to praise God for, to celebrate, to revel in, to joyfully daydream about.
some things just straight up suck. like really painful backs, flights that shoot you far away from your sweetheart and incredible grandparents, and not being able to eat chocolate peanut butter ice cream because you could get salmonella.
but these are moments in time. pains that come and go. its a choice to dwell in things that could really hurt a lot. and it is a choice to instead focus on the root of sadness and work on turning it to joy.
why does my back hurt: the plane chairs sucked, my emotions effect my body, my front side is heavier than my back side.
but... i have my nice warm cozy bed to lay on tonight, i can dream about people i adore who are far from me, and i'd rather have curves than look like a twig like when i was younger.
i cant eat peanut butter chocolate ice cream: thank some stupid peanut butter factory for that one.
but... i probably shouldn't be eating so many sweets anyway. and when chocolate peanut butter and i are once more reunited at some point in the future, ooh baby we gunna have so much fun togetha. mmmmhm.
i'll miss my grandparents: they are incredible and inspiring and so kind and so sweet and i adore them. pretty much worship them.
therefore... i shouldn't get sad. i should just appreciate them while they are still here. i should savor each moment i talk to them or see them. time capsule their lives in observation. you never know when you could lose somebody dear to you.
i'll miss my beautiful bf: i can't express all the words of adoration.
therefore... i'm just happy i get to be in his life! whether i am so close i can squeeze him tight, or i am far away enough to write letters that have to be delivered by plane and boat, i'm just so happy he is alive.
its the beautiful lives that i get to experience and capsulate in my memory bank, as small as it is, that make me cry. i'm not crying because i am a wimpy baby and can't live without this or that or him or her. i am crying because i am just overcome with gratefulness for the persons and things that i get to be in life with.
thank you God for what i have AND don't have. distance makes my heart grow so much fonder for so many people, places and things.
(ps. the animal collective concert got postponed. the date has yet to be determined as to when they shall play again. unfortunately i now have an $80 ticket, actually worth $40, that i bought from a scalper that i can't get fully reimbursed for. and i will be in Seattle during whenever they reschedule the concert in LA. hopefully... i can make a large amount of money to fly myself down to see them, and appreciate LA and those people in it as well, sometime in the coming months.)