when you are stuck in bed and feeling totally miserable and a bit pathetic, where does your mind wander off to?
i got my wisdom teeth out 3 days ago and today is probably the worst pain i have been in so far. i feel the pain medication growing thicker and then fading out. its a weird feeling. i just get waves of nausea, then my head feels heavy and floppy, and then my jaw hurts again, then my shoulders feel tense then my eyes go a little blurry and i want to go to sleep.
my hands are even feeling heavy as i type, and everything i am thinking/saying doesn't feel like its making total sense.
Allie darling has noticed the ridiculousness that has spurted forth because of the pain medication i am on. obviously i am not totally aware of what rants and weird mind wanderings i am going on in my emails/posts/notes/whatever. bleh. i feel horrible.
and the main things on my mind right now are: uhg, i just want clean teeth, i want to eat a fatty huge turkey sandwich, i want to feel fresh and clean and dress up real pretty (because i am feeling soooo grubby gross right now.) i want to work really hard on my art and i want to snuggle up and watch a documentary at the end of an accomplished day. i want to feel clean and fresh. i want to do my hair and make up and put on nice clothes. i find that if i put a little more effort into the exterior presentation of me, i feel more proud of the interior me because i am using the outside as a reflection of the inside. i dont particularly like taking the time to look nice on the outside. i'm actually pretty lazy about the whole "getting ready" in the morning thing. i don't care if people judge my exterior. but for me, i know that i feel better about myself when i can see results of investing in myself. does that make sense?
it is good to not be self indulgent, but its important to respect yourself, your mind, your body, all that you are. and right now i feel like i don't have the energy, the ability to take care of myself. and it is so frustrating for me. i want to make food and eat it, but i cant. i feel so weak, and i cant chew. i want to clean up and get out of the house. but i cant.
i like taking care of myself. but i can't right now. i hope i never have to have any form of surgery ever again. i don't like having to be waited on like a whiny little princess. i just want to do everything for myself ha.
my first sentence, by the way, was "ME HELP ME!"
i like being independent. but uhg, i do need help sometimes. especially right now. i just wish i could clean/doll myself up a bit without feeling like im about to pass out!
apologies if none of this made sense. the meds are really kickin in, and i'm just feeling stuck and needing to vent. even if the venting makes no logical sense.