Will you say a little prayer for me? I'll explain a little further starting in paragraph 3.
(this is a long long one, you don't have to read if you don't want to!)
I haven't been blogging very much lately for various reasons: work being the main reason. I am trying to work as much as i can on my art for my art show coming up in a month. I have barely anytime and so much to do. And i am trying to work work, make a little money, as much as i possibly can. I am a nanny. Its the best money making job i can find right now and the family i work for is just an amazing bundle of people.
I am extremely happy with my life right now in every way except for the whole money thing. I can't imagine how the greater U.S.A. is feeling right now. There are no jobs. I wish i had all the money in the world to give away to every person who needs it.
I could just cry. Ok i just did cry. Money makes me so sad. No, the fear of what i will lose, and who i will unintentionally screw over because of my inability to PAY just breaks me heart and makes me so sad. guilt.
Right now i have a total of... no money. no money. the numbers sitting in the bank account are not mine because i owe it all to various people and places. The money i work hard at making through nannying and jewelry making and whatever other means i can find isn't mine. As soon as i get paid for anything i think immediately, "ok who can i pay back now."
had to pay Katie for the damages to her car because of the car crash i was in while driving her car. really important to pay that one. and of course i need to pay rent, which i can't even do right now.
I feel so guilty. I owe my roommate almost $1000 for rent for the 2 months that i was away. I never wanted to be away that long, but i had to because of my stupid wisdom teeth removal. I knew if i was gone that long, i would be losing a huge amount of money. I haven't been able to work for 2 months. That is SO much time that i can't regain. I don't have enough money right now to pay my gracious and so so kind roommate back and i feel so awful about it. I don't even know how many hours a day i think about it.
If i had just stayed in Seattle and worked a lot during those 2 months, i would not be in this hole. But i needed to be in other places and I can't regret those choices.
On top of that $1000, I need to pay the school about $2000 for this last quarter of school. Thank the Lord i was able to get some scholarships, grants, and loans to pay for the rest. But I am still so freaked out.
I feel SO BAD asking anyone for help, and I just can't handle taking out another loan. But today i got up the courage to call my grandparents to ask if maybe they could help me out, or if i could borrow some money from them and pay them back as soon as i can.
...i couldn't say it though. I heard their sweet voices and my heart broke. I couldn't ask them. I started crying but kept it quite so they wouldn't hear me. Uhg. I just chatted with them about life and then the conversation ended. i just feel so guilty. I love them as much as life itself.
I desperately need help with money, but so does everyone right now. Well everyone around me seems to be doing fine. Man, a lot of my friends are just really blessed! Good jobs, rich parents, and great work ethics. I'm really glad that all my friends are doing just fine economically. They really really don't need any more burdens right now. Everyone has a lot to handle right with school and just a lot of heart and soul pains. I hope i can take care of everyone right now. I can't do anything financially, but i will most certainly do whatever else they need.
But for myself, I am really scared. I am in a boat with a lot of average American's right now. Not enough money to live the lives we have worked hard for.
All i want is to live in Seattle with my friends, finish my last quarter of school, and eat and sleep. That's all i want. I haven't bought any clothes for myself since June. I just bought a pair of $25 shoes during the summer, and a $20 shirt in Feb to replace one of my favorites that i've been wearing for 5 years. I don't plan on buying any clothes or accessories for at least another... 6 months. Well yea probably until September actually. That will be over a year and only having bough a total of $45 dollars with of clothing... 2 things. I am proud of myself for that. I love fashion, but i really don't need to buy anything.
I don't want anything. I really don't. I don't feel like i am entitled to "having" any "thing." I just want to be able to stay in my house, and go to school, and eat and sleep. I am anemic and i really need to eat well or i just feel so miserable and i can get sick really quickly. I can't just eat top ramen or emtpy foods everyday. I would literally die. My body cant take that. Your body's health is an investment, and i will scrimp and save all i can as long as it is healthy.
I think i'm going to start selling some of my stuff. One thing that i realized when my room flooded and i lost my bed and a lot of my favorite things were ruined, and my comp crashed, and with Patrick H's death, I think i really found what i survive on. I will be ok if i just have the basic neccesities. I just need a place to lay my head, food for me to eat, the clothes i already have to wear, and an artistic outlet, and LOVE and GOD. I'll be ok with just those things. I can be happy with just those things.
I have lots of really great books. I can sell those. I love having them, but i don't need them all. I can just keep a few favorite. I have a lot of pretty clothes, I can sell some.
I would try to sell more art right now, but i don't have time to make more art on top of the art im making for my senior show. And i've sold some jewelry, so praise God for that.
I am really joyful right now for all the wonderful relationships I have, beautiful boyfriend, beautiful family, beautiful friends, for art, and music. I am so thankful for what I have. But i just am really scared too. And pretty desperate for money, to the point that it makes me want to cry... all the time.
GOD i need your help so bad. It is so hard for me to rely on your for resources for money. It is so hard for me, so hard. I only just recently realized this. I feel like i already learned this lesson last quarter. But i so easily forget. You provided when i was in desperate need. You don't need to prove anything to me, because you always show me love. I will always have reasons to be scared, and I am thankful for that constant awareness. I have comfort and love. Please please help me to just stay where I am at. I don't want anything more. I will give up whatever I need to give up to just stay in my house and finish my last quarter of school. Please God help me.