Here's the Problem

I once made this for a man I cared deeply for.
I still really like it, and still feel that the words are true.
this is just a scan of it in process.

I really want to make everything. To give away, to sell, to just make because I feel like I was made to make. I want to make everything!


I feel like my soul swirls in the space between "There is nothing new under the sun" and "Creation: ex nihilo". Shouldn't everyone feel like they revolve in the space between? I guess, maybe if they choose to believe in similar things as me. If not, then...no.
I know that I was created to create. I choose to believe that... no, it goes beyond choice now. I really feel deep in my essence that I was created by something greater than me. I believe in God. (don't worry folks, I also believe in evolution too. I think God creates through process too. more opinions on that to come in time. Those sentences are packed with words that require extensive discussion.) Anyway, I believe in God. and I choose to seek Him out through Christianity. Sometimes my heart is completely broken and saddened by people who call themselves Christians, believing in some similar things as me, but also believing in somethings that my heart could never ever agree or reconcile with.
Anyway, I believe in God. I believe He is the ultimate Creator and Artist.
He is so many things, but for me, these two aspects of self are what inspire me most in my faith. He says that there is nothing new under the sun. And he creates "ex nihilo" which means out of nothing.
The ways that I see God most deeply in my life are through communing with him through my own creations. I love to create more than anything. I love making things, cultivating things, changing things, using innovation, inspiration, altering things. From tubes of oil paint I love to mix color on a slab of wood, eventually revealing an image of something I worked hard to create. I don't just use my hands, or my mind. My heart, and my whole being in a part of the process too. The work towards revealing the unseen.
I paint, I draw, I photograph, I cut hair, I sing, I write music, I write poetry, I make jewelry, I make clothes, I design, I illustrate, I make art. I create. I was created, and I was made to create.

I can't not create. And I can't just make ONE thing. I can't even just do two or three things. I absolutely love creating in as many ways as I can figure out how to do. I really am an artist, I see it finally. All things can become art if you let it. Today I made food, I made buttons, I created color and design combination with clothing choices. I pieced together ideas to create something new. All things are made new, yet nothing is new under the sun. God is so mysterious. I was created to live in this dichotomy. All things, the visible and invisible, are new but not new. I love this. Thank you Lord for placing me in a life that is in constant limbo. Thank you for placing me in a mind/essence/body combo (philosophically I need to explain my thoughts on that more... sorry, now is not the time) that LOVES the limbo of all things, the new and un-new, the seen and un-seen, the believable and un-believable, the real and un-real. What things are true? How will I ever know any of these truths?

All I can do is create. To take what is here for me to use, the see it as its own beauty, value what I have, then transform it into something new. I want to create something out of nothing while using something un-new to create the new. I know that probably makes no sense, but I feel like maybe some artist's could understand that. It doesn't just apply to visual art. I think it applies to the literary arts, musical arts, gosh even sciences and math. All things can be used to make the new. and it can all be art in some form.

I am in continually varying states of nothing new under the sun, yet I am constantly being made new, changed, formed. Each moment is new to me, but I am sure that varying people through out time and throughout the world have experienced seconds of life that are the same as a few of my seconds. We are the same, but we are each unique and completely different. We relate, and yet are set apart from one another. We are nothing special, and yet we are continually being transformed.

I want to live a life where the constant renewal of self is ever reflected in the things I create, whether it merely appears in the shadows of my mind, never to apparate into the world of touch, taste, feel, smell, see, or if it reveals parts of itself in the sensory world in which we inhabit. God, just let me create for as long as I live. Please let me hold on to this incredible freedom to not only release through all forms of art, but to celebrate the known and unknown, the seen and unseen, through art. Please help me to see how I can live off of and more importantly through what I create. God, I just want to make. Please, beyond any other form of freedom, just let me be free to create. Let my life be overtaken by the glory of creation. Help me to love most deeply through the things I am, through the things I seek, through the things i do and don't understand. I want to love in and through all that is confusing, all that is mysterious and all that is simple.

I am constantly on the edge of my seat ready to create SOMETHING. God, please just let me be able to live off of what I love. I don't need much. Just let me live to create for you and through. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." philippians 4:13 There are lots of things that I do not feel driven to do or to be. I am not created to be most things, to do most things. I am not great at most things. But I know that I am made to create. So in this, in innovation and creation, Lord, please give me strength and let me do and be what you want me to be. I cannot always understand why certain things happen, why I am the way I am, why I have the hard flaws and faults that I live with everyday. But please give me life long encouragement to see the good in me and to pursue that which I am meant to pursue. I just want to create. Help me when I am scared to do so. Help me when I fear I can't live off of what I love. Help me to choose to do what I love, even when I can barely live off of what I earn. Just help me to live. Direct me in abstract and practical ways. When I cannot provide for my own self, direct me in ways that can help me do so. Help me Lord. I will always lean on you. And I will always rejoice in what you have given me. Thank you for letting me learn how to love most deeply through seeking to understand your creation, and for letting me make a little tiny bit of art in this big big world too.

I love art making so much. And I love the Lord that loves it even more than me.


The Sky Is Crying, The Sun Is Shining said...

Né così bello il sol già mai levarsi
quando 'l ciel fosse piú de nebbia scarco,
né dopo pioggia vidi 'l celeste arco
per l'aere in color' tanti varïarsi,

in quanti fiammeggiando trasformarsi,
nel dí ch'io presi l'amoroso incarco,
quel viso al quale, et son nel mio dir parco,
nulla cosa mortal pote aguagliarsi.

I' vidi Amor che ' begli occhi volgea
soave sí, ch'ogni altra vista oscura
da indi in qua m'incominciò apparere.

Segnuccio, i' 'l vidi, et l'arco che tendea,
tal che mia vita poi non fu secura,
et è sí vaga ancor del rivedere.

here's the translation: http://petrarch.petersadlon.com/canzoniere.html?poem=144

Anonymous said...

You can't make EVERYTHING. That's the job of the Chinese. Angus Ogg.