11.7.09

Sleep Please

rambling...

I am so sleepy. I fear I really really won't be posting much in the coming 2 weeks. I will be nannying 10 hours a day M-F for 2 weeks. So thats 50 hours of nannying, plus they have 2 puppies. I am already exhausted from doing 35 hours last week and 30 this week. Its been good for the most part. They get in foul moods sometimes, but they are cute overall. It's just really really tiring basically being a mom when they aren't your own children, you know?

And man, nannying pays SO WELL. But at the same time, the more I nanny, the less I want children. I may be wasting my parenting on kids who are not my own. I'll be burnt out before I even think about having kids. My parents really want to be grandparents, so it looks like I gotta pop out some little ones at some point along my life. But it's not happening anytime soon.

Also, I realized this week that I really am so thankful I am single. I really love being single. I love being alone. I don't particularly like attention. I rarely get attention from boys, and though I have felt bitter about it, this week I am realizing that I'd actually rather not have any attention from boys right now anyway. It feels like a waste. I can't give someone enough of me if they really wanted me right now. I am too busy. I don't even have enough time for myself. It feels really good to be so busy. But there is still so much more I want to be doing. And doing alone.

the phrase I seemed repeat the most as a kid/teenager was "I just want to be ALONE!" and as a baby/little kid was "Me help me!" I love my independence. I love my freedom. I don't want to be attached to anyone right now otehr than my friends. I feel really lucky to recognize that I have a lot of really great friends. I just want to invest in what I have.

As for dating, I know that I want to get married someday. No, actually that is false. I kind of feel like I would like to be married someday. But not so much because I want someone right now, but more like, when literally every single person I know right now finally does get married and I am the last single person left, then I'll probably want to get married just because I'll have no one left to relate to. But anyway, as for dating, I don't want to be a part of that business right now. I want to go to grad school in two years, and that means I'll probably move far away. Why start a relationship when it could end up being ruined by distance and known future conflict? I guess if you find someone who is somehow completely perfect for you, then it's worth the shit of it. Right now though, the down sides of dating really are SO unappealing and I'd really just prefer to be on my own. I really feel happy about it, and I feel like God is happy about it too. I think he sees that I am confident in who I am these days and attention from boys has nothing to do with it. At least right now ha...err... I am happy with my busy life, with my friends, with where I am and the little I have. It is just right.

Well, I'd like a little more alone time. But I'll be ok. When I explode from not enough introvert time, I'll let ya know.

Ok, I get to finally sleep in tomorrow. Praise the Lord. I have to soak it up while I can. Though I have been having a hard time sleeping lately. And I had a rough dream last night. And on weekends I have still be waking up at the same times as week days, without an alarm. oof. God, lets me rest deep and long tomorrow please?

Sleep well sweeties.

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