How to Feel

how do kitties always know when you are feeling blue?
this is Betty. She's tiny, she pees on everything, she's an anorexic cat, but she is comforting.

she's been laying on my lap all weekend.

I am not sure how I feel today. Awful? No. Dreary, Sad, Sympathetic, Confused, Numb, Empathetic, Introverted, Introspective, Reclusive, Withdrawn, Blue, Gloomy, Somber, Melancholy.


An old friend from high school passed away in a car accident on Thursday. I haven't cried. Not because I don't want to. I think I just feel like I would be stealing tears that are not mine to shed. I haven't talked to him in a long time and so I feel like I am not allowed to feel sad. I feel like I am not allowed to feel sad because there are people who are much closer to him who are so heartbroken and distraught right now. I feel out of place. I feel like if I cry then I am being selfish. What good does crying do for someone who hasn't seen an old friend in years?

I think what makes it feel especially numbing is that the last time I remember seeing him in person was at another one of our friends funerals 3 years ago. C. was one of the sweetest girls I have ever met. By changing seats in the car she was riding in right before they were hit, she basically saved the life of a new mother and unborn child. It breaks my heart.
And now D. He also was one of the most genuine and friendly people I have ever met. The warmth of the community of my hometown, ah, there is nothing so sweet. The people from home are so gentle and warm but also so vibrant and alive. Uhg. alive. Both of these people, when they were alive they were truly ALIVE. So many people pass through their lives not truly living, just floating along without passion and vivaciousness. Both C. and D. lived. They were lovely people with lovely spirits. It makes me so sad to know they are gone forever. D, I know you will be missed by so many.

When and old friend passes it just tosses my head and my heart for an extra whirl. It brings up guilt that I did not continue to pursue their friendship over time and distance. It brings up guilt that I didn't pursue friendship harder with those who were in a mutual friend group. People who I genuinely still deeply care about but who rarely talk to begin to show up in my life again when a friend dies because of our mutual loss. But I feel so guilty under the circumstances. Not many words can be passed between us. I feel rude. I want to talk more about how they are doing, what is new, what has changed, but it all feels frivolous when what has brought us back together is the death of a friend.

Melancholy and guilt. No freedom to cry or really speak about it because I don't feel like I am worthy enough to call the friend who has passed my friend. It has been so long. He made a lasting impact on my life, but I feel like my mouth has been taped shut, my mind frozen in time, my heart constrained in its pumping within a tight locked metal cage.

Am I allowed to mourn when I have grown so distanced from him and from so many other friends through time and through space? I feel rude, I cannot speak, I cannot truly experience loss in this moment in time. I feel like I'm just hanging in space not knowing where I am supposed to be.

I am so homesick. I really just want to go home. I've been homesick for quite sometime. And more and more things keep reminding me of why I cherish every time that I get to be there for a few days.

I can say that for some reason, singing this song with my friend P. really brings me a lot of comfort.

And watching this film always makes me feel safe, calm, comforted, happily by myself in the Northwest.


I_Might_Be_Wrong said...

lovely vids
and your cat sounds adorable
I hope you feel better my friend
very sorry to hear about your friend
that's so sad *hugs*
don't blame yourself or feel rude for crying or guilty *hugs*
we all grow up and grow distant with friends but we never forget and they never forget the lovely, fun and nice moments and i'm sure your friend won't have forgotten


T.Allen-Mercado said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand the guilt you speak of, having been there myself. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Allow yourself to grieve inclusively, for the loss of life, the loss of communication and, accept that with each loss comes some gain. What can you do today to make a difference tomorrow based on yesterdays teachings? I wish you peace.

Lilee said...

nice blog.

Inside the Cabinet of Wonder said...

i am sorry for your loss. things will get easier..but i know its hard at the moment.