30.8.09

A Question for Wives, Partners, Lovers, Companions, Husbands and So on


I am feeling sad today. I think it is a good kind of sad, and sad that is bubbling up in my quivering heart because I am recognizing things I need to maybe change, or at least think harder about. Seeing a boy and girl on the bus home from church, the boy so obviously interested in her every word, made me want to cry out of happiness for them and also made me want to cry out of heartache for myself.

I am feeling sad about marriage, relationships, love and such. And for you wives and partners, for those in healthy relationships, I ask for your aid in giving me a little advice, encouragement, notes of wisdom. For those who are loved and in love with another:

I went to church today. I felt a really big pull just to get there today. But first I got the times wrong on the bus. Then I barely just missed the next bus that came. I then checked the bus times again and the next set of buses that would get me to church would get me there an hour late. Uhg. I next looked up the buses to other churches around Seattle, all of which I would be too late to the next service. I felt really upset and frustrated. I asked my roommates if I could borrow their cars, but everyone was using theirs. But luckily, 10 mins before my church, Grace Seattle, started, my roomie Carissa said she could drop me off if I took the bus back. Yay Carissa. Thank you.

Today's sermon was on Philippians 2:12-18. you can listen here.
Our pastor focused a lot on how prayer should look, without grumbling and with clarity, focus and a true declaration of need for God's help.
You know what I realized? I really haven't been letting myself NEED God lately. I haven't been letting myself need anyone at all lately actually. John Harrilson, the head pastor, briefly mentioned how people are really made to need each other in commitment. Adam and Eve and all that jazz. And when I really thought about that, really letting myself need God and letting myself need a partner, companion, lover, mate, what have you, I wanted to cry. It hurt to think about.
I know God loves me. And I do love Him. I know He has done even the hardest most tragic thing in letting His son die for me, and still it is so hard for me to be completely honest with Him. I know I am transparent to Him and so I don't actually declare my real needs to Him. I expect Him to try to just figure it out on His own while I just stay complacent and not totally fulfilled in my truest needs. What the heck am I thinking?
A healthy relationship isn't one where one person has to guess at the needs of the other who is quite, complacent, acts satisfied when really they are not in their deepest heart of hearts.
Maybe this is why none of my relationships last. I am passive in my relationship with God and I am passive in my relationship with a man.

Uhg. I don't understand myself sometimes. I am so damn stubborn and fickle and I am opinionated and truest true to myself in my friendships and those sorts of relationships. But with God and with a partner I hide my needs for fear that they may sound demanding. I don't want to be a bitch to God, and I don't want to be a bitch to a man. I am fearful in the wrong way. I am weak in ways that I didn't recognize before. How foolish. But how thankful am I now that I see the silliness I have been living out.

I need to be honest with God. I am passionate in my friendships, I am passionate in my goals, in my work, in my art. But I do not let my head steam, I don't let my emotions get completely riled up with God in a way that may be good, but I deem as being angry or dramatic. The same goes for romantic relationships. I am conflict avoidant because I love them and I don't want to hurt them. If I truly loved and I truly understand the depth of love, I would not be afraid of hurting them. I would trust in love. I need to trust in God's love and understanding, that he sees past the anger that can sometimes bubble up with my cries of need. I need to just release it all to Him and He will be able to distinguish what I am saying when I try my best to be clear and forward, honest.

I haven't been in love in so very long. In the past 3 years, I have only had one very short, long distance relationship that never even got near love. I never felt loved, or even really liked all that much. During the relationship, he never even liked me as anything more than a friend. I forget what it feels like to be loved. I forget what it feels like to have someone interested in you. I forget what it feels like to be cherished, protected, honored, respected, valued, held as something distinct, unique, special. In my phone, I sometimes jot down a sentance I have been ruminating on while at a bus stop or walking or whatever. Here is a line I wrote down maybe 6 months ago:

"I deserve to be protected not indulged."

I look at it now and see, wow, why have I not been thinking about this more. I need a relationship that reflects my relationship with God in this way. This is exactly IT. God will always always protect me. He made that promise. Whatever I say, he will not indulge me. He will always choose to do what is best even if I don't see it that way. And in a romantic relationship, really in any and every relationship, I need this too. I am so stubborn. But I do not desrve to be indulged. That is not true love, Indulgence. Protection, that is true love. Loyalty and Honesty. I need someone who will not indugle me, but who will protect me. And I need to do the same for someone. Not indugle in them for fear of saying what I truly think, for fear of hurting them. They deserve Honesty, Loyalty in truth, Protection as God protects. Even when it hurts.

How blind I can be. God, I will be honest to you now. I am stubborn. I can be fine being alone. I can be mostly happy on my own. I have loving friends. But God, I do need a companion. I need to grow up. I need to love you fully. I need to learn to love another fully, in the way you love me. Help me to learn your love. Help me to learn to love another again, but fully this time. Help me to feel your love, through you, and through another. Help me to break down my thick brick wall. Help me to be truthful and not scared of accidentally hurting someone I love. It isn't honorable though sometimes I trick myself into thinking it is. I need love God. I need honest real loyal passionate sincere love from you and from a man. I am independant and I can make due and be pretty happy on my own. But in truth, I do need the depth of love that can only be found in a faitful deep relationship with a partner.

I feel sad. Its important that I feel it, that I see it, recognize it, grow through it. But still, I feel sad. Disappointed in my immature disillusionment.


I have officially listened to this song 25 times while writing this...oof. It's so beautiful.



5 comments:

Margaret said...

Moorea, here is some widsom:

As soon as you turn your focus on God and your relationship with Him... God will bring you that person that will treat you like the woman you are. The way He created you to be treated. Respected. Loved. Adored.

It will come. But in its time. Do you really think its the best time right now for a relationship? God knows the right timing. My heart hurts for you when you're sad but at the same time Moorea dear, I do not want you in just any relationship. No, I want you to be in a relationship with a man that loves his Father, and puts Him first before you. I want you to be with a man who adores you in every way and thinks you're the most beautiful thing God has ever created. You deserve this my friend. I pray for you always, I seriously do. You're that girl that I don't understand why boys aren't fighting over to marry. You are perfect Moorea. Know you are God's daughter and He made you.

He only makes things perfectly.

jason said...

If I knew how to get rid of the fear of rejection, that voice that says, "if they knew the real me they couldn't possibly love me. When I become a better person they'll love me," I would show you how. Why is it so hard to believe we can be loved, that we are loved, as we are? Maybe the problem is that while we're worried about what others think of us, or how we might hurt them or disappoint them, our focus is still on ourselves. Maybe to love is "to lay down one's life for his friends." "Love does not seek it's own." Easier said than done. To love with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. I don't know, if I had it all figured out, I could write a book and make lots of money.
I guess all we can do is the best we can, and let God take care of the rest.

Alexandra said...

Proverbs 10-31

10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I_Might_Be_Wrong said...

I feel sad and alone too whenever
I see young or old couples together or kids happily oblivious to the rest of the world and seemingly
unbogged down by the weight of the world and I wish you luck and happiness we don't need someone
to be happy but till then it
probably helps finding happiness
within and with ourselves
*hugs*

Vanessa said...

I really resonated with this post, Moorea. Thank you for sharing it. I think you have a lot of wisdom...and I don't just say that lightly. I really mean it.

I appreciated what you said about letting God know your needs...and feeling okay about it. For myself, I know that I have been discouraged for so long in this area that it almost hurts to let myself admit that I long for a relationship-- it is better to pretend like I don't. I assume God is aware of that, and therefore I don't need to talk to Him about it or let Him in on it. I just try to keep myself contented and busy with other things: art, goals, work, etc., like you mentioned. I don't know if you feel the same way, but that part of your post really spoke to me.

At any rate-- I appreciate your open-ness and honesty, and just you as a person. I would really like to hang out with you more in the coming year! We should discuss this in more detail over coffee sometime.

Also, you should listen to the song If you Find Yourself Caught in Love, by Belle and Sebastian. It always cheers me up. :)