The Moola and the Mate. Meh?
I know that money does not solve all problems.
I don't actually like having a lot of money, or really anything more than what will pay for my rent and food. I like to live at the bare minimum. I like getting really excited about the things that cost little or no money like the accomplished feeling I get after I have gone on a good run, or the feeling I get hiking through the woods with a good friend or two.
When I do have money, I have a hard time not spending it on people or on things I can do with other people. I really love giving gifts, even when I have no money. And I could be trying harder to advertise what I make so that I can make a little money, but I would much rather be giving away the things I create or just the services I can use to make something special for someone or to remind someone that they are cared for and about.
Right now I am having a really hard time imagining myself married. I have a really really hard time imagining what the purpose of a wedding would hold for me. I could see something labeled along the lines of a "civil union" meaning something really specially to me, something that unites me with a partner. But marriage has a lot of baggage attached to it for me, in my own mind. I wish I could shake all that shit off. It makes me frustrated with myself that I am so cynical about life long relationships right now. I am not sure what the remedy is for me to start feeling a little more at ease with the idea of marriage. I have a hard time deciphering whether I truly don't like something at all, whether I am just not fit for something OR whether I am just being so dramatically stubborn. Ah, being stubborn really is frustrating sometimes.
I don't need to decide my thoughts on marriage anytime soon since I am not even dating anyone. But then again, I also have extremely cynical views on dating right now too. I see good relationships for other people, but I cant imagine what the healthiest and best sort of relationship would look like for me. Conventional notions of a balanced male/female relationship are really hard for me to wrap my mind around in attempting to fit myself into the female role.
On top of all that, I have a really really difficult time praying for a "future mate" for myself. I have heard many single women and young girls say, "I pray for my future husband every night." or mothers saying, "I pray for my daughter's future husband." I know girls who write journals for their future mate. But I just can't do any of that. I feel like I am bullshitting to God. I feel like I am lying to God or trying to twist his figurative arm. It doesn't seem logical to me to pray for something that I don't even know if I want or not.
Being raised Christian, I have all this ridiculous Christian jargon that, when taken out of the Christian context, seems to make no logical sense at all.
Why should I simple presume I need a husband when I grow up just because most people seem to pair off when they are older? I am someone who learns best through experience, and much of my faith is based in that as well. I first try to go through logical processing to decided why I should or shouldn't, want or don't want to do something first and then, when I come to a conclusion of yes or no, I jump in.
Now I won't explain it all, but after personal time spent distancing myself from Christianity and trying to view the world from an Atheistic and an Agnostic view awhile back, I came to find that me in my personality, with all the baggage my life has retained, I need God and I need to leap into faith in a similar way that Kierkegaard dramatically talks about. But the leap is a battle for me. Life long battle. I cannot be blind and leave living life all up to emotions. I need to use my mind.
I need to try to understand why I should or shouldn't do something through lots and lots of thinking, lots of experience, and lots of emotion too. I need the whole shebang to decipher the code.
And I take most things as a big combination of very serious/simple nothingness. Its hard to explain... But basically, for me, most things seem very complicated because of their simplicity.
Anyway, here is what I am trying to say with this business about marriage: It doesn't make sense for me to pray for a future husband when I have not first come to a conclusion about whether I want to get married or not. It just isn't logical.
Maybe, since I am more comfortable with the words "life partner" I could pray "Lord, if I am to have a future life partner, bless him." But that seems frivolous also. I want to be praying for all people equally. I am much more concerned for people dying in pain and in loneliness right at this moment than I am concerned for a maybe/maybe not future partner. My prayer for a partner is really just lumped in with the prayers for the world, for all people. Why should I be specific for someone (the idea of a future mate) when I don't even know if I believe they are just one person, or are even real at all? For me, praying about an ambiguous idea of a mate I am unsure as to whether I want or not feels SO cheap and disrespectful of God. I can't pray that prayer sincerely right now.
All I can pray sincerely is: "God, I don't know what the hell I want ten years from now. I don't know what is best for me in the future. All I know is that I have faith that you are greater than me. I have faith that you see what needs to happen and when it needs to happen. I am pretty darn contented with my life right now, the life that does not include a boyfriend or a husband. The life that runs on very very little money. The life that is fulfilling right now. But I don't know when this phase of life will end, or at least begin to transform into a new fragment of life. Even after the present becomes the past, I look back and see everything in a new light and I understand things differently. So obviously, right now could mean something so different than the understanding I have of it right in this moment. How am I to ever be sure of myself in that sense? There is so much I don't know, so much that I don't understand. And for all of that, I need you and I need to trust that you can see it all more clearly than I. Lord, all I can pray is this. Help me. It is ambiguous, but it is a thrust of the spirit saying, I want to trust you with my whole being; with my rational mind, with the whimsy of my daydreams, with my passionate heart, with every inkling of my being. Help me trust, and when you know the time is right, open my mind to see what it is exactly you want for me."
How this all connects back to money in a simple way: I don't want to be rich. But I do think that if I were to marry someone rich, I would do a good job of being responsible of shared money and would give it back to those who need it more than I. I care a lot about sharing and I feel deeply about all people deserving love in the all forms, including gift giving.
I am up too late. 3:30am And I would have just written this all in my journal, but I think I temporarily fucked up my right collarbone/shoulder from leaning on it too heavily when I write with a pencil (which I have been doing a lot these days.) ps. I'm left handed.