11.11.09

Body

Dang it. I was trying to do a blog post everyday for the month of November for National Blogging Month but Yesterday was busy busy busy no time for blogging busy. And today I avoided the computer in the morning, went to the Bodies exhibit in the afternoon and had a really yummy high Iron dinner with some lovely friends. The high Iron dinner consisted of pasta with clams, broccoli, parsley and a few other things with a side of kale. Yum. Kale.


This was my second time seeing the Bodies exhibit. I last saw it about 3 years ago and was blown away. Ah. If you ever have the chance to see it, you have to do it! The body is so incredible, and at the exhibit you will get to analyze the body like you have never been able to before.

This was my favorite part of the exhibit. The arteries. Ah they take on the appearance of coral, the shape and texture. Its just incredible. The body is so beautiful, its so complex and so perfectly structured. And at the same time, it just seems so fragile and delicate. If one thing doesn't do its job well then it effects so many other things. Blah, its amazing!


When I was younger I used to be extremely self deprecating. I hated myself for many reasons, one being my body. I am not sure why I was so ashamed of my body. I can look at the body I had when I was younger and say that it was beautiful now that I am older and wiser, now that I do love myself and respect myself. But when I was younger, gosh, I just hated my body. People would always point out to me how skinny I was and it drove me mad. I just was skinny and couldn't help it, I didn't understand why people needed to point it out all the time. People called me stick girl, string bean, giraffe, tree, stick bug. Even when it just was in jest, it made me feel rotten. And then when I filled out suddenly mid high school, I had people talking about my body in new ways that made me feel so objectified. I was "the artsy girl with big boobs", "the weird girl with big boobs." One second I felt like I was too skinny and hated the attention I got for that, and then suddenly my body changed, I had the curves I had wanted, but now despised the new kind of attention I got. I didn't want anyone looking at my body, taking about it, critiquing it. I just wanted my body to be my body. I wanted privacy but never felt like I had it. I wanted my body to just be seen as just another body like everyone else.

When, as a freshman in college, I began to pursue loving myself and accepting myself wholly, my body was one of the last things that I came to appreciate about myself. I still had a lot of people commenting on my body in college. I couldn't get away from it. I still am annoyed by it, but now in a different way. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks of how I look because this is my own body, it shouldn't have enough relevance for others to evoke commentary and critique. I am not uncomfortable with my body anymore. I am not ashamed of my body in anyway. I probably have more flaws now than ever, but this is my body. This shell, this skin, these curves will change throughout my life. And I can choose to love it, or not. Why choose not to love? I have learned to not so much care about the outsides of me, rather be concerned about the inside of me. To revel in the mysteries of form and function of my interior is so much more interesting than being concerned about the image that my exterior projects on accident or on purpose.

I am so thankful that I am finally out of college and freed from communities of people who speak constantly without thinking. I have silly friends, I have serious friends, but more importantly, I have friends who respect me in a full sense. And I respect them as well, respect of body, essence, talent, intellect, perseverance, vulnerability and so on. I am thankful I am alive, that I have a body that is alive, that is connected to all that I am: I have hands that let me paint, I have nerves that let me feel what I hold, I have a brain that pumps my pulsating mind giving me new inspiration to create, I have eyes that let in light and warm me in so many ways, I have skin and hair that lets me sense the slightest shift in the wind, the warmth of new sun popping out from behind Seattle clouds. I love my body, I love the insides that I can only observe in full at the Bodies exhibit, I love the outsides that protect my fragile and complex insides. And I love everyone's bodies. What incredible complexity is found in humans, in animals, in nature. So many things to love.

2 comments:

awmb said...

i really want to go to the bodies exhibit, and i will at some point! i am overweight and always have been. i remember growing up being so embarrassed when i went through the transition of not fitting childs clothes, and having to shop in the adult section. and all throughout high school i wore hoodies. every day. and it gets to be about 35 celsius in the summer. you can imagine how hot that was.
but safe to say, i am very comfortable in my skin now. i've found clothes that suit my shape (god forbid they go out of style) and i am confident!
Glad you are, too!

Marvin said...

....... so many things, indeed.......