I seem to have lost my journal, hopefully somewhere within the depths of my house. Though, it could be somewhere else. There are a lot of personal truths within those few little scribbled pages. I guess that within the past 2 or 3 months I have been feeling and thinking more intensely than... ever? No, that can't be. More bold in my thoughts? More strong?
Most well. I have felt most well. And feeling most well has been combined with lots of other wonderful things. Deeply inspiring and moving things. Friendships and really great discussion. My job in art and new challenging ways of creating and ways of seeking inspiration. Intellectual stimulation. Being out of school has finally given me the time to think. When I was in school I felt like I was constantly battling with time allocated for the things that school was forcing me to think about and time that was yearning to be filled with my own seekings and quandaries.

I feel really consumed with thoughts these days. I spend a lot of time alone. I have questions upon questions upon questions about everything. About society, about religion, about God, about science, about morality, about art, about spirituality, about the material and immaterial. There is so much to think about allll the time and there are so many questions that can never be answered. I can't keep up with my questions at all. I don't have time to write them all down because another one comes while I am writing the previous question down.

Here is a question for you that I would really love to hear different peoples thoughts on...Well, i'll ask it at the end of this chunk of thoughts:
I feel like I can't escape God. I can't escape thinking about God, questioning God, having questions about God, fearing God, desiring for there to be a God, trying to imagine no concept of a higher power at all. I can't escape it.
Honestly, the thoughts that most intrigue me or inspire me usually come from friends who question the concept of God rather than fully believe in a higher power. I believe in God, but its not because I am willing myself to believe in God. Its just like I can't shake off God. My mind won't let me! Isn't that weird? I am really strong willed and stubborn. You'd think that if it is just a concept, that I could decided to throw out that concept at some point if I so choose. But the idea of God is so powerful and immense and confusing and mind blowing I can't NOT think about it. I have to think about it all the time. Why isn't that the same for everyone? Is that the same for everyone?
For my few friends who are devoted Atheists, they have to be so intense about their thoughts on a no God. To declare ones self as an Atheist is a lot of dedication. That is so intense. And truly believing in a God is so intense too. You can't half believe in someone. You can question it and be in a limbo state. But you can't "sort of" believe in something. Belief is a huge word. Agnosticism is the grey, the area of uncertainty. I have a lot of friends who are Agnostic. And I can understand that area and deeply respect it too. It is hard for me to trust a lot of people who declare that they "truly" believe or don't believe in God. proof is so easil argued from both sides it is overwhelming.

My question is for all of you. For Atheists, Agnostics, and those who believe in gods or a God.
How often do you contemplate the idea of one God?
Does it overwhelm you?

For me, I feel like I just can't escape God. Its in my mind and its always there, involved in every other thought I have. Each new thought is woven between my questions about God and the belief in God that feels outside of my own will. It is so confusing and inescapable. I can't shake off God. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't think it is because I am fearful of an interior landscape that is free of a God like influence. I just can't escape it.

I have so many questions. And all of me wishes I were more brilliant, more intellectual, more quick, had better memory, better comprehension so that maybe I could process my questions in a more manageable way. But my head just feels like a giant explosion of questions and unsatisfactory theories. I like to think. But really, its overwhleming sometimes.


Kyla Roma said...

This has been weighting on me lately too, and as always you put this beautifully. I think, for me, that it's on my mind is an indication that I need to explore it. I bought a study bible last month and have been working through it- and being raised agnostic (at best) I'm fascinated.

For me, life makes more sense with God. With a real, fleshed out, version of God- not the 2D, cartoon version I had in my head before I started examining this all properly. That's just me, but it's been a wild change. Good luck figuring it out for yourself! And if you ever want to chat, you know where I live online =)

Anonymous said...

Wow. That is one major question. I, personally, tend to avoid the subject of God. All of these negative things come to my mind when I think about the traditional sense of God being one man up in the sky. A lot of it based on opinion more than anything.

I'm going to be honest with you, I don't think about God enough. Or whatever it is out there that I tend to sort of believe in once in a while. It's hard to really believe in something when you're not very informed of it. And going on a spiritual quest is not the answer for me right now. But maybe in the future.

I just reread that and realized how vague that was. Hmm... I guess I have a few thing to work on.

Marge said...

I think about God a lot. I can't really picture myself without Him or my world without Him.

Sometimes the idea of God intimidates me and it drives me crazy that I don't know Him as well as I thought I did... It makes me want to pursue Him constantly in all things that I do.

I question Him a lot and wonder about things. I know He's all knowing and all powerful. That's comforting to me. Especially when I'm confused, and I don't know the answer to something. I limit Him a lot though, limit Him to what I can do. I need to remember that He's God.

Marge said...

Oh and its Margaret btw:) Im signed into my gmail account, haha.

richard k zad said...

Nice entry! I'm agnostic, if I had to put a more specific label, probably secular humanist.

I originally wrote a huge comment with a lot more thoughts on the existence of God, but ultimately maybe off track.

In a sense, it seems like it might be a total opposite to your thought. You say you can't escape thinking of God, but He never enters my thought at all unless I explicitly think about the subject.

The thought of a God is still overwhelming of course, just like the entry point of life, the sheer length of the history of time, and the magnitude of the universe (really, think about it --)... It's staggering and I'm sure I could never grasp it. I don't think in my lifetime I'll ever know what life truly consists of, what conscience is, how we really are at a fundamental (spirit level?). But while these are all ultimately FASCINATING questions, they are not as important as trying to understand other people, the world, and the way you are at a higher level. But for me none of these questions need a God to try and answer them. An appreciation for others, yourself, history, and critical thinking are all important, and that's what I focus on (generally humanist thought). Making the world a better place for me, and for others. Thinking about Him has not been necessary at all.

snip the rest :) I could go on for a long time...

Zoe said...

I literally never think about it. Ever. I sincerely don't care. Maybe one day I will, maybe I never will. Who knows? But my life is too full of joys and tribulations for me to think or care about something as ephemeral as an abstract concept that in no way shape or form affects my daily, monthly or annual life. I have faith in myself as an individual to achieve sustainability in moments of difficulty or hardship just as I have faith in myself as an individual to appreciate small joys and find happiness. I don't think some invisible all-seeing omnipotent eye does any of this for me.

I am practical, I enjoy solving problems, I like the details. I don't believe in God. I don't refute God. Frankly, I really don't care. Like even now writing this I'm not even thinking about God.

But, hey, I'm not aggressive about this. It's all very laissez-faire to me. To each his or her own. I do believe in faith, in the idea of believing, but as I said I have faith in humanity, not religion or God.

Madeline Reyes said...

I really agree with you about your point of people's responses to God. Personally, I find that atheists do fight very hard against the idea of God because He offends them. People are offended by the idea of God because they don't want to lose control of their own life, or because they don't understand suffering. Believing in the power and majesty of our creator makes us feel very small.
I grew up in a Christian home. Not in a setting where it was pushed down my throat, but I accepted it and felt God with me since then. There are miraculous things that I have experienced that I could never explain if God was not real. Its not that I have been sheltered from pain or seen evil in the world. I watched my dad die slowly and painfully from a terrible disease. I do not doubt God, His ways are higher than my own, and I trust Him. And I have felt His love to my very core, being shaken by it. I went to a Bible college to study His word, to test it. I wanted to know that what I believed was well grounded. And I can confidently say that my faith is stronger having tested it.
My point was this; we will never be able to understand Him fully. He created us, and along with that comes wonderful exciting mysteries about our creator. However, if I could understand Him fully, and feel equal with Him, He would not be worth worshiping. And beyond that, in all of his glory, power, righteousness, and how small and sinful and foolish I am, He died for me that I might have fellowship with Him. He delights in me and loves me, redeeming my soul. So, in answer to your question, yes. God is always on my mind. I am always seeking to know Him more. He is my Father, my friend, and my Savior.

Isaiah 45:18-19
"For thus says the Lord, who created the heavens, who is God, who formed the earth and made it, who has established it, who did not create it in vain, who formed it to be inhabited; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I have not spoken in secret, in a dark place of the earth; I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain'; I, the Lord speak righteousness, I declare things that are right."

Lamentations 3:22-26
"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him to the soul who seeks Him."

Corinne said...

I enjoyed reading your post and applaude you for puting the question out there. I think it's one people have trouble or are unsure as to how to answer the question without insulting someones feelings.
I am like you and have recently started in thinking more and more about God and how he impacts our daily lives. I think up to this point in my life I wasn't as set on understanding or thinking about it. I was brought up in a home where we would go to church on random and certain occasions, but not on a regular basis. Now that I have finished school and moved away from home, I realize there is more to life than studying, partying, movies, and celebrity magazines (sounds small-minded, right?) I am beginning the journey of discovering how to explore the idea of God, and how I believe he is real and impacts my life.
Thanks so much for posting this thought!!

Elizabeth said...

I apologize in advance for this lengthy post! My response to your question is certainly no definitive answer...I only hope to share Truth!

I answered Christ's gift of Salvation when I was very young. I have followed Him ever since, but not without my share of difficulties.

When tragedy, loss, and difficulty rear their ugly heads in our lives, we doubt that a loving God could exist in the face of hardship. We convince ourselves we can fix our problems on our own. But what we're really saying is "God won't give me the answer I want" or "I know better than God what's best". It's hard to admit defeat; that we don't have all the answers. I myself grew up as a little first-born smarty-pants (and tend to think I'm right). However, when my plans turn sour, I realize that Christ Jesus is the only one who can comfort me through my problems. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

On the contrary, when life's good: "it's just dumb luck" or "I've worked hard to get here, I deserve it". But what we're really doing is settling for the belief that life's just full of silly coincidences, lucky finds, and random acts of kindness. However, the Bible tells us, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17).

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." (C.S. Lewis)

I said goodbye to my baby sister 4 years ago just 2 hours after she was born with Trisomy 18. Many times I asked God, why? Why such a short life? God's answer was clear when we spoke with doctors and nurses. None of them had seen a Trisomy 18 victim's short life so celebrated and enjoyed. His presence was there despite the loss. Perhaps the lives of those in witness will believe in God because of the love that was shown to Katie that day.

We test the presence of God for various reasons...we're afraid of the unknown and the possibility that we could be wrong... asking the question isn't worth the trouble... we are content with the "mud pies" because we don't believe there's more to life than what we see... and we dispute the presence of God in our lives because simply believing seems too complicated or too difficult to prove...

For me, remembering my sister Katie's beautiful face reminds me that God made each of us in His own image. He LOVES each and every one of us so dearly - He sent His own Son to the world knowing He would die on our behalf (ref John 3:16).

Judith Westerfield said...

Great provocative post. I have been overwhelmed my whole life with the fear that life was meaningless, I was meaningless and I would die into "nothingness"

The only thing I've always believed (since childhood) is that we are all connected in some way. . . a "meaningless way"?

I was brought up agnostic. In my search to NOT be overwhelmed I have studied many of the major religions and STRUGGLED with the question of what is the purpose of life if there is no God.

About 3 years ago I started studying the Baha'i faith and it all came together for me. It's taken me 65 years to find a religion/philosophy that made sense of my questions, fears and "intuitive knowing".

Whatever your personal answer is I hope it doesn't take you 65 years!

Dominique of Wrens and Roses said...

Ok this is going to be a long post but I think you knew that would happen when you posted this question...

I spent a lot of time thinking about God as a child. I even wanted to be a Nun. But,at age 9, I went through 2 very intense weeks of self-examination. I literally made myself sick with introspection. I couldn't sleep but I also wouldn't get out of bed. My grandmother even let me stay home from school. At the end of it all, I had a very intense moment of self-realization.

I saw that there was no "god" only our limited perception of a universe that we can never fully understand.

From that point on, I was an atheist. And you know what? Even at that young age, I wasn't scared or lonely or afraid of a meaningless life followed by a death that led to nothingness. I was relieved and in awe of the Universe.

I consider myself a spiritual atheist. I believe there are things that human beings may never understand, but that doesn't mean those things are magical or supernatural or from God. they are just complicated and beyond our ability to understand.

Presuming that the variety and richness of the universe could only exist if it was created by a father figure who has a plan for each and every particle is a product of the deep human need to feel safe and comfortable in a universe that can sometimes be dangerous and scary.

When I let go of that idea of a plan from god, I actually felt more awe and wonder at the beauty of nature.

I felt more alive and more a part of the world around me.

I know for a fact that when I die, my body will become the earth. I will be eaten by insects and bacteria. I will fertilize the earth and become food for plants. Animals will eat those plants and have baby animals. In other words, even without heaven god or a soul I live on eternally. How beautiful is that?

Before reading your post, I hadn't though about god for a while. These days I never think about god.

But I constantly feel joy and wonder at the beauty that surrounds me. Every morning, every snowflake, every bird, makes me happy to be alive. But god never factors into that feeling for me.

In fact, the last few times I've thought about god, it was with great sadness and even anger because I was disgusted by the horrible way people were acting in his name.

wrensandroses(at!)g mail(dot)com

joanna.ruth. said...

Hi Moorea!
I know this post is from two years ago but I still feel the need to comment :)
I would like to encourage you to read the Bible, especially the New Testament and decide for yourself who God is, who Jesus really is. You really don't have anything to lose and it might help you understand one side of the God debate.
I pray that you continue to seek what can fill this hole in your life.

praying for you!

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." jeremiah 29:13

Anonymous said...

I know this is an old post, but i couldn't help commenting.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”
― C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis was one brilliant man. I would highly recommend any and all of his works.