I seem to have lost my journal, hopefully somewhere within the depths of my house. Though, it could be somewhere else. There are a lot of personal truths within those few little scribbled pages. I guess that within the past 2 or 3 months I have been feeling and thinking more intensely than... ever? No, that can't be. More bold in my thoughts? More strong?
Most well. I have felt most well. And feeling most well has been combined with lots of other wonderful things. Deeply inspiring and moving things. Friendships and really great discussion. My job in art and new challenging ways of creating and ways of seeking inspiration. Intellectual stimulation. Being out of school has finally given me the time to think. When I was in school I felt like I was constantly battling with time allocated for the things that school was forcing me to think about and time that was yearning to be filled with my own seekings and quandaries.
I feel really consumed with thoughts these days. I spend a lot of time alone. I have questions upon questions upon questions about everything. About society, about religion, about God, about science, about morality, about art, about spirituality, about the material and immaterial. There is so much to think about allll the time and there are so many questions that can never be answered. I can't keep up with my questions at all. I don't have time to write them all down because another one comes while I am writing the previous question down.
Here is a question for you that I would really love to hear different peoples thoughts on...Well, i'll ask it at the end of this chunk of thoughts:
I feel like I can't escape God. I can't escape thinking about God, questioning God, having questions about God, fearing God, desiring for there to be a God, trying to imagine no concept of a higher power at all. I can't escape it.
Honestly, the thoughts that most intrigue me or inspire me usually come from friends who question the concept of God rather than fully believe in a higher power. I believe in God, but its not because I am willing myself to believe in God. Its just like I can't shake off God. My mind won't let me! Isn't that weird? I am really strong willed and stubborn. You'd think that if it is just a concept, that I could decided to throw out that concept at some point if I so choose. But the idea of God is so powerful and immense and confusing and mind blowing I can't NOT think about it. I have to think about it all the time. Why isn't that the same for everyone? Is that the same for everyone?
For my few friends who are devoted Atheists, they have to be so intense about their thoughts on a no God. To declare ones self as an Atheist is a lot of dedication. That is so intense. And truly believing in a God is so intense too. You can't half believe in someone. You can question it and be in a limbo state. But you can't "sort of" believe in something. Belief is a huge word. Agnosticism is the grey, the area of uncertainty. I have a lot of friends who are Agnostic. And I can understand that area and deeply respect it too. It is hard for me to trust a lot of people who declare that they "truly" believe or don't believe in God. proof is so easil argued from both sides it is overwhelming.
My question is for all of you. For Atheists, Agnostics, and those who believe in gods or a God.
How often do you contemplate the idea of one God?
Does it overwhelm you?
For me, I feel like I just can't escape God. Its in my mind and its always there, involved in every other thought I have. Each new thought is woven between my questions about God and the belief in God that feels outside of my own will. It is so confusing and inescapable. I can't shake off God. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't think it is because I am fearful of an interior landscape that is free of a God like influence. I just can't escape it.
I have so many questions. And all of me wishes I were more brilliant, more intellectual, more quick, had better memory, better comprehension so that maybe I could process my questions in a more manageable way. But my head just feels like a giant explosion of questions and unsatisfactory theories. I like to think. But really, its overwhleming sometimes.