15.11.09

Snuggle





Yesterday, a few of my friends and I had a marathon date day. We went to the opening of the new Modern Art Museum in Bellingham where I had installed the pieces I had help build for John Grade. We had coffee before, went out to lunch after. Drove back, made dinner together. Went to see a romantic movie (Bright Star) and came back to my house and had tea and toast.

Somewhere along the journey, traveling in the car, we were talking about snuggling. I said that I can't initiate snuggling. On later reflection, I would say that I can't initiate snuggling with most people, and especially cant initiate with whatever boy I'm crushing on at the time. But if I am dating, at least past the initial snuggle with someone I am diggin', I can initiate. I just need confirmation that that person wants to snuggle with me too before I curl up next to them for the first time.

Somewhere else, in the middle of the excursions, we were in my studio and Cate found this little funny book I made a few years ago called Favorites and lists. I haven't looked at it in a long time, and they were curious as to what it held. So we flipped through it and read some of my lists: Favorite Things Ever, Favorite Movies, Things That Taste Good With Peanut Butter, Coziest Places, Worst Smells... and so on and so forth.
When it hit the page "Coziest Places" I felt stunned.

Coziest Places:
1. lying next to someone you love.
2. snuggled up in blankets on a couch reading a good book.
3. lying in bed with the sunshine seeping through the window.

I think that my "coziest places" reveal that I am an extremely snuggly person. I wouldn't call myself touchy feely because I think that touchy feely people are the sorts of people who are very physical with everyone. I am quite the opposite of that. Touch has a lot of weight and meaning for me so I don't want to be touchy feely with everyone. But I do recognize now after rereading my silly little book that a lot of my deepest comfort is found in being cozy, snuggly, wrapped in the arms of someone I love.

I have been feeling anti dating for a long time now. And I haven't had a boyfriend in a year, almost. On top of that, I haven't been in love for 3 or 4 years. At this point, because I have been out of dating for so long, I have built up some sort of barrier that hasn't allowed me room to see why dating or having a boyfriend would be a good thing. I have been bitter towards dating, love, and most especially marriage. But I think realizing some things today and yesterday are helping me recognize where I truly am at, what I need most, what is best for me despite my stubbornness.

I love snuggling. Especially when I am in love. I feel restrained in my emotions, or at least restrained in what I can reveal to friends. I desire a confidant and am uninterested in revealing all of me to everyone. I just want to reveal all of me to one person. I want to snuggle. Not with everyone. I just want to snuggle with one person. I think that I do want to be in love.
And I have such a hard time saying this because I feel weak, but... I want a boyfriend.
And I don't want just anyone, I want someone who I want to love.
Let me love and be loved.

all photos from we heart it

7 comments:

Allie said...

I don't know how I went so many years without snuggling. Thank goodness for Joseph and his snuggly tendencies.

JD said...

I'm like gonna cry right now.
Beautiful.

Emily Jane said...

Hurrah for snuggling!! And I just LOVE those two photos (the bubble one and the underwater one). I had to clip them they're so lovely.

gone.running.gone said...

yay! finally a refreshing blog i enjoy! always a good read, and i relate to so much of what you're saying here. so, glad i stumbled upon your page miss moorea**

michael said...

I wrote a collection of short stories, (just for fun, I know that it is not great literature), it is about a child who lost Mother and Father and grew up in a loveless home, in one of the stories he talks about not ever being hugged. I sent you one of the stories to your youtube email account, I would be interested in your suggestions or critique as I find your work imaginative
phillynotebook

Marvin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
awmb said...

It's so interesting what we write when we're in certain places of our lives. I feel the same way. I tend to set boundaries for most people, and really cannot stand any sort of contact with most people.
I have never been in love. I keep hoping that it will happen someday. Hopefully it will be soon.