Yesterday, a few of my friends and I had a marathon date day. We went to the opening of the new Modern Art Museum in Bellingham where I had installed the pieces I had help build for John Grade. We had coffee before, went out to lunch after. Drove back, made dinner together. Went to see a romantic movie (Bright Star) and came back to my house and had tea and toast.
Somewhere along the journey, traveling in the car, we were talking about snuggling. I said that I can't initiate snuggling. On later reflection, I would say that I can't initiate snuggling with most people, and especially cant initiate with whatever boy I'm crushing on at the time. But if I am dating, at least past the initial snuggle with someone I am diggin', I can initiate. I just need confirmation that that person wants to snuggle with me too before I curl up next to them for the first time.
Somewhere else, in the middle of the excursions, we were in my studio and Cate found this little funny book I made a few years ago called Favorites and lists. I haven't looked at it in a long time, and they were curious as to what it held. So we flipped through it and read some of my lists: Favorite Things Ever, Favorite Movies, Things That Taste Good With Peanut Butter, Coziest Places, Worst Smells... and so on and so forth.
When it hit the page "Coziest Places" I felt stunned.
1. lying next to someone you love.
2. snuggled up in blankets on a couch reading a good book.
3. lying in bed with the sunshine seeping through the window.
I think that my "coziest places" reveal that I am an extremely snuggly person. I wouldn't call myself touchy feely because I think that touchy feely people are the sorts of people who are very physical with everyone. I am quite the opposite of that. Touch has a lot of weight and meaning for me so I don't want to be touchy feely with everyone. But I do recognize now after rereading my silly little book that a lot of my deepest comfort is found in being cozy, snuggly, wrapped in the arms of someone I love.
I have been feeling anti dating for a long time now. And I haven't had a boyfriend in a year, almost. On top of that, I haven't been in love for 3 or 4 years. At this point, because I have been out of dating for so long, I have built up some sort of barrier that hasn't allowed me room to see why dating or having a boyfriend would be a good thing. I have been bitter towards dating, love, and most especially marriage. But I think realizing some things today and yesterday are helping me recognize where I truly am at, what I need most, what is best for me despite my stubbornness.
I love snuggling. Especially when I am in love. I feel restrained in my emotions, or at least restrained in what I can reveal to friends. I desire a confidant and am uninterested in revealing all of me to everyone. I just want to reveal all of me to one person. I want to snuggle. Not with everyone. I just want to snuggle with one person. I think that I do want to be in love.
And I have such a hard time saying this because I feel weak, but... I want a boyfriend.
And I don't want just anyone, I want someone who I want to love.
Let me love and be loved.
all photos from we heart it