{ Lightening My Mind's Load }


I seem to have found myself in a bit of a funk. Self imposed stagnancy perhaps? This is my constant battle.
I am content in calm atmospheres, I don't particularly jump to get in on any sort of thing deemed "exciting." Though I do love adventure and change. I am just quiet and like to mull things over. My spirit is peaceful, but brooding. The brooding part is the problem. I am moody, bouncing between joyful/lighthearted and serious/intense. I take most everything seriously. I take people seriously, I analyze what they say and do. I listen and watch quietly to fully taken in all that they are and all that they pretend to be. I can stare at a wall for hours just thinking and daydreaming. Everything feels powerful to me and I am constantly searching for reasons as to why people do what they do.
I would go to parties in high school and college but was never a "partier." People have always teased me and called me a mom because I am usually reserved, observant, and am the one trying to take care of of everyone else. In high school it was "you are a prude. uptight." Those words suck. I just can't make myself do anything that I have already thought through, used rational reasoning to decided if it is something I am, represents me, or feels true. So if others choose to place hateful words on me because of my reasoning, so be it.

Ex. Here is what I would usually do at a part in college.
If I was with a group of people who were all my age and who all seemed confident in themselves, then I would feel fine having a drink or two. I would probably only talk to my close friends quietly. I wouldn't joke much unless I happened to feel really silly and goofy that night. And if there was dancing, I would dance because I love dancing.
If I was a party and I saw someone who looked uncomfortable or nervous, I would usually gravitate to that person. Most of the time it was younger girls, freshman or sophomores, that looked really intimidated and were nervous about the entire experience. I could see the pressure they felt to drink and go wild just beating down on their chests. I hate seeing that. As soon as I saw a young girl looking like she was going to make some dumb choices simply based on peer pressure, and would end up feeling worse about herself later, I just felt like I had to protect her. If I saw some younger girls at the party I would swoop over and put my protective wing over their heads. I wouldn't drink and would remind them that they don't have to drink either to have a good time. They don't have to make themselves uncomfortable and dangerously vulnerable to the people at the party that they didn't trust. I would say, who needs them! And bring all my girl friends over to the dance floor to just be joyful, dancing and having a good time, ignoring the scary pressures they felt all around them.

There are plenty of great fun, outgoing, happy people who like to party and go crazy. I have plenty of best friends in that boat. But I am not one. For lots of people, drinking copious amounts of alcohol is "freeing" or helps them feel comfortable. But for me it isn't so. I like to appreciate a beer or a glass of wine. But I hate feeling really drunk and misrepresenting who I am. I don't enjoy making stupid choices that I will them regret. I don't like feeling sick later in the night or the next day. Every so often, aka every few months, there may be some sort of silly event with close friends that could justify getting pretty tipsy. But for the most part, I'm not a partier. In that world, I am not one of the "fun" ones. And I don't care. If in that world I am viewed as boring, then whatever. "Me" is not represented in what extreme ways I try to prove myself to others. "Me" is sticking to the ideals I hold for myself. "Me" is taking care of myself, my body, my mind, my sense of self respect, my emotions.

"Me" is pretty intense. But I don't think it is in a bad way. There are plenty of situations where I think to myself, "Gosh could you please lighten up and enjoy this Moorea!?" I try. And I am trying. This is my battle. My soul contains a free spirit, circling and swaying free and lofty. My mind revolves in vivid daydreams. My hands work in constant rhythm, crafting and creating. And my will rumbles and shakes with strength and power. Sometimes they combine to be something good, and sometimes that something is merely frustrating. I feel to always be myself and rarely ever false, if only by accident. I feel true. And if truth makes me appear boring or quiet at times, so be it. In the end, I am always me, and I stick to my guns.

This brings me back to my funky feeling.
My intense and brooding nature makes me a perfectionist. I have a hard time working on any sort of project if I do not see the potential for perfection in it, or if I think i can't be extremely thorough. I hate feeling like I haven't worked hard enough, or am unable to explain all the work and thought I have put into something. I hate misrepresenting myself. A very frustrating little thing that I am always fighting.
So, this perfectionism prevents me from embarking on a lot of simple and extravagant adventures, usually in the emotionally risky realm. Yet, at the same time, I constantly crave change, progression, adaptation.

I have so many wonderful things I want to investing in, I like so many things and people and places. But I can't do it all at one time, and I can't expect perfection in everything I do. I must accept that not everything I do has to be perfect. I must accept that I will not always be able to verbally express my reasoning for all that I do. I put a lot of intense thought into everything I do, say, think, make. But I am horrible at verbally communicating abstract thought so I feel like I come off as just being silly and shallow. It drives me insane. But oh well, I guess. I can't let it get me down. I don't need to be in this funk. I need to keep moving and pursuing all that I care about despite potential to fail or potential for things to fall short.

Today I will work on my Indie Biz class all day. I have a lot of assignments I need to do and a new project to work on. I want to be thorough, because that is my obsessive style. But if stuff isn't perfect, I have to let it go. I will be ok if I don't do everything perfectly. And I have to remember it is the same for everyone else. I cannot quietly criticize others as intensely as I critique myself. Constructive criticism is great, but I never want to jump into the land of false expectations.

I need to lighten my heavy headed load to be able to take on the weights that I want outside of myself. I want my mind to be free as my essence feels.


Amy T Schubert said...

I absolutely could have written this. Every word (except the drinking part. I don't like alcohol at all).

I too feel like it's only worth making the effort if I can get the project RIGHT/perfect.

I too have been in a funk all week (frustrated by lack of ball-rolling with my wedding photography)

I too need to spend all day (Sat) working on Indie Biz assignments.


Laura said...

Amen sista!

Well put.

Cheryl said...

This was a wonderful post. In my case I was often labeled with quiet, shy, overly sensitive. It's taken me long time to realize these were strengths rather than insults.

Anonymous said...

aIt's hard to be less critical of yourself when you've made it a habit. But you just need to be conscious that it's something you need to work on constantly and try to keep it in your mind as much as possible.

I find that I have the same problem with being 'fun' sometimes, but I think it really depends on the season. It's like, as soon as mid-October hits, I'm a goner. I have no will to go anywhere but home to watch movies and craft every night. But in the spring I'm free as a bird, and want to drink on the weekends. I think, for me, it's a good balance.

Good luck on dealing with your funk..

Roxanne said...

We need to have a talk Moorea. Seriously, it's like you took all of my bottled up crap that I've been reluctant to write out and left it on the floor for me to pick up. I feel so akin to you. Have a relaxing weekend! Let's make plans to visit when I get out west. xo