I could almost cry, I just feel really good today. Seriously, I'm teary eyed.
I woke up and my body just felt better than it has in a long time. Usually, my insides just sort of ache in the morning and night, but my body just felt clear and light. That feels so good and refreshing. My joints usually hurt in the morning and night too but they didn't today. I felt good. I felt how I think I am supposed to feel when I am fully healthy.
I had planned to go to gluten free/vegan bakery for lunch, so when I came out of my room and my best friend/one of my roommates was sitting there, I invited her along. We haven't really hungout one on one in a long time. And we haven't really done anything together alone outside of the house in ages. So it was a nice little impromptu friendship time.
I took a shower with the new mint scented shampoo, conditioner, and body wash that I got recently. Ah, the mint scent just makes me feel so relaxed and fresh and new. When I got out of the shower I noticed that my skin was looking a lot smoother and didn't hurt like it usually does. I usually have lots of pain under my skin along my jaw line from cystic acne. And I usually have a few deep acne spots that are red and painful to the touch, but I just only had one tiny little zit that was healing already. That makes me feel SO good. Just one day without pain in my skin on my face makes me feel so good about myself. Free.
I brushed my teeth with this natural bristle toothbrush that I just bought the other day. For some reason, it seems to work way better than any other toothbrush I've ever had, even better than fancy electric toothbrushes. I've been flossing day and night for the past few nights and my teeth feel really good.
Katie and I drove over to the bakery around 11:30 and shared a bowl of chili, a vegan calzone, and a kale salad (kale is one of my FAVORITE foods). I love the taste of basically all food, a lot a lot. But that doesn't mean it all settles with me well. I feel heavy and nauseous often from random food. I don't know what foods make me feel sick because I like the taste of everything and don't want to have to say no to stuff that may actually not be working well with my body, aka potential allergies to foods. Anyway, after this meal, I didn't feel any bad reactions from my body. I just felt good. I didn't feel amazingly better than normal, but I just felt like my hunger was satiated and my body still felt good, clean, and light. Once again, a refreshing feeling.
Katie and I ended up having a really great conversation. She and I share a lot of the same views on most everything in life, and it is always so nice talking with her about anything because I know she respects what I have to say and I have that same respect for her, even if we do disagree occasionally. I have known her for 4, almost 5 years now and I just feel like she is such a valuable person in my life. She really is amazing and such a valuable friend.
One thing about going to ungrad at Seattle Pacific University was that, because it was a Christian affiliated school, there were a lot of things that people were afraid to talk about, even with close friends. Most people didn't talk about sex, unless they were condemning sex outside of marriage and just leaving it at that. People didn't talk about sexuality in general really. And if you were open about even just discussing those things, people just sort of looked at you like you didn't belong. Most people there are pretty quiet about those things which should be normal discussion to the average person. It doesn't matter if you have or haven't had sex, do or don't want to have sex. You should still feel open to talking about it and you should still be able to acknowledge your own sexuality (within a context and space that is comfortable for you.)
I feel like, within a conservative Christian environment, people are afraid to even acknowledge their own sexuality for fear of being tagged as "too open" or something. All people are sexual beings, but that doesn't mean that that is all that we are. We are complex creatures, and every part is complicated! I think it is really healthy and important to explore and talk about all that you are. It is important to set personal boundaries in all areas of life, but also be open to learning about oneself and those around you on varying levels. I don't mean go talk about deeply personal stories with everyone you meet, but find good and loving people to have open dialogue with. Keep your boundaries where you need them, but don't be afraid to be opinionated and open.
When I was younger, I had really negative views of my body and my sexuality. My parents never said anything negative about either. But in the conflicting environments that I swam around in, in catholic school, in public school, at various churches, with liberal friends, with conservative friends, I heard so many intense opinions about the body and sexuality in the most negative ways.
I had friends who didn't respect their bodies and just used themselves as sexual tools to rope in a boy. And then on the other end of the spectrum, I had friends who had never done anything with a boy physically and were totally afraid and ashamed of their bodies. I think only individuals can really decide what is healthy for themselves. Some things are comfortable for one person than may not be comfortable for another. But what needs to be continually cultivated, along side forming opinions on what one does and doesn't want to do, is the person's value of self. The love and respect of one's self, mind, body, spirit, everything is SO important to have a base to launch off of when making any sort of decision.
"Love your neighbor as you love yourself"I repeat that over and over again in my head everyday. I want to love everyone with compassion and understanding. I want to be able to acknowledge faults and not be jaded, but still be ok with them, be accepting, be loving. To love others, I have to love myself. I need to understand and accept myself in all ways to fully be able to love others. If I can be ok with and happy about the person that I am, then I have such a better basis of compassion to give to others. Loving and understanding the elements of one's sexuality is just as important as loving one's mind, body, and everything else that makes you you. Feel empowered to love you and love others!
Today, I am really thankful knowing that I am happy with myself in almost every area of life. I am not perfect. I have plenty of flaws to pick at. I have plenty of things I want to improve and change. But, I am happy in just knowing that I have a drive to take care of myself and respect myself. I have no right answers to give to people when it comes to simple universal actions that all people should and shouldn't do. But on an intellectual and spiritual level, I feel really compelled to encourage healing and love.
Today, my body feels really healthy and good. My skin feels healthy. My insides feel calm and clean. My spirits feel lifted and enlightened. My heart feels full and open. My mind feels at peace and contented. My opinions and beliefs feel valid but open to being shaped and changed in the future and the present. I just feel good. I feel alive. Free. Healthy.
I really encourage you friends to take care of all of who you are, and don't be afraid to learn about all of yourself. Never be ashamed of who you are. Never be ashamed of what you do or do not know. Never be ashamed of your experiences of lack there of. I am a perfectionist and have a hard time living up to my own standard. But every person has the ability to give oneself grace, to love and accept all that that makes that person an individual.
I feel good today. And I want you to feel good too. Sit by yourself and think about your incredible capacity to love today. At least for a moment, let yourself have it all. Give yourself as much love as you can muster, even if just for 30 seconds. Let yourself feel happy, feel healthy, feel loved.
Love you friends <3