This is what Love looks like.
I have avoided talking about my boyfriend on my blog for quite a few months now because there are some areas of life that don't need to be integrated with the web all that much. Some things are better left unsaid, and safer that way. But today I am just going to say a little something because we recently embarked on a new journey into the land of Love. That means, we said I love you for the first time this weekend and I couldn't stop smiling because of it.
I haven't said I love you to a boy in...lets see...at least 3 years? Maybe 4? And I don't think that it has felt this powerful since my very first love at the tender age of 17. (I will be 24 in about 2 weeks!) This one means a lot. Something about this boy just melts me and breaks down all my walls. As he says, I am a VERY deliberate person. I am extremely cautious and careful and try to do everything with wisdom. Sometimes I am way too protective of my heart, and of others, which leaves no room for experiencing the beauty that only happens when you allow space for emotional risk. I am an adventurous free spirit and I don't let much get in my way. I love change, am not scared of much and don't let inhibitions control me. But when it comes to my heart, I am so guarded. I have been hurt many times before, but then again, hasn't everyone? I get nervous, and I retreat. But this boy wouldn't let me.
An unspeakable something about him just sparked a light in me when we reconnected some months ago. Immediate. Chemistry? We've got it. We spent everyday together while we were in the same place for those first few weeks. And we kept talking everyday after that, when the spark lasted over long distance. We both knew it was so worth it to start dating even if we lived far away from each other. He is so worth it. I can't even tell you how kind he is to me. It baffles me. I don't think anyone has ever treated me so well, has been so thoughtful, has pushed through my walls with such grace, has woke me up from my heart's long hibernation. He understands how to show me that he cares, and he communicates with me so well. He has poetry laced into his being.
I never said I love you with my last boyfriend way over a year ago. It wasn't there. And before that, years ago, it felt too rushed and more made up daydream than reality. So with this boy, because I cared about him so much, I really wanted to be careful, be purposeful with my words. I wanted to know for sure that the desire I had to speak love into existence was rooted in truth and not whimsy. Over the past few weeks, we both wanted to say it, we felt it. But we are in a long distance relationship and it just didn't feel like something that should happen over a phone.
At the airport on Wednesday night, typical me, I was mid frantically searching for my lost phone and talking to a security guard trying to find it when the boy pulled up. I thought I lost my phone but really it was just logged into a weird spot in my suit case, teehee woops... Seeing my boy as he drove up, my heart fluttered at his smile. And my limbs weakened seeing how patient he was being while scatterbrained me searched around for my phone. When we stopped at some fast food on the way home, and he popped inside for a sec while I waited in the car, I watched him walk to the door and felt my heart just pound in my chest. Just having a moment to sit back and fully see him, to experience his presence without clinging to him, to be able to fully think and feel and the same time, I literally felt like a wave of love passed through me. I almost started crying because I knew with full force that I loved him. I do love him. He told me he loved me later, before I spoke it into existence for myself. And I am thankful.
Love feels like the summer sun, coaxing you into a serene and slow paced existence. Love sounds like rushing water, bouncing and trickling over rocks, slowly smoothing their surfaces till they are shining and clean. Experiencing Love feels like bounding over huge rocks, navigating new courses in an unmarked forest, feeling enlivened to fully take in all that is new, and relish all that is old. Love looks like the natural world, each atom in each plant, each limb of the forest buzzing with life. Love is real and it is magical. It is true and visible, but runs on a power that is otherworldly. How happy am I am that I got to spend time in nature with my love these past few days, in Yosemite, a place I have held in my memory since I was a little girl as the most magical, romantic, and beautiful place I've ever been. I will miss him, but the power of missing him only reminds me of the intense love that fuels it. To my boy, I love you. And to my friends, you are deserving of a love that is as special and beautiful as the one I am experiencing now. may it last a long time. <3