On Seeking a Counselor
I don't know why, but just lots of things have been a bit hard for me since moving out of my old house. A lot of things have been hitting me, reminding me of the ways that I need to move on and grow up. Difficult things have been coming up, mostly the repressed pain I have from my childhood. I'm a very sensitive person and when I feel something it is really powerful. I am also proactive and try my best to be a good person and fix things when they seem dysfunctional. I do a pretty good job of it most of the time :) But the stuff that is coming up now is a mixture of things I never fully let myself heal from as a kid. And there are times when you can't fix everything yourself. Community and guidance are so important! And I'm needing to seek out both of these a little more these days.
I have been missing writing music a lot lately. I have been missing fine art a lot too. And seeing Ira Glass talk live about the power of storytelling really just shook me into a realization of how my music and fine art are forms of storytelling. Really, everything I love to create the most and that holds the most value is filled with stories. My illustrations hold a form of storytelling in them, and traditionally they accompany a narrative. But with fine art and music, I usually channel a more powerful and intense level of storytelling that hits different things than I usually explore in my illustrations. Fine Art and Music creation are more introspective and contemplative for me. More personal. I haven't written a song in over a year, nor created a piece of fine art. And I think it is getting to me not having that outlet to free me to ruminate deeply about what I want to put into a piece, how that idea was created in me, what was it's source, and how the piece can effect others.
I think I need to write more music and work on some fine art to find some healing within myself. I need to feel like my stories can be taken seriously through those art forms, and that others can find them relate-able. I think great art contains a well thought out narrative, and beyond just presenting an idea, it evokes a new understanding in the viewer and becomes a part of the story of the viewer's life. Great art shows up as a person's favorite song or favorite painting, favorite poem etc. I think everything, even sports, can take on the form of art. Like soccer can become the dance of someone's life, or the movements that happen while playing a sport can suddenly embody who you feel to be. The viewer relates with the art, feels something new yet familiar with it, and takes it on as a part of who they are as well as it being it's own entity. That is poetry, the mixing of an art form's essence with a person's essence. The artist and creator is embedded in that which they create, and their being becomes part of that art form. And when a viewer allows to let all that they are in their present self to co-mingle with that essence of an art piece, ah, it is magic!
I am made to create and convey important ideas. Aren't all people in one way or another? I think that I had to go through the really rough things that I did when I was younger so that I could feel things more intensely and could be sensitive to those around me who have experienced similar trauma. I truly believe that all bad can be turned into good. When something awful happens, a person still always has the right, the choice, and the freedom to choose to create beauty out of pain.
I need to let myself just be peaceful and contemplate how to create and what to create to help me heal. And in turn, the art I create will help others who have experienced similar pains as me. The one thing that makes it SO hard for me though to even write a song about about the past or create a piece of art about specific events and people is that I don't want those people, who have really hurt me in past, to be overly sad in the present for their past mistakes. What's past is past, and I believe that most people feel remorse for the mistakes they have made. In healing my pain, I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process, even those who have hurt me. All people deserve love and understanding. I forgive easily. But it is hard to just forget what has happened and how it has changed me. The good AND the bad has made me who I am.
It is really hard and confusing to know that I need to use these mediums of music and fine art to find healing when they could cause pain for others. It just tortures me to know that my healing could come at the expense of hurting someone else. It stops me from doing what I need to do for myself. I just can't stand hurting people when I know I can prevent it at my own expense.
This is why I think I need to see a counselor. I need an older, wiser person who feels safe to help guide me in the process of choosing to do what is best for me. I need them to help give me a better and new perspective. I don't ask for help quickly or easily, but this just feels really obvious, like lots of things have been leading me to this point of needing to go to counseling for this. I did a little counseling in college and it really helped me a lot. But I was really afraid to tap into the issues I have with my past and certain people. I need to jump over that hurdle. I'll be ok. They will be ok. It's just a lot to be thinking about and to have weighing on my heart.
I don't think I have ever heard anyone in the blog world say that they have been to counseling. Though I know plenty of people who have done counseling or are in counseling at the moment. I feel like there is a terrible stigma placed upon people who are open about the fact that they have been or are in counseling. I doubt there is any person in the world who has, or who will not ever experience trauma. And I truly believe that all people have times in their life when they just need to feel like they have a community of kindness, acceptance, and wisdom surrounding them. Right now, I do feel like I have a lot of beautiful and good things happening for me. But at the same time, I know there is pain I need to address and not hide from.
A strong woman, a strong man, a strong person is someone who is honest about ALL that they are, most importantly, to themselves. We are all complex, we all have had things happen to us that were out of our control. But we all are also the leaders of our own lives, we always have the freedom to do what is best for ourselves amidst or after something bad has happened to us.
To you my friends, if you are going through something really deeply painful in the present, or if their is still residual pain in your life because of things that have happened in the past, whether they stem from your own hurt inflicted upon yourself, the pain you inflicted upon others, or the hurt that others have caused you, YOU deserve to feel freed from that torment. In seeking assistance, guidance, and help, you are not giving up. You are taking control of your own life, making your own decision to be a fuller more present and joyful person, and are taking the leap into the land of vulnerability. You will be safe. There are people to support you. There are millions of kind people in the world praying for your healing. I am one of them. If you are afraid of counseling, or afraid of feeling shameful because you want to or need to go to counseling, screw that! You are wonderful and deserve to do what is best for you! :)
I never wanted to go to counseling when I was younger because to me it felt like I was "giving up" or that I couldn't take care of myself. I hated asking for help. But having gone to counseling for a little while in college, I realized seeking counseling is SO the opposite of giving up. Choosing to seek guidance is SO wise! You make your own choices, your own decisions. This is your life. And you will be just fine :) We all have our dysfunctions. And we all have our areas in which we excel. Always seek to give yourself the chance to change your dysfunctions into areas of new growth and storage of knowledge where you can help those like you.
There we have it.
I am at one of those points where I am seeing ways in which I need to transform and evolve, to grow into a more full and joyful person. And I hope that I can encourage you to seek to do the same for yourself. You are worth it :) Whether that just means changing a few little daily things that you do, or making a big step to resolve major issues, you are free to do what is best for you! Love your neighbor as you love yourself, and make sure that you are loving YOURSELF as much as you love your neighbor too :) I love you friends. <3