I'm sorry I haven't been able to blog very much lately. What a strange and overwhelming season of life I am in! My nanny jobs will be over officially next Wednesday, and hopefully after that I will be able to focus entirely on illustration, etsy, blog designing, and blogging for myself! I have lots of exciting news about my jewelry line that I will tell you about soon, and features and updates to the blog that are begging to happen!
In addition to all the new that is happening in my life, I've been having a hard time lately letting go of a lot of things that need to come to an end. I am a strong willed lady, but I am easily broken hearted when I feel like my actions could effect someone else badly, and I don't like disappointing anyone. Quitting nannying has been hard on my spirits, but freeing at the same time. It has become a hardship, a time consumption and emotionally overwhelming, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel, aka, 5pm on Wednesday of this coming week :) There are other areas of life where I feel like I have been disappointing people I really love, from work to friends and more. It's hard for me to handle. But I believe that I am just in a transitional stage, and things WILL get better if I just keep my eyes on the future and keep my hands moving in the present. I have to make a big decision today that I know will disappoint a lot of people that I am close to here in Seattle. It hurts me knowing it must come to a close, but it hurts even more just sitting in it. Don't worry, I'm not breaking up with my boyfriend. We are doing really wellBut something else must come to an end. When things don't feel good for your spirit, it's time to let them go, even if it hurts. I'll tell you more in a few days.
Something else that is really weighing on me is that my music director at my church, and the wonderful man who recorded my band, is having to leave my church. So many people in the church love him and the music he has created. He is SO talented, and incredible composer and cellist. The reason why I started going to that church is because the music spoke to me so deeply. It speaks to artists, creatives to have a love for innovation, complexity, a reverence for classical music but quirkified with a Belle and Sebastian sort of sound. We have an orchestra and it is just magical. I bawled my eyes out at church 2 sundays ago when I realized he was leaving. I really didn't expect that. I just suddenly realized that my experience with God is THROUGH music, and the music directors music is just such a powerful connector between me and a spiritual presence. I feel like I am losing what keeps me in communication with God. I guess you could say I am going through a sort of existential crisis, and period of experiencing the Dark Night of the Soul. My heart aches over this. And tomorrow is his last day at church. I know that there are probably going to be an incredible amount of people there to support him. All of the artists and musicians in the congregation will fill the church and music will echo up to God mixed with tears and smiles remembering the music God channels through our music director. I hugged him and cried and cried at the last service I went to and he cried too. I don't know how anyone is going to get through the service tomorrow without tears. My heart is really really sad about this, and my spirit doesn't know where it is going to go to find its connection with God. I am a musical being, and it is hard for me to find fulfillment in churches that just have a cheesy rock band feel. Ugh. Pray and hope that I feel a little more gathered and peace filled in the coming week. Things will get better, things will heal, things will find completion, and things will start a new. I'm keeping my eyes toward the light, but it is a rocky path I'm walking on at the moment.
Love you dearly friends, and thank you for taking time to visit me and my blog here in this silly corner of the world.