I haven't gotten personal on my blog in quite sometime. And I am at a point where I am realizing I really need to let you in on some things so that you can help me and the space I am in. Please be thinking good thoughts or praying prayers as you read this.
For my entire life, intense and traumatic events have occurred wherever I go. Not just on a normal person level, I'm talking just ridiculous events are thrown at me constantly without me provoking any of it. I myself am a very peaceful person. I seek light, joy, kindness, compassion and peace in all that I do. I seek powerful love. I seek openness and honesty. And I am cautious and careful in all that I do. My friends and family know that I am responsible, thoughtful, and good hearted. But despite all my efforts, or perhaps because of my constant desire to do good, bad things have always been on my trail, haunting me wherever I go. I am not just being dramatic or trying to get sympathy or say I'm a saint, cuz, baby, I've made many mistakes and have deserved plenty of failures and pains. But, you can ask any number of my friends who have known me for a few years about how intense events follow me constantly.
I was raised Christian, and have been pretty liberal my whole life. I have tried rejecting faith, a belief in God, a belief in Jesus, and belief in a ying and yang of good and evil. I have tried ignoring the bad that is in the world, solely attempting to focus only on good. I have tried to not believe in a higher power, and greater being of goodness that is greater than me and those around me. I have tried to deny that there is evil in the universe. But my life experiences have absolutely fought against my attempts of disbelief. And I remain haunted by God, and haunted by something evil trying to bring Him and all that is good within the people I know, religious or not, down.
As a child and a teenager, I was neglected and abused by someone I love. (For those of you who know me, please don't make assumptions about who this is or how I was abused because you are probably assuming false ideas and forming bad judgments of someone else who it is not your place to judge.) I can't even count the amount of people I have known who have died. I can't remember how many, and I can't remember how many funerals I have attended. I grew up in another country and struggled with my national, racial, ethnic, and every other form of identity you can think of up through college. Each year of my life, something mysterious and traumatic has happened to me from my room flooding and my computer crashing all in one night, losing almost everything I own to finding out a best friend of mine died right in the middle of a storm of chaos in my life.
There has always been trauma, and there always will be trauma. But what I KNOW at the ripe old age of 24, because of all of this trauma, is that I am powerful and strong and can always choose to do what is good and right in the face of pain and evil. I always have a CHOICE to take the hard road, not complain, but be proactive to fight what is bad and turn the situation towards goodness. I can never bring back my friends who have died, but I can have sincere compassion and love for those going through the loss of a loved one. I could choose to be bitter and angry from all that has been taken from me in my life. But what good is that? What good comes from sitting around being bitter?
I am strong. And I will fight to keep goodness in the world, even when I feel attacked. I am not a victim. I am an advocate for good, an advocate for those who feel voiceless or weak or at a low.
At this point in my life, I am beginning to believe that whatever is bad and hateful and evil in the world sees goodness and tries to bring it down. Life is a ying and yang, a balance between up and down, good and bad, never perfectly one or the other, but the two always bouncing off of each other. I am beginning to see how the analogy of battle and war can be applicable to a spiritual realm. I am a peace loving woman, but I also am protective of those who need help, and when I see injustice, I need to take it on, battling with the most powerful sword, LOVE. I feel that need to give those around me a voice when they feel muffled. Perhaps it is because I felt muffled through many experiences in my life. But whatever it is, I know I live to bring goodness and light and love into the lives of those around me. I know I have goodness in me, and I believe that everyone has goodness within them too. And sometimes we need one another to bring that goodness out and keep it thriving.
What I am getting to now is that I need your help. I need you, my community of online friends, to speak up and have a voice against whatever is bad in the world. Some of you are religious, some of you are atheist, some of you are somewhere in between. And each of your voices are valid. Each of you has goodness and strength within you. And I really need you to pray, think good thoughts, hope, or do whatever you do to bring goodness and light to others. I need compassion and love and encouragement.
Here is where I need your help:
Right now, the family I live with is seriously being beaten down by so much evil. The building we live in is being attacked by something evil. I have never wanted to believe in spiritual attack before. I have always denied that concept. But I feel it, sincerely. And everyone in our building feels it too. I live in an apartment with a family and one other lovely lady my age. And in the apartment below us there are a few friends who occupy the space. We are attempting to turn this building into an artist's community centered around spiritual discussion and a desire to bring a creative and loving presence into our community. Every individual in this building is extremely good hearted, strong, creative, compassionate, spiritual, and has a history of a crazy tumultuous past. We come from different background, and we are not all Christian. Those who feel spiritual are all at different points in that journey. But we are unified in loving and understanding one another. Despite all of our difficult histories, we are all still kind and loving people and wish to bring love and kindness to others through our everyday lives, creative expressions in many forms of art, and in our work. We are painters, designers, craftsmen, dancers, artists. As a collective, we have something really beautiful to bring to not only our immediate community, but to the greater city of Seattle, to artists everywhere, to people everywhere. We are a good thing rooted in love.
And we are seriously being torn and ripped and pushed and pulled by something really bad and evil in the air right now. I don't know how to explain it. It's like, something spiritual occupying our space is sneaking into our deepest selves and is attacking us each as individuals at the core of us, both trying to break us down as individuals and tear us apart as a community. It is pulling to the surface our deepest hurts. It is trying to make us irrupt with pain, attempting to make us feel sad and unsafe in our own home. It is trying to stop goodness and community and love from happening. It is real. And it is frightening.
I felt so personally attacked by a friend I love the other day in this space and it just wiped me out and made me feel like complete sh*t. I felt afraid to speak, I felt like I lost my voice. But I fought against my fear and spoke. Because I faced that deep fear, only goodness and healing came out of it and as of yesterday we feel more empowered and loving and stronger than before as friends, as women, and people with good things to say and do. As soon as we felt reconciled, I immediately felt this overwhelming feeling of, Holy Sh*t something is trying to stop this artist's community from happening. Something is trying to wreak havoc in our lives. Somethings sees true and pure goodness here and is trying to bring it down. I have never believed in something like this before, but god, when you are in the midst of it like we are, you can't not feel it.
My friends, My home is under attack. That is the only way I can describe it. Each individual in this building is seriously being beaten down with their own personal pains and on top of it, as a community we are being beaten down. Something sees a greater goodness and wants it to be stopped. It doesn't matter if you are spiritual or not or believe in evil or not, but if you were here, you would recognize something is not right. You would recognize how each person is being tormented. And you would see the need to help.
As of the healing that came between my friend and I yesterday, I suddenly believe in my strength again. I suddenly remember that I have a voice, and a loud and powerful one. My past pains only give me strength to work harder to be a bringer of love and goodness. And I feel ready and prepared as an individual to push out all that is bad and painful from our space. But everyone in here is still being haunted by pain. Their voices are being muffled. My friend, K, is seriously being beaten down SO hard I have never seen turmoil like this. One thing after the other, something bad is trying to break down every person in this home and I NEED you to pray for us. I need you pray for our community. I need you to pray for each person, that they feel ever more confident and alive in themselves because they have already experienced so much trauma and they have it in them to fight against whatever it is that is haunting them and tormenting them now. I need you to believe in goodness in the world. I need you to believe in healing for those around you. I need you to pray for freedom from attack in my home. Pray for justice for the voices that are being muffled. Pray for peace and understanding between us all. Pray for a bond that can only be more deeply solidified by having to go through a deep and painful struggle as a team, as a community, and a family of friends.
I hate having to see the little girls I live with having to be not only a witness to all of everyone's turmoil, but having to take on an emotional and spiritual burden of all of this trauma. I hate whatever is trying to bring us down. But I BELIEVE we can get through this. I BELIEVE goodness overcomes evil. I believe that everyone has the free will to choose to fight for love and peace WITH love and understanding. Please please pray for us. This time needs to pass us soon.
Thank you so much for reading this and for giving me a voice. Thank you so much for your constant encouragement and love and understanding. Thank you for listening to the goodness within you, even if you may feel afraid to sometimes. You have a voice too. And you have power to do good.
I felt knocked down, unable to focus on well on work, on my blog, on everything for a couple of days. But I am back and recognize that whatever is bad is trying to pull me back from pursuing all that I love. Because I see that, I am fighting against it by working hard, throwing love and passion into my relationships and my work. I will power through. I will overcome. I will do good and do well. And I want the same for those I live with and those of you out there too. Pray for power rooted in love and sincerity. Let's kick whatever is going down in my home in the ASS.
I love you friends. <3