Some Things You May Not know About Me...
The other day, Chelsea from Tea Talk emailed me asking if she could interview me for her blog. I was so flattered and of course said yes :) She is such a sweet girl and her blog is as equally sweet and lovely. She asked some great questions about my blogging history, how I got into jewelry making, illustration, and design, and some other little fun life tid bits. Head over to her blog to learn something about me that you may not know yet!
Ps, have you ever had a moment when see a photo of yourself and think, you know, this photo really really feels like me? I have to take a bajillion photos to get one or two flattering photos of myself. And even if I do get one or two photos of myself that are good, they still often feel like a glorification of me rather than effortlessly me. I took this photo of myself yesterday while trying to photograph my outfit for a "What I Wore" post. I got really frustrated really quick because I just wasn't in the mood to be taking photographs of myself, even though I felt like I needed to capture some shots while there was sunshine. For a moment i just perched down to relax, ignoring the thought of "I need to get these photos." I just sat there daydreaming and enjoying the warmth of the sun and it felt nice and peaceful and cozy. I just sort of clicked the remote out of habit rather than thinking of capturing the moment but I did manage to capture myself in a state that felt really sincerely me. Enjoying the comfort of the sun, the soft smooth feel of my new maxi skirt like a blanket wrapping me up, and lost in introspection and daydreams. This photo really feels like me. Not a fancy version of me. Not a one fabulous shot out of a crap load of weird awkward ones. Not a posed shot. Just a really genuinely me moment.
When I saw it while uploading photos to my computer, it immediately reminded me of this photo of when I was probably about 3 or 4 years old, living in England:
Little squinty eyes. I think my eyes are squinting half of the time they are open. The sun has always felt incredibly bright to me. I've been told people with pale colored eyes are more sensitive to the sun. I don't know about that. But I can tell you that in half of my dreams, I am hyper aware of the fact that I am either squinting because of how bright it is or I have my right eye closed because it is too bright. Anyone who knows lots of stuff about dream interpretation want to give me the low down on why I have so many dreams where everything is too bright?
Anyway, perhaps it is the squinting eyes and the tall greenery in the background of both of these images that makes me connect the two. But i think there is something more than those two connectors.
As i said a moment ago, I grew up in England. I lived at the end of a little road in a tiny village of 400 people. My dad was the village vicar (priest). And 3/4 of my house were surrounded by fields. this photo was taken in the fields. I would spend so much time out alone in the fields, digging for ancient pieces of pottery buried in the earth and making up stories in my vivid imagination. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 6 and re-diagnosed at 17 just because I had never known I had ADD until my dad told me at age 17. I remember a story of when I was 6, my teacher slowly had to move me closer and closer and closer to the front row of the classroom because I was always lost in my own world. I have never been a disruptive student. i've always been a very polite and respectful person. But I have also always been lost in my own mind and for the most part, in an enjoyable way. I am really content in my daydreams. I feel most myself when I am alone and reflecting, ruminating.
As I look at the photo of myself at age 3 or 4, I can look at my younger myself and know that even though I am looking directly into the camera, my mind is just barely in the present. I am happily looking at one of my parents taking the photo, but I am 80% in an imaginary world in my mind. The same goes for the first image of me now. I see the focus of my eyes and I know they are not looking at anything in particular but are actually bouncing inward, contemplating my interior world. I see the slight hunch of my shoulders and know that that is how they look when I am really comortable. My lips aren't straining to look happy. They are just resting in their natural place. I promise, the whole being constantly adventuring through my mind, in another internal world is not a self centered-ness. I just have always been deeply involved in a world of the mind much more than the world outside of me.
Perhaps I can blame it on the ADD. But, I am honestly really ok with my spacey, drifting mind. it is what spurs my creativity. When I had to take ADD meds for a brief time in high school to get my grades back on track while I was battling with depression, the ADD meds felt like they wiped my imagination clean and I couldn't access the parts of me that felt the most vivid and real. I stopped ADD meds after a few months because they just worked too well. My mind stopped spacing out, it could focus super well. But I felt like a Zombie. Having been unaware of the fact that I has ADD up until I was 17, and then suddenly altering my mind to that of someone without ADD, the medication just made me feel like I suddenly didn't have myself inside of myself. Too weird.
My mind feels like me. Even if I have ADD, isn't that a good thing that my interior self feels fully me? When I am on journeys through my interior world, I find the most beautiful things, comforting realizations, inspiration for things I can make, reminders of the incredibly capacity I have to love others and to feel their love and pain deeply. I can't retain much information and have absolutely horrible short term memory. But my mind makes up for it with creating elaborate ideas that I can possibly turn into innovative creations in jewelry, design, illustrations, music and ideas of how to speak kindness into other peoples' lives.
People often presume I am unhappy and pensive when I go into daydream mode, my lips naturally lay in a "Resting Bitch Face" stance. But really, on the inside, I am at my most comfortable point, my most natural space. I am in me, and I feel most real when I am wandering the caverns of my interior universe. I look far away, but I feel most alive. These photos are me. I look look like I am somewhere else, but actually I am fully present in what feels real and most vivid to me. My interior world is alive. I am alive. I am a super duper introverted, ADD brained, daydream loving lady with an incredibly passionate and loving soul. My love is alive in me. And I am happy to go visit it anytime it beckons.