7.8.11

A Life Update


Hey sweet ones.
I found out today that my grandmother, the rock of my family, passed away unexpectedly.  She was my hero and I love her and admire her a million times more than anyone I've ever met.  Our family was centered around her.  It's still really confusing for me to say "was" about her than "is."  I think I'm still in shock trying to wrap my mind around it.  My family has had to deal with a lot of heavy things in the past month and this is a lot of heartbreak for everyone on top of everything else.  This past month has held a lot of hardship for me as well on many levels.  And though I have tried to stay very positive through a lot of hard situations over the span of 5 weeks, my grandma's passing is by far the most mind blowing and unexpected thing that has happened.

Her funeral will be next week and I think because I just am so overwhelmed by the idea of her being gone that I am just clueless as to how and where I should mourn.  I've shed many tears already, but I don't know when they will start and stop again.  I guess that is just the unpredictability of mourning.  I don't know if I should stay in Seattle this week and try to mourn her passing by myself until I fly to Northern California to be with my parents and sisters, and then drive down to Southern California to be with extended family for the funeral  ...or if I should fly to Northern California to be with my parents and sisters now, stay there for a week to mourn with my close family and then head down to Southern California with them the next week for the funeral.  or if I should fly down to Southern California next week for the wedding and then head back up to Northern California to spend time with my parents and sisters at home, after the funeral.

I'm just boggled as to my feelings and what I should do.
What I do know is that I am so thankful that I was able to have my one and only grandma in my life for as long as she was here.  I am so grateful that I was blessed with a grandma who set an incredible example of what it means to be a woman, a woman with determination, a woman with strength and softness, a woman who was both self sacrificing and extremely empowered to do what she believed was right.  My grandma was incredible.  She is the person I shape my own life after. 
My grandma technically died on the operating table at age 19.  She was pronounced dead but came back and lived 66 more fulfilling years.  She was married for 65 years.  And lived all 85 years with wisdom and strength.  She believed that she had already experienced death once and that it was nothing to be afraid of.  She died gracefully and quietly at home.  And we just didn't expect it to happen now.  I think her will was so strong that she held on so long, put on a strong front, and then passed when she wouldn't feel overwhelmed by saddness for those in the room with her.  She told my dad recently that she wasn't going to die when he was visiting her because she would feel too bad about leaving him in that moment.  What a tough cookie. 

My Gaga, I love you and I want to be just like you.  I have lost so many people in my life, and each passing feels entirely different and just as significant as the ones before.  But Gaga, you were my heart.  I've lost many friends and acquaintances, people that are like family but not blood.  This is the first time I am saying goodbye to my own blood and flesh and it is surreal.  I am SO fully me because I SO fully admired you.  More than anyone in the world, I am yours, my grandma.  Thank you for loving me and doing all that you did for my family for as long as we were all alive and kicking.  You were the greatest mother and grandmother, even great grandma in recent years!  You were the light of our entire family, and now each of us has the opportunity to be a new light in the world, cut from the wick of your eternal love.  We love you.  I hope you can hear me.  I love you.


Friends, I'm going to need a blog break for the next week or two.  But I've got some incredible friends who are going to be visiting and sharing some beautiful things.  So be sure to stop by and say hi to our kind guests.

36 comments:

{andthisiswhatshesaid} said...

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry! I know how it feels, but know that she is looking down proud on ya :)

naomi: said...

Moorea darling, so sorry to hear about your loss. sending love and hugs to you!
xo

Ashley said...

I am so so sorry to hear this. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, Moorea.

Oh So Lovely said...

so sorry to hear this. stay strong. xo

Ruzu said...

I'm sorry V_V I also lost someone last week, my father! the only difference that we were prepared, he was very sick for many years, between good time and awfull, we live happy and well during his presence. Take my advice, and try to feel in peace and happy because your gramma gone to a better place, she finished her job in the earth, its difficult, but you will feel better, little by little, take your time
hugs :D

Cara Jess Mason said...

Oh Moorea, that's awful. Good for you for writing about it, I imagine that's cathartic, and helps ease the pain just a little.
My thoughts are with you and your family.

Abbey said...

Lots of love to you and your family. You will definitely be in my thoughts.

Feda said...

so sorry for your loss:( may she rest now in peace and may you and your family have strength and patience during such a difficult time

Leila said...

Oh I feel so strongly with you! my grandma past away in april, and then , in june my uncle, the youngest one, shocklingly died. Its been so hard, and there been so much diffuculties with other problems in my family. The only thing to be sure of is change, and that´s what´s keeping my hopes bright for a happy future. Lot´s of love.

Rhianne said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, she sounds like she was an amazing person. You and your family will be in my thoughts

Joy said...

She sounds like an incredible woman! I am sorry for your loss. Much love!

Kelly June said...

I'm so sorry you lost someone so special. Stay strong and remember all the love and support you have around you.

♥Ắçĕ♥ said...

So sorry to hear of your loss, she sounded like a wonderful, inspiring woman. Much love sent to you and your family.

Danielle said...

I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family. Stay strong.

Alli (One Pearl Button) said...

Oh my goodness, Moorea, I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you and wishing you and your family all the best.

Kathleen said...

sorry sorry to hear that . she sounds amazing and wonderful.

i lost my dad and it was a struggle.
hopefully it gets easier over time to remember the funny and inspiring things she is, rather than the loss of her. you were blessed to have her .

Becky from The Tiny Nest said...

Moorea, I'm sure your grandmother was and will continue to be proud of the incredible woman you are. Your love and compassion is inspiring. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

Little Tree Vintage said...

im very sorry moorea, losing a grandmother is the worst feeling in the world, I have been there and I know there are no words to match the pain you are probably feeling.<3

Mandi said...

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your Grandma. It sounds like she was an incredible woman.

Erica said...

I'm sorry to hear that. Many warm thoughts to you and your family.

Krystin said...

Sending all our love to you and your family during this unbelievably difficult time. Moorea, take all the time you need. Xoxo

Rachele said...

I am so sorry you lost your grandma. She sounds amazing and I wish your family the best.

Mrsink said...

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. She sounds like a pillar, an amazing woman and I can't imagine the emotional time it is right now.

Marilyn said...

Oh Moorea, I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

Rachel - Firebird said...

I'm really sorry to hear this Moorea. I am aware of what a huge influence grandparents can have on you and miss mine dreadfully. Your family and friends are in our thoughts x

charlieandlu said...

Oh, I am so sorry! I have only dealt with a little bit of mourning in my life, but I know it is a very individual thing and not something you can predict. It will come and go, hit you when you least expect it. The way you deal with your emotions may change every day.
Just said a prayer for peace and the presence of God as you grieve. Each of your tears are precious to Him. xo

chantilly said...

i am so sorry for your loss. i can't even imagine what you must be going through. sending positive energy your way. xoxo

Megan V said...

I am so sorry, Moorea. I know it hurts so much. Reading this brought me right to tears. Tears because I can feel what you're feeling right now. And I also can remember how I felt when it was fresh and new and painful for me. It hurt so much when I lost my grandma, my role model in all aspects of life, a couple of years ago. I grew up going to her house every wednesday night for family dinner. I used to ride my bike to her house and park it in her garage every morning in Junior High, because she lived across the street from the school. She taught me to be non-judgemental. She taught me to live within my means and to keep what is functional or beautiful, and only those things. She inspired me to dig deeper into my creativity.

I think when we lose them, we become even more like them. Thank goodness.

kate said...

I am so, so sorry for you loss. This is an exceptional post. Take care of yourself and may you find many fond memories in these weeks ahead with your family.

Diana said...

I'm so sorry, Moorea. I think whatever you decide will be best for you in the end. It's confusing now, especially with anguish and tragedy to fot up the head even more I bet. You're a strong woman and I know you'll get through this. Love you.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry for your lost. This is a beautiful post, your family is in my thoughts.

LittleDanielle. said...

I'm sorry, lady. Sending a little love your way <3

Maddie said...

i'm so sorry :( do what you feel you honestly want to do, and it will end up being the right decision.

also, i don't know if you are actually going to a wedding in southern california, or if that was a typo, but if that is in fact a typo, i think it speaks greatly to the amount of love and happiness that can be brought out in these types of situations. i've noticed in my young 22 years that the fact of the matter is, the only time my entire family is together is for a wedding, or a funeral. while one is more desirable than the other, they both bring families together for a sole reason. Being around people all experiencing the same emotions, especially family, can be rewarding, tiring, amazing and every other emotion.

I hope you are able to celebrate your grandmas life and mourn in whatever ways you feel.

Maddie
maddie_hawley@hotmail.com

BuenoBueno said...

i am so sorry. This is my worst nightmare. My grandma is one of my favorite people. We are kindred spirits. I am her! SO SO SOrry. I can't imagine what you are going through and I wish I had some words of comfort. I will be praying for you and your family.
xo
B

Erin Lindsey said...

I am sending my sympathy along with soothing, comforting thoughts your way.

Christopher Seal said...

Your grandmother was an early feminist, since she was raised to believe that any Houston was better than any man. When men spoke to her dismissively at work she was outraged since she in her view was being generous in dealing with someone so obviously stupid.