Hey sweet ones.
I found out today that my grandmother, the rock of my family, passed away unexpectedly. She was my hero and I love her and admire her a million times more than anyone I've ever met. Our family was centered around her. It's still really confusing for me to say "was" about her than "is." I think I'm still in shock trying to wrap my mind around it. My family has had to deal with a lot of heavy things in the past month and this is a lot of heartbreak for everyone on top of everything else. This past month has held a lot of hardship for me as well on many levels. And though I have tried to stay very positive through a lot of hard situations over the span of 5 weeks, my grandma's passing is by far the most mind blowing and unexpected thing that has happened.
Her funeral will be next week and I think because I just am so overwhelmed by the idea of her being gone that I am just clueless as to how and where I should mourn. I've shed many tears already, but I don't know when they will start and stop again. I guess that is just the unpredictability of mourning. I don't know if I should stay in Seattle this week and try to mourn her passing by myself until I fly to Northern California to be with my parents and sisters, and then drive down to Southern California to be with extended family for the funeral ...or if I should fly to Northern California to be with my parents and sisters now, stay there for a week to mourn with my close family and then head down to Southern California with them the next week for the funeral. or if I should fly down to Southern California next week for the wedding and then head back up to Northern California to spend time with my parents and sisters at home, after the funeral.
I'm just boggled as to my feelings and what I should do.
What I do know is that I am so thankful that I was able to have my one and only grandma in my life for as long as she was here. I am so grateful that I was blessed with a grandma who set an incredible example of what it means to be a woman, a woman with determination, a woman with strength and softness, a woman who was both self sacrificing and extremely empowered to do what she believed was right. My grandma was incredible. She is the person I shape my own life after.
My grandma technically died on the operating table at age 19. She was pronounced dead but came back and lived 66 more fulfilling years. She was married for 65 years. And lived all 85 years with wisdom and strength. She believed that she had already experienced death once and that it was nothing to be afraid of. She died gracefully and quietly at home. And we just didn't expect it to happen now. I think her will was so strong that she held on so long, put on a strong front, and then passed when she wouldn't feel overwhelmed by saddness for those in the room with her. She told my dad recently that she wasn't going to die when he was visiting her because she would feel too bad about leaving him in that moment. What a tough cookie.
My Gaga, I love you and I want to be just like you. I have lost so many people in my life, and each passing feels entirely different and just as significant as the ones before. But Gaga, you were my heart. I've lost many friends and acquaintances, people that are like family but not blood. This is the first time I am saying goodbye to my own blood and flesh and it is surreal. I am SO fully me because I SO fully admired you. More than anyone in the world, I am yours, my grandma. Thank you for loving me and doing all that you did for my family for as long as we were all alive and kicking. You were the greatest mother and grandmother, even great grandma in recent years! You were the light of our entire family, and now each of us has the opportunity to be a new light in the world, cut from the wick of your eternal love. We love you. I hope you can hear me. I love you.
Friends, I'm going to need a blog break for the next week or two. But I've got some incredible friends who are going to be visiting and sharing some beautiful things. So be sure to stop by and say hi to our kind guests.