11.2.13

What I Wore // Layers Upon Layers

01 // Leather Jacket - Nordstrom  02 // Sweater - Urban Outfitters  03 // Peach Dress - Nordstrom  04 // Fleece Lined Leggings - c/o Collide Boutique  05 // Sparkle Booties - c/o Wanted Shoes  06 // Chevron Necklace - My shop

So remember how last week I said I wasn't going to go shopping this month?  Ha!  Well, I totally splurged on a bunch of beautiful clothes last Friday.  Will you let me try justifying said splurge?  On a superficial level, I think most women can relate to how hard it is to find clothes you not only LOVE but also FIT you well.  And I happened to have the stars align and a bunch of amazing things actually fit me that I didn't just like but loved.  But more importantly, here is the greater story:  Well, since my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last week, I've been feeling at odds with my body.  Since my mom and my dad's mom have had the same type of breast cancer, I'm kind of freaking out that I am next in line and I am just waiting for my boobs to suddenly go, "Oh hey, we are joining in the breast cancer club too!  chop us off!"  I've had a few stress filled dreams this past week, my anxiety is feeling a bit higher than normal, basically my brain is just rotating on over drive.  I need to figure out how to both recognize my chances of getting breast cancer in the future are high while also just learning to be in the moment.  I'm a planner, a dreamer of the future, a worrier, I'm very cautious, I'm a thought filled person, a person who reflects and ruminates.  But I am not so great at living in the moment.

All week I have been wearing my most comforting cozy clothes, constantly day dreaming about a potential future of having to deal with breast cancer myself.  I am scared.  I am SO thankful my mom's cancer was caught early and that she is already planning to head into surgery later today (Monday, one week after her diagnosis), but we don't know yet if she will do a lumpectomy or a mastectomy or what.  I would be SO grateful if she could somehow skip chemotherapy or radiation therapy.  But still, removing a lump from a boob or the entire boob itself is intense.  My mom and I have seriously huge boobs.  Like, seriously, jugs.  (You might not be able to tell in my photos because I have become the master or disguise, aka draped tops are the best.)  My body is pretty much a duplicate of my mom's body.  And I know my mom is as cool as a cucumber, but I'm feeling crazy trying to imagine what it's going to be like seeing her for the first time if she does get a mastectomy or a double mastectomy because I see my own body in her's.

Obviously, my mind has been swirling all week and it has been honestly quite hard to focus on anything but trying to grasp how breast cancer will effect my mom and how it could eventually effect me.  But, simultaneously, as much as I am a worrier, I am also a problem solver.  I expect and initiate quick responses to problems and I seek to solve puzzles with careful thought and in an timely manner.  Being that I've already had practice with dramatic and hard situations throughout my life, I have learned that for me, the best way to find at least a little peace in the moment is to allow myself to let my mind swirl with thoughts while also seeking remedies for elements of my hardships.  I can't magically heal my mom.  I can't predict my future.  But I can at least try to view my body as something I am somewhat in control of rather than being totally afraid of what it will unleash upon me at any given time.  I can't hide in layers upon layers of scarves and sweaters and parkas everyday until I am less scared.  I have to appreciate my body in the moment.  I need to celebrate what I am, who I am, what I have for now and what will probably change a million times over as I age.

I am still afraid.  I am still scared of certain elements of getting older, of illness and decay, cancer and irreversible pains of the body.  But I WANT to love my body right now & put good energy into my thoughts, my soul, and my physical body.  I want to show my body love.  I need to celebrate it and cherish what I do have.  Beauty is just the surface & health is essential.  But even beyond those things, I feel like I am reaching for something deeper in connecting with my body, these tactile things, this flesh that disappears into dust.  I'm trying to understand my spirit and mind's connection to my body in a new light.  And I feel like my shopping spree was a step in trying to physically acknowledge that need I have to celebrate and appreciate my body right now.  I'm not talking about needing to show off my body.  I just need to see myself and know that I invest in me.  And even though I cannot control what my body gives back to me, be it health or cancer, I need to know that whatever happens with my body is what is was meant to do along it's journey.  I am seeking love and acceptance with the flesh, beyond beauty, beyond health.  And though shopping for clothes is just material gain, in my mind it is more of a physical acknowledgement of the journey I am on, taking a step towards understanding self love and TRUST in my body on a much deeper level.  Trusting my body, that is what I need to learn to do.

01 // Similar Sweater  02 // Similar Dress  03 // Similar Socks  04 // Chevron Necklace  05 // Sparkle Boots  06 // Similar Leggings  07 // Leather Jacket

21 comments:

Shannon Henszel said...

you're wonderful. Try not to stress out about it too much (i know, easier said than done) and savor the moments you do have as a young, healthy woman. You'll make yourself older by worrying about the future.

I'm so sorry about the Cancer news. Many prayers to your family for a full and amazing recovery!!!

Jojo said...

We could be twins - bodyshape wise. Love your choices, and your decision to treat yourself right now. Best wishes to your mother in surgery today.

jodi inkenbrandt said...

You are beautiful! And I totally get what you're saying. (Both about the rarity of finding clothes that fit and that you love - because, SO rare - and how you feel about cancer) My mom had cancer when I was in high school (she's a survivor!) and I've dealt with those feelings of fear and worry, trying to preemptively prepare for if it happens to me. You're a strong person and I love reading your honest thoughts. They always encourage me.

dianne said...

I love layers, this is so good!

kelsey bang said...

super cute! layering is the best!

Chloe Moon said...

I just love your outfit and completely understanding justifying the means when the clothes actually fit.

Again, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. My best friend's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago and she too was very scared about a possible day she would get it as well. My friend makes sure she goes every year for a mamogram and every 6 months or sooner does a self breast exam. I personally thought I had breast cancer because I had three large lumps in my right breast. Out of fear I didn't tell anyone for months. The lumps turned out to be fibroids which are non-cancerous but I make sure I go every year for my check-ups and do self-examinations just in case.

I wish you and your Mom all the strength and courage in the world.

michelle | CreatureType.com said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that stress and worry over your mom and yourself. Breast cancer runs in my family a bit, too. You're a positive person, so just try your best to enjoy your beautiful life a day at a time! I try to tell myself that during especially stressful spells. <3

I loooove your drape-y layers, btw! That pink top is perfection!

Kara said...

Sending good thoughts to your mom and your family. She sounds like a rad lady!

Moorea Seal said...

Its true, worrying wont help my body at all! Thanks for your sweet words <3
xo Moorea

Moorea Seal said...

Thank you Jojo! She ended up pushing surgery back to later this week and thankfully it will be a lumpectomy rather than mastectomy <3
xo Moorea

Moorea Seal said...

Thank you Jodi. I definitely think I'm going to visit Therapy again to help myself not freak out about prepping my future so intensely.
xo Moorea

Moorea Seal said...

Thanks Dianne!

Moorea Seal said...

I LOVE layers :)
xo Moorea

Moorea Seal said...

Im SO glad your lumps were not cancerous. But girl, if they come up again head to that doctor straight away! And good job on doing the check ups! I am going to see if breast cancer is a hereditary trait in my family I think just to be safe.
xo Moorea

brittany - moccasin run said...

love this outfit, and every now and then it's ok to splurge! my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer around 6 years ago and she after surgery, chemo and other treatments she has been cancer free ever since. it was a really hard time to go thru tho for the whole family, and i learned she has a gene that can be passed on to her children that is likely to cause cancer. i try not to think about it, and just live life! best of luck to your mother and your family, hang in there :)

brittany
come say hello MOCCASIN RUN
stop by the shop MOCCASIN RUN

Moorea Seal said...

Thank you for your encouragement Michelle! I'm such a worrier, I've gotta work on that!
xo Moorea

Moorea Seal said...

She is a total goofball, and its so helpful in situations like this!
xo Moorea

Moorea Seal said...

I'm deciding right now if i want to get tested for genetic disorders and hereditary things like cancers that run in the family. I'm both nervous about knowing but also feel comfortable about the idea of knowing what I'm likely to get. Has it helped you to know?
xo Moorea

gather and hunt said...

You are my style hero! Seriously lady- you always look amazing!

I'm sorry to hear about your mama and that you're dealing with all this and the emotions that come with it. I'm the praying kind, so I'll be doing that- for both of you. I had a cancer scare a few months before my wedding and I turned into a giant stress ball. It ended up being nothing but I remember that feeling and it was lame. I do think your transparency and ability to post this, and get it all out there is a quality that is so helpful in situations like this- instead of letting it all build up inside. I hope the stress and worry lessens and that joy and good news for your mom is on the way. XO

Andrea X said...

"To live every day as if it had been stolen from death, that is how I would like to live. To feel the joy of life, as Eve felt the joy of life. To separate oneself from the burden, the angst, the anguish that we all encounter every day. To say I am alive, I am wonderful, I am. I am. That is something to aspire to." - Garth Stein

Thank you for a wonderful and inspiring post. Sending you and your mom good vibes.♥

Lisa said...

Great look!
xx