I definitely was inspired while at TxSC to get back on top of doing outfit posts on my blog. I'll be honest, these past few months I haven't been taking enough time to invest in myself. I'm pretty low maintenance and I think these past few months, as I have been pouring my heart into getting our new site up and running, my low maintenance-ness dropped to a no maintenance level. Let's get real, I used to shower everyday, but these last few months I was showering every 3-4 days simply to save time. I don't think that to feel good or beautiful that you HAVE to wear make up or dress up everyday. I personally don't care about dressing up for people around me, I don't really care about impressing people with how I look, I don't like taking time to do my hair, and I don't feel like I need to wear make up all the time. BUT, I know myself well enough that the tactile motions that I go through everyday, the processes of investing in myself through actions, really are healthy for me. I'm a pretty chill girl at heart but my laziness for self maintenance isn't a signifier of how casual or relaxed I am. My bad habit of taking care of myself last after everything else feels taken care of is not good!
I have extremely high standards for myself with work and relationships, but after being very physically self critical as a teen and college student, I let that aspect of me go completely after about age 22. To find a happy medium, I think when it comes to taking care of myself, I need to let myself feel inspired to live a healthy life and to take actions everyday that remind me that I am investing in me. For me right now, I eat really well and know that sleep is essential in my happiness and self confidence. But I think my next step in health is being ok with shooting for greatness in how I take care of myself and how I present myself to the world like how I feel inspired in my work and my relationships.
I had a really hard beginning of the year this year with my grandfather passing away, my mom getting breast cancer, and some other really hard personal things. So I just threw myself into work and my personal relationships. My self investment definitely dropped. But now that our new store is launched, live, and going really well, and after getting some great inspiration at TxSC, I'm ready to get back on top of investing in me. Physical investment in myself has always been the main thing I've slacked on in life. It's one of the big reasons I started my Paint Your Love series. When I started that series a few years ago, I also needed to learn emotional self investment on top of the need to physically invest in myself. And through wonderful things like therapy, healing traumas from the past, getting closer with friends and family, and learning to take time each week to be alone, taking time to invest in me with actions, I learned and healed immensely.
I think because I grew up in a town where girls didn't really dress up or wear much make-up, and in college I'd get a lot of weird comments even from people I thought were friends on how I dressed up too much or dressed too outside of the box, I think somewhere inside I still feel guilty about physically investing in myself. I never ever want to feel like a show off with how I dress, how my body looks, or how I do my make-up & hair. Let's get vulnerable, when I was 16 I suddenly went from a size 28B bra to a 28DD, in one summer. I was SO ashamed that summer and was ashamed and uncomfortable with my boobs as they grew and grew all the way up till I was 25. When I was 20 at a size 28DDD, I begged and cried to my doctor that I just wanted a breast reduction. I had so much back pain and shoulder pain from the weight on my tiny size 2 frame at the time. But he told me that my boobs would keep growing and I had to wait until I was older than 25. I was tired of hearing in high school and college that people called me "the artsy girl with big boobs" or "the weird girl with big boobs." I just wanted to be known for my personality, my hard work, and my talents, not my physical make up. Honestly, that feeling still haunts me and I still worry that people see my boobs before they fully see me.
I'll just go ahead and profess to the internet, I currently wear a 32G/H. I do all that I can to mask the size of my boobs. I'm embarrassed by their size, yet I want to take pride in who I am and all that I am, the internal and the external. I feel like to combat being prideful about the size of my boobs that I need to be ashamed of them. Because their size is so far out of the norm for someone who wears a size 6/7 in clothes, I fear looking like a gaudy porn star in my everyday life. My good friends have always encouraged me to take pride in how my body simply is. And I'm so grateful for their encouragement and all the times that have sat by me when I cried in shame over my boobs. I have had plenty of really good hearted people try to make me feel better about my boobs through out the years but comments like "You have the dream woman body! Show it off!" or "You have like a natural porn star body!" or "Any guy would die for you boobs!" But I just feel really objectified by those sorts of comments. The process of loving and accepting my body is not triggered by other people thinking it looks like some fake ideal of a body, that my body is a real representation of a dirty and shameful industry of entertainment.
I'm honestly a bit scared to put photos of me on my blog that show me with my shoulders back, wearing clothing that does reveal my curves. I'm scared of negative or biting comments that women can say to each other when we see something different about someone else. I'm scared of appearing like a show off OR appearing like I'm trying to get a pity party for something that I know a lot of people wish they had. I don't want to be known as "Moorea with big boobs." I just want to be Moorea. But I can't live out of fear. If there is one thing I know, it's that living your life in opposition to your fears is so boring and it creates an even more difficult and upsetting way of being. The times I have chosen to stop worrying & just do, just be who I want to be, own who I am, and not worry about what may or may not happen as a result of my new ways are the times I have felt most alive and proud of myself. That's a life I want to live, a life where I power through fear of the unknown and take action. I can do it through my work, and I can do it in my relationships. Now it's time to fully pursue that mission in how I view my body and how I invest in my body.
This is my post proclaiming my appreciation for all that I am, even the parts that I fear. I don't want to live a life where I am scared of how people will react towards me. I want to trust that even with whatever comments I may get about my body, good, uncomfortable, or just negative, that my trust in my own kind of beauty and self love will not waiver. Ladies, and even you few gents, do you feel me? We all have our own insecurities, even if we have to dig deep to find them. I'm going to use my outfit posts as reasons to be confident in my body every time I post. I want to use my outfit posts as reasons for me to hop in the shower everyday, put on make up every few days, actually do my hair every so often, and to wear all the clothes in my closet that I love and that make me feel proud of my body.
Are you inspired to do the same? Let's own who we are and how our bodies are shaped right at this moment in time. I don't have my ideal body and I never will be a size 2/4 with a 32 D bra size. There is no chance that my boobs will suddenly shrink 5 sizes down. And I decided a few years ago that I don't want to go through surgery to get a breast reduction. So here we are body, it's time we become not just good buddies but best friends. I want to fully accept my body as if it were the person I am in love with. Shouldn't we all love ourselves as much as we love others, and yes even love our bodies as much as we love others? Let's face our fears and just do something about our varying views of our bodies. For me, I'm choosing to make outfit posts reasons to be proud of my shape, owning it, and loving it. It's scary for me to say and I'm working to believe these words, but I have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to my body. I eat well, I sleep well, I deserve treats sometimes, and I deserve to take time to exercise. I believe in balance. And if the result of a balanced life is this body, then ok. This is me. And I am well.
T-Shirt // Target
Skirt // Target
Clutch // by Marketa available in the Moorea Seal Store
Bracelets // c/o of Ruche
Shoes // Sven clogs
2 Necklaces // Moorea Seal Jewelry
Claw Necklace // c/o Roots & Feathers